Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League: It’s ‘Bachelorette’ Bro Bio Breakdown Time!

It’s a big week here at GRTFL headquarters: With The Bachelorette set to premiere on May 19, the reality-TV gods have blessed us with A NEW GROUP OF BACHELORETTE BROS! The handsome, cross-fitted, nonthreatening, middle-of-the-road, boring bros are back, and their Bachelorette is one of the most tempting foreverlove targets in the show’s history: Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses. As is always the case when the bios are bestowed, it’s time for my annual, way too serious, completely uninformed, overly judgmental, kind of mean-spirited BACHELORETTE BRO BIO BREAKDOWN!

Fear not, The Challenge and Survivor will get theirs next week.

Andrew

bios-andrew-hp

Stated occupation: “Social Media Marketer”

Occupation translation: “Dude who tweets for a living”

Looks like he: Might be concussed.

Best bio bit: When asked to list his favorite foods, Andrew put “Macaroni & cheese.” And “shrimp.” And “crabs.” And “seafood in general.” Does he even understand the fucking question? Andrew, you can’t just list entire food groups. But wait, he’s not done! He also listed “chicken,” and then “turkey,” and then REALLY finished strong with “vegetables.” So in summary, Andrew’s favorite foods include all seafood, all poultry, and all vegetables. I think his favorite food is food.

On the show, he will be the one who: Uses the word “hashtag.” Out loud. Like it’s a real word.

Bradley

bio-bradley

Stated occupation: “Opera Singer”

Occupation translation: I can’t think of anything funnier than “opera singer.”

Looks like he: Doesn’t have a friend to tell him his skin is the same color as his shirt.

Best bio bit: One of his bucket-list items is: “To make a difference in people’s lives through my voice. Using my voice and traveling around the world helping others. Giving back to the world, leave my mark.” Bradley, seriously, you’re singing opera. No one can understand what the hell you’re saying. That probably makes it harder to change their lives.

On the show, he will be the one who: Sings in front of the house right out of the limo instead of playing it cool like Sharleen did with Juan Pablo and saving it for a date.

Brett

bio-brett

Stated Occupation: “Hairstylist”

Occupation translation: “I’m the straight guy who knows how to use tinfoil and dye your hair.”

Looks like he: Has wispy locks of hair popping out in the back. Does he have a mullet? Is this a John Clayton ponytail situation? Is Brett one of those “I’m a hairstylist and I’ll prove it with my crazy hairstyle” hairstylist guys? One of those guesses is right, and I can’t wait to find out which.

Best bio bit: The most outrageous thing he’s ever done is go cliff jumping in Jamaica. Everyone who goes to Jamaica does this. Your mom would do this if she went to Jamaica. Also, note how he said “cliff jumping” and not “cliff diving.”

On the show, he will be the one who: Does the other guys’ hair before their dates.

Brian

bio-brian

Stated occupation: “Basketball Coach”

Occupation translation: “The peak of my life was being a 17-year-old high school basketball star, and I’m trying to suspend myself in that mind-set for eternity. Want to get married?”

Looks like he: Really hopes Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses was a cheerleader in high school so that he can truly fulfill that fantasy.

Best bio bit: His most embarrassing moment was air-balling a shot in the district championship basketball game. I swear I hadn’t read that when I wrote the occupation translation. Also, he says he’s 6-foot; I’m calling it now, this dude is 5-foot-10. You can tell from his head.

On the show, he will be the one who: Plays the “athletic” card too hard.

Carl

bio-carl

Stated occupation: “Firefighter”

Occupation translation: Last season I named “opera singer” the perfect occupation for the woman you’re dating. Well, I think “firefighter” is the perfect occupation for the man you’re dating.

Looks like he: Moved to Hollywood (Florida, but still) and thought “I’ll just figure it out when I get there … model, actor, singer, Bachelor, I WILL be famous.”

Best bio bit: “Favorite flower: Lotus.” HOW LONG IS THIS QUESTIONNAIRE? HOW IS “FAVORITE FLOWER” EVEN ON THERE?

On the show, he will be the one who: Gets to the final four. It’s hard to really know, since I’ve never heard him speak and am still only on the “C” names, but this dude is handsome and in shape, looks literate, and is a fucking firefighter. I see Bachelor potential in Carl. Carl is a tough name, though. Not a lot of great Carls in history.

Chris

bio-chris

Stated occupation: “Farmer”

Occupation translation: “I wake up at 4 a.m. every day and work my ass off in the dirt to feed the people while you look at GIFs. I’m this nation’s vertebrae. You’re welcome.”

Looks like he: Doesn’t normally wear his hair like this, but had Brett style it for this shoot.

Best bio bit: His worst date fear is “accidental diarrhea.” As opposed to intentional?

On the show, he will be the one who: Is perfect and all, but too dumb for Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses.

Cody

bio-cody

Stated occupation: “Personal Trainer”

Occupation translation: True story: When I saw his picture and then looked for his occupation, I said to myself, “Whatever he says, I won’t believe.” And then I saw “personal trainer” and said to myself, “Touché, Cody. Tou-fucking-ché.”

Looks like he: Went to the barbershop, but instead of bringing a magazine picture of Brad Pitt or whatever, he brought a picture of a breaking wave and said, “I am the son of Poseidon, please make my head look like the majestic ocean.”

Best bio bit: If he could be someone else for a day, he would be the lead singer in a band so he could “control an entire crowd with the power of [his] voice!” Dude, you don’t have to be a lead singer to do that; you could be a motivational speaker, you could be a comedian, or you could just yell, “I farted!”

On the show, he will be the one who: Is WAY too dumb for Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses.

Craig

bio-craig

Stated occupation: “Tax Accountant”

Occupation translation: “I’m smart enough to have realized early on that I have no particular talent and also smart enough to know that if I became a CPA, I would always have work.”

Looks like he: Uses too much hair product.

Best bio bit: His bio is great. He puked on a date, dressed as a stripper for his uncle’s birthday party, and lists “great complexion” as the first thing he looks for in an ideal mate.

On the show, he will be the one who: Tries too hard to be funny. It’s OK, Craig. I do it all the time.

Dylan

bio-dylan

Stated occupation: “Accountant”

Occupation translation: “I am a good match for a lawyer.”

Looks like he: Knows how to play polo on horses, tans, and owns a “beer pong glove.”

Best bio bit: Connect Four is his favorite board game. Shout-out to Dylan! Connect Four doesn’t take four hours, doesn’t have complicated rules, and doesn’t let the other people in the room see how dumb you are. Great call, Dylan.

On the show, he will be the one who: Isn’t aggressive enough and goes home way before he should have.

Emil

bio-emil

Stated occupation: “Helicopter Pilot”

Occupation translation: “I’m not here to find love; I’m here to meet the producers and become the official Bachelor Chopper Guy. The way this franchise uses choppers, that would be a gold mine.”

Looks like he: Does that thing where when you shake his hand, he looks you right in the eye and squeezes real hard and you weren’t ready for it because you didn’t realize it wasn’t just a handshake, but also a test of masculinity that you’ve just failed.

Best bio bit: The most romantic present he ever gave anyone was a card with a sentence in it commemorating what he and his lady did every day for the first three months they were dating. Look, giving a three-month anniversary card is already creepy; filling it with a journal of exactly how you two spent those three months is probably illegal.

On the show, he will be the one who: Stays around only until production decides it needs a backup helicopter pilot.

Eric

This is where I’d normally write about Eric, but he died in a paragliding accident in April. Here’s the story of what happened. Now that we’re all sad, let’s continue.

Jason

bio-jason

Stated occupation: “Urgent Care Physician”

Occupation translation: “When things get so fucked up in your life that you have no idea what to do or where to go or whom to ask for help … you come to me.”

Looks like he: Was created by mixing Crispin Glover’s face and Jennifer Aniston’s hair.

Best bio bit: His greatest achievement to date is becoming an M.D. because “you know you’ve done something worthwhile if you get some letters after your name.” The letters I want to put after his name are A.S.S.H.O.L.E.

On the show, he will be the one who: Won’t fit in with the other guys because he isn’t bro-y enough; keeps the interest of Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses because he’s intellectual; but doesn’t keep it for the long haul because he isn’t McDreamy enough.

JJ

bio-jj

Stated occupation: “Pantsapreneur”

Occupation translation: “I make pants. I guess they will just let me write anything on this questionnaire, huh?”

Looks like he: Went to private school but tries hard not to look or act like he went to private school.

Best bio bit: If he could have one superpower, he would “never have to sleep/never get tired.” If I could have one superpower it would be to never have to get out of bed.

On the show, he will be the one who: Talks about his stupid pants all the time.

Josh B.

bio-josh-b

Stated occupation: “Telecommunication Marketer”

Occupation translation: “I’m that guy you hate who calls and asks for money for shit.”

Looks like he: Was in a frat; like, one of those frats.

Best bio bit: To him, being married means “sharing every feeling, thought, emotion, and experience with each other.” Clearly this guy has never been in a relationship.

On the show, he will be the one who: Seems perfectly nice and handsome and everything, but doesn’t say anything interesting and gets bounced early.

Josh M.

bio-josh-m

Stated occupation: “Former Pro Baseball Player”

Occupation translation: “Unemployed.” “Former” can’t be in your occupation title unless it’s followed by “president,” “child star,” or “convict.”

Looks like he: Went last in the photo shoot. Is that the BEST picture they took of this dude? I’d love to see the whole roll.

Best bio bit: Troy is one of his three favorite movies. Fucking Troy, the one with Brad Pitt, is in his top three. Think about that.

On the show, he will be the one who: Does something stupid when he gets out of the limo. I can tell from his stupid smile.

Marcus

bio-marcus

Stated occupation: “Sports Medicine Manager”

Occupation translation: “You know how rappers have weed carriers? Athletes have steroid carriers. That’s me.”

Looks like he: Timed his last shave intentionally for optimum photo-shoot-day beard length. “OK, if the photo shoot is Tuesday morning, I could shave Sunday night at about 11 p.m. to allow 36 hours of growth for the perfect ‘I am too busy/tough/cool to shave and am only accidentally this handsome’ look.”

Best bio bit: He’s from a town called Medicine Hat. Top Hat, Baseball Hat, and Pharrell Hat are all more acceptable names for a town than Medicine Hat. Unless Medicine Hat refers to one of those helmets with straws and two beer cans on top, in which case I’m moving there and never coming back.

On the show, he will be the one who: Never says “eh” at the end of sentences but hears that joke from all the other guys anyway because he’s Canadian and all Americans think all Canadians finish sentences with “eh.” I’m secondhand embarrassed just thinking about it.

Marquel

bio-marquel

Stated occupation: “Sponsorship Salesman”

Occupation translation: “I can’t say I work in marketing, I can’t say I work in advertising, and I can’t say I work in events, but I once got two dozen bottles of free tequila for a party I threw, so I’m not lying if I call myself a ‘sponsorship salesman.'”

Looks like he: Raided Hugh Hefner’s jacket closet.

Best bio bit: If he could be anyone else for a day, he would be “Batman. He’s a beast.” Marquel, Batman is not a real person.

On the show, he will be the one who: Makes Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses uncomfortable about voting him off.

Mike

bio-mike

Stated cccupation: “Bartender”

Occupation translation: “Remember that guy who peaked in high school playing basketball and wanted to stay there forever? I’m like that, but with college … and partying.”

Looks like he: Has to hold his hands in front of him and make an L shape with his fingers to fully discern right from left.

Best bio bit: The most romantic gift he’s ever given someone was a “Valentine’s Day scavenger hunt with roses, poems, etc. that ended with a wine and cheese picnic in the snow.” PICNIC IN THE SNOW? Sounds horrible.

On the show, he will be the one who: Gets a makeover from Brett.

Nick S.

bio-nick-s

Stated occupation: “Pro Golfer”

Occupation translation: “If you marry me, I will be traveling 10 months a year, and when I am home, I will be golfing eight hours a day. But seriously, let’s settle down and have kids.”

Looks like he: I like his look. I like the semi-balding thing on this guy. There are certain guys who make balding look aspirational.

Best bio bit: He answered the question “Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal?” with: “Depends on the situation. If I’m in a room alone with a tiger you better believe I’d be seriously afraid.” So rational. I think I irrationally love Nick S. #TeamNickSBaldIsBeautifulIJustUsedAHashtagInAColumn

On the show, he will be the one who: Is quiet at first and comes on late, but gets dropped just before hometowns.

Nick V.

bio-nick-v

Stated occupation: “Software Sales Executive”

Occupation translation: “I’m the reason putting your time sheets in at work is so bad, you’ve considered not getting paid just to avoid it.”

Looks like he: Doesn’t belong on this television program.

Best bio bit: He’s from Waukesha, Wisconsin. If you’re planning to be there on Monday, bad news: The Building and Grounds Meeting has been canceled.

On the show, he will be the one who: We forgot was even on the show until we see him on the Men Tell All special.

Patrick

bio-patrick

Stated occupation: “Advertising Executive”

Occupation translation: “I’m in advertising, but I’m not creative. I don’t come up with the ads, but I play golf with the guys who pay for them.”

Looks like he: Is almost “boring handsome.” Is that is possible? Kind of the dude version of “plain pretty.”

Best bio bit: His chosen superpower would be flight so he could travel and “help others when possible.” Help them how, Patrick? Are you going to deliver messages? Tell people what traffic is like up ahead? Carry them places? Or would they be too heavy? Seems like you haven’t really thought this through …

On the show, he will be the one who: Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses likes and the other guys hate.

Ron

bio-ron

Stated occupation: “Beverage Sales Manager”

Occupation translation: “I fucking party. For a living.”

Looks like he: Carries head shots.

Best bio bit: His hometown is “Nahariya, Israel.” Is he really Israeli or is this like when they said Sharleen was from Germany? Also, his “perfect hometown date” takes place in Barbados. They should clarify what “hometown” means.

On the show, he will be the one who: Tries to teach Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses how to dance and fails.

Rudie

bio-rudie

Stated occupation: “Attorney”

Occupation translation: “I was selected to be on this show so that Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses and I could talk about lawyer-y stuff.”

Looks like he: Forgot to button two buttons and accidentally cut the collar off his T-shirt.

Best bio bit: First off, read this question: “If you could be have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?” “BE HAVE LUNCH WITH?” Now his answer: “The Dalai Lama. He’s rad and one super-happy dude.” What is this? Why is a lawyer using “rad” and “super-happy dude”? I would be on his side if his T-shirt had a collar; seriously, what happened there?

On the show, he will be the one who: Makes it to the final four. How many people have I said that about so far? Twenty?

Steven

bio-steven

Stated occupation: “Snowboard Product Developer”

Occupation translation: “I make bongs.”

Looks like he: Makes bongs.

Best bio bit: His greatest achievement to date was being a camp counselor.

On the show, he will be the one who: Skateboards out of the limo and then gets kicked off for taking bong hits.

Tasos

bio-tasos

Stated occupation: “Wedding Event Coordinator”

Occupation translation: “Wedding planner”

Looks like he: [Redacted.]

Best bio bit: [Redacted.]

On the show, he will be the one who: [Redacted.]

I’m so excited for this season of The Bachelorette. I really think that Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses is going to be the best Bachelorette we’ve had since Ally. While this group has the standard lack of minorities, lack of social deviations, and lack of, you know, interesting people, I still think this will be an excellent season. I’m confident that Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses will carry the whole thing. All hail Andi Dorfman of House Juan Pablo’s Season, Queen of the Scorned, Khaleesi of Greater Atlanta Courtrooms, Bringer of the JuanPablocalypse, and Mother of Roses!

Enjoy your weekend, listen to me make all the same jokes on The Right Reasons podcast, and check back next week for your usual The Challenge + Survivor + Hacky Jokes = GRTFL Column programming.

Filed Under: Reality TV, TV, Previews, Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League, GRTFL, The Bachelorette, The Bachelorette Bro Bio Breakdown!, Andi Dorfman, ABC, The Decline of American Civilization, David Jacoby

Jacoby

David Jacoby is an ESPN producer who somehow became a writer and editor for Grantland.

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