Jay-Z Songs He Doesn’t Want His Daughter To Hear

I’ve heard it said nothing transforms a man like having a baby girl. So news that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are having a daughter could mean we will never see or hear from the old Shawn Carter again. Old Jay-Z: “hard dick and bubble gum”. New Jay-Z: poopy diapers and baby food.

It’s the beginning of a new era in hip hop. The Old Man Rap era. And a lot of emcees are gonna have some ‘splainin’ to do. Hov, to his jeweler’s credit, has always talked more Maybachs and ice, than about his sidepiece and wife. So he won’t have as much umm, err, umm stammering to contend with as, say, Kanye. But here’s five songs we still expect to be removed from Lil Hovita’s iPod.

As a joke I think they should play “Big Pimpin’” in the birthing room. It’s the only way to “re-claim” the song. Otherwise, Jay told the Wall Street Journal even he cringes when he hears it, “Some [lyrics] become really profound when you see them in writing. Not “Big Pimpin.” That’s the exception. It was like, I can’t believe I said that. And kept saying it. What kind of animal would say this sort of thing? Reading it is really harsh.”
Cover the Ears Quotable:
In the cut where I keep ’em
’til I need a nut, ’til I need to beat the guts
Then it’s beep beep, and I’m picking them up
Let em play with the dick in the truck

This one is gonna hurt to lose, it being his first hit record and all. The chorus is so catchy. And easily converted to baby talk, “Ain’t no daddy like the one I got. No one can change me better”. Alas, at some point she’ll get older and the questions will come up. Why is it all they get is 50-cent franks and papaya’s, daddy? And who are the black chicks, besides mommy, between the sheets like Essence? What is Essence? That’s even before getting to the matter of Foxy Brown, and the open wound of Jaz-O. It’s gonna have to go, or at least be kept password protected in the cloud.
Cover the Ears Quotable:
I been sinnin’ since you was playing with Barbie and Ken ‘n
You can’t change a player’s game in the ninth inning.


Y’know, this song might be brilliant enough to save. It toes the line of being cheeky-clever without being overly offensive. The video is awesome, but I think that’s what’s gonna get it nixed. Not for the girls, but because of the oversized San Diego Padres throwback jersey. This one is not a good look for Hov as a style icon. Bey’s gonna be all, “look at how you was dressing before you met me. Pffft!”
Cover the Ears Quotable:
I got this young chick, she so immature
She like, “Why you don’t buy me Reeboks no more?”
Like to show out in public, throw tantrums on the floor
Gotta toss a couple dollars, just to shut up her holla

In one room, “Who run the world (Girls!)”. In the next one: “I’m trying girls out. Just trying giiiiiirrrrllllls ouuuut”. This is another lyrical gem, but when Jay doubled-down he brought a little more playa-playa edge to it. Although I haven’t heard about 4’s cooking the Houston-born mommy might well fit Jay’s “looking for a southern girl who cooks like Patti LaBelle, big ghetto booty, scarf over the doobie” demands. I guess he could petition her for it to stick around.
Cover the Ears Quotable:
‘ma, our time together is our time together,
And uh our time apart is our time apart
So love Jay with your mind girl and not your heart

Just when you think a positive song with no misogyny will set you free, this one’s a problem because it’s so clear Jay was thinking he’d have a nice black Jewish boy to take on tour and flash the Roc sign with. There’s an angle for the part where he advises his young Corleone about looking a man dead in his eyes, so he knows you’re speaking the truth. That can be cute the same way Beyonce dresses up in “Upgrade U” is cute. But by song’s end all you can hope is that Jay-Z was “in love on the night when he conceived him”. I mean her.  
Cover the Ears Quotable:
Sins of a father make yo’ life ten times harder
I just wanna take ya to a barber

Don’t take her to a barber, Jay. Just don’t. Even if she really really wants to go. At least let Bey do it. Please. 

Filed Under: Beyonce, Hip Hop, Hip Hop-Ology, Jay Z, Rap

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