How to Keep the Drake and Common Beef Alive

Great news! Common vs. Drake, the world’s most hilariously inept feud, may not be done quite yet. According to some people that maybe know some people that were there (or at least nearby), Common and Drake had a physical altercation backstage at the Grammys. I hate to quote MediaTakeOut as a reliable source on anything but dick pics, but for pure entertainment value alone: “The two [rappers] ran into each other backstage. Common was with one of his boy, and Drake was with a SQUAD OF GOONS. Drake said something and Common said something back … there was a commotion, and I saw Drake PUNCH COMMON IN THE CHEST.”

Perhaps more reliable, according to Billboard: “Publicist Robert Santini of PKM*BNC tweeted about the alleged event on Sunday night, writing, “@drake and @common had an altercation backstage & @liltunechi [Lil Wayne] had to intervene. This is getting out of hand.” OK then!

Common recently declared an official end to the hostilities that he himself started after — well, take your pick: (a) He doesn’t like Drake’s singing, (b) he doesn’t like Drake’s romancing of his ex, tennis champion Serena Williams, (c) he was trying to get someone oh please god anyone to pay attention to his new rap album, (d) he never really got that into Degrassi: The Next Generation. For his part, even with the call for armistice, Drizzy still seems a bit peeved. He told NahRight, “more than anything it was just disappointing cause what kid isn’t a fan of what Common has done for our genre. A guy who made such an incredible career for himself based off expressing genuine feelings about life and love is now targeting me for sharing my story.” Pretty hectic beef so far, right? Wouldn’t it be sad to see it end now? Yes, it would. So let’s keep it going. Three humble tips for lengthening the life of Common vs. Drake:

1. Dunk-Off

Guess who’s playing the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game in Orlando this year? Common! Guess who loves basketball players! Drake (As he’s reminded Kobe’s wife Vanessa, who is set to make a pretty penny in divorce settlements, “Bitch, you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym”). So seeing as the two will probably be in the same room at the same time once again, how about a little late-breaking friendly competition? Yep: Celebrity Slam Dunk Contest. Fill it with a few other dummy contestants — say, Michael Rapaport, Ginuwine, and the lady from Vampire Diaries — and just make sure our dudes get into the finals. Drake can use all of the skills gained from watching Vince Carter in his Raptors prime during a Toronto childhood. Common can use all of the skills gained from portraying New Jersey Nets superstar Scott McKnight. And Justin Bieber can officiate.

2. Act-Off

If the guys aren’t interested in dunking, how about having them compete in another non-hip-hop arena? That’s right: the theater. Whoever Common and Drake’s acting agents are need to start sending them off to the same auditions. While neither seem to be particularly active in this world right now, they will eventually, one assumes, go back to acting — and at that point, their quibbling over roles could lead to all kinds of press attention, a boon to both of their careers. And it will make for some gloriously awkward waiting rooms.

3. Keep Lil Wayne Out of It

So let me get this straight, Robert Santini: Drake goes to punch Common in the chest — which, as everyone knows, is the most logical place to punch someone — and Lil Wayne has to pop out and act the voice of reason? Earlier that night, during a pre-Grammys freestyle, Wayne dropped this line, directed at Common’s pals Jay-Z and Kanye: “I met a bad red bone, I took the bitch home / I asked her what she want to watch, she said, ‘Surely not The Throne.’” And it looked like we were well on our way to a full-fledged YMCBM vs. G.O.O.D. Music extended West Side Story-style street brawl. Then Weezy has to get all rational and calm and respectful about the whole thing? Ridiculous.

Filed Under: Beef Maintenance Dept., Beefs, Common, Drake

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Amos Barshad has written for New York magazine, Spin, GQ, XXL, and the Arkansas Times. He is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ AmosBarshad