Ring the alarm! Put the kids to bed! Buckle up! Do whatever other colloquial phrases that mean “get ready” tell you to! It is time for the best GRTFL column of the year: THE ANNUAL GRTFL BACHELOR BIOS BREAKDOWN! Fuck. Yes.
An event as significant as the release of the bios of these women — women who have convinced themselves that they so badly want to marry a man they don’t know that they’re willing to humiliate themselves, compete for him on television, and watch him date their friends — needs to be dissected and distributed with a full multimedia approach. With that in mind, my pod partner, Juliet Litman, and I hit up the Grantland Studio to record a special Right Reasons podcast that you can listen to or watch:
Before we get to the goods, there are a few things I want you to keep in mind when you look at the pictures. Is it just me, or:
- Do 90 percent of the women have the same hairstyle?
- Did they Photoshop all the boobs?
- Is there a single woman who looks her stated age?
- Which contestant is going to be the one who doesn’t eat for four days, has three glasses of wine, and then gets kaslammered on the first night?
Let’s do this! (Full ABC bios can be found here.)
Occupation: flight attendant
She kind of looks like she … is that quiet, bookish girl from your high school who you saw at the 10-year reunion and wished you could time travel back to date.
Best bio bit: This year they’re doing this Mad Libs thing that really highlights these ladies’ personalities. Check out Alissa’s answers:
“If I never had to upset others, I would be very happy.”
“If I never got to play with puppies, I would be very sad.”
I’m sure on the first pass she just doodled emoticons in the blanks but then producers explained the rules and made her write out her answers.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … you see offering drinks in the aisles while you’re on a cross-country flight and spend three hours thinking about the right way to bring up that you recognize her from a nationally televised competitive dating show. (There isn’t a right way.)
Occupation: ballet teacher
She kind of looks like she … is that woman you saw on the Internet who is trying to turn into Elsa from Frozen.
Best bio bit: Her biggest dating fear is “not having chemistry with someone.” She either:
- Has never been on a date
- Doesn’t know what the word “biggest” means
- Is repressing some serious trauma
- Really is the human Elsa from Frozen
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … emerges from the limo in her ballet leotard because the producers made her, but she doesn’t own it. Chris doesn’t know how to react, she makes a fool of herself and cries, and then the producers convince Chris to comfort her to establish him as a “sweetheart” early in the season.
Occupation: bartender (I like that she went with “bartender.” Most bartenders north of 28 years old will go with “mixologist” or “cocktail chemist” or some shit.)
She kind of looks like she … There’s something about her that is different from the other ladies. I can’t seem to put my finger on it … oh wait, yes I can: She is the only one in a sleeveless button-up.
Best bio bit: Her top three movies are The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale. That is a solid three-point stance from Amber. It shows her soft side and counterbalances it with a solid appreciation for violence and crime. Shout to Amber’s movies.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … Chris clearly isn’t into but stays around for four episodes anyway for some reason that I can’t seem to put my finger on — oh wait, yes I can, BECAUSE SHE IS BLACK.
How, after very public criticism for not having enough minorities on the show, they don’t mix in some people who don’t look like Elsa from Frozen is beyond me. I just don’t understand how this could happen season after season.
She kind of looks like she … I can’t tell; she is either far and away the most beautiful woman on this show or [redacted by editor].
Best bio bit: When asked what she would do if she really wanted to impress a man, she said she would “make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football with him because that would be fun for me and him. Plus, my football knowledge is impressive.” When a woman makes a move like this, it can break one of two ways: She is either actually into the game or she is just faking it because she thinks that a dude wants her to be into the game. There is little worse than the latter.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … wears so much makeup that one night a hidden camera will catch her taking it off with a chisel.
Occupation: hair stylist
She kind of looks like she … is Kelly Ripa. Like, for real, is that Kelly Ripa?
Best bio bit: If she could be any fictional character, she said she would be Thumbelina. Who the fuck is Thumbelina? How is that your answer to this when “Rocky” and “Chris Tucker from The Fifth Element” are still on the board?
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets caught communicating with her lover back home, Mark Consuelos.
Occupation: chiropractic assistant
She kind of looks like she … can dribble between her legs and pull up from 15 feet.
Best bio bit: Her “greatest achievement to date” is “living alone in California.” This would be an achievement if she were 14 years old, but she’s 26. Basically her greatest achievement is “not living with her parents.”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … will be the one who tells Chris she misses her family and wants to go home, they make a big thing of it, and Chris convinces her to stay because they have “a connection” that he wants to “explore.” And then, two episodes later, he dumps her.
Occupation: plus-size model
She kind of looks like she … [redacted by editor]. (I am going to hell.)
Best bio bit: In her little Mad Libs thing, she wrote, “If I never had to skydive, I would be very happy.” Is she aware that the only scenario on this planet during which she would be forced to skydive is if she answered “skydive” to this Bachelor survey?
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … is way too skinny to be considered “plus size” in any capacity.
She kind of looks like she … weighs 110 pounds and 105 of it is her head.
Best bio bit: Her biggest date fear is “being into someone who isn’t into me.” I am throwing my bullshit flag. All single men and women want someone who isn’t into them. That’s the whole point. Who wants to date someone who is into them?
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … clearly tries to use this as an opportunity to become a country singer or an actress or something. No one moves to Hollywood to be a waitress.
Occupation: WWE Diva-in-training
She kind of looks like she … is the only one who said, “Fuck ‘class,’ I’m competing for a man here. I am showing cleavage.”
Best bio bit: She mentioned that she was a WWE Diva four times in her bio. I get that she is excited about it and everything, but if you are going to let your career choice define you, be a doctor or a teacher or a firefighter or something.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … shows Chris a wrestling move when she gets out of the limo. I would bet my life on it. That is not just a turn of phrase; I will kill myself if she doesn’t do this, that’s how confident I am.
Occupation: cruise ship singer (WHAAAAAAT?)
She kind of looks like she … is “29” and still hasn’t quite mastered how to smile for a picture.
Best bio bit: I mean, better than being a cruise ship singer? Try this little ditty: “I had to be a pirate-watcher from midnight to 4 a.m. in the Red Sea on my last ship. (Yes, you read that correct … actual pirates, not Captain Hook.)” Look at me, look at me. I am the captain now.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … walks the plank on the first day. See what I did there? Get at me, Pulitzer.
Occupation: cosmetics developer
She kind of looks like she … Is it me or does EVERY SINGLE ONE of these women’s hair have the same curls, the same length, the same style? Jade wears it well, though.
Best bio bit: The fictional character that she chose to be is Jane Eyre. When the women read each other’s bios (you know they did), half of them were like, “Oh, man, I wish I hadn’t picked Piglet!” and the other half were like, “Jane Eyre? Wasn’t she the maid on The Brady Bunch?”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets to the final four but then gets bounced before the fantasy suite because Chris can tell she isn’t down for show-sanctioned coitus.
Occupation: news producer (I hope she speaks in Sorkinese all season.)
She kind of looks like she … does 60 lat pull-ups every morning when she gets out of bed.
Best bio bit: The most outrageous thing she has ever done is let Mike Tyson touch her arm. I can’t tell if this is more insulting to Mike Tyson or the word “outrageous.” Also, she can’t live without her bunny rabbit. No joke I come up with will make that funnier.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … is served a dinner set up on a mountaintop at sunset and during dessert is told by Chris that she just ate rabbit.
She kind of looks like she … is 40 years old and played “The Painter’s Girlfriend” on Murphy Brown.
Best bio bit: OK, I kind of love this woman. Here are the best three takeaways:
- She jumped off a boat bare naked in the British Virgin Islands.
- The person she wants to be for a day is Britney Spears, “because she is awesome!”
- If she wanted to impress a man she would “give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … fucking rules, loses in the final four, but is too badass to be the Bachelorette.1
Jade will be the Bachelorette, by the way. Bet on it.
Occupation: esthetician (I looked up what that means: She basically gives facials for a living.)
She kind of looks like she … is 7 feet, 4 inches and can dunk.
Best bio bit: Her worst date memory: “The guy took me to dinner, then refused to eat dinner, and then told me he couldn’t believe I ate my whole dinner.” She is the second woman thus far who mentioned the dude eating less than her on a date. Is this a real thing that people care about? Are women secretly monitoring how much a dude eats at a meal? I’ll tell you what, men aren’t doing that to women. We are too busy sneaking glances at your breasts.
On the show, she’s going to be the one about who … you argue with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse about whether she has breast implants.
Occupation: dance instructor
She kind of looks like she … weighs 50 pounds and 45 of it is head.
Best bio bit: If she won the lottery, she would “buy an island and make it into a land of pirates.” I think that may be the worst answer in this whole project. Why the hell would you use your lottery winnings to isolate yourself with untrustworthy, alcoholic criminals? If that’s what you want to do, you don’t have to win the lottery. Just buy a flight to Vegas.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … is so much better at dancing than Chris that it gets more awkward during one of those already awkward private concert dates.
Occupation: WHO CARES. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?!
She kind of looks like she … is an extra in the stage adaptation of The Lion King.
Best bio bit: If she really wanted to impress a man she would “be myself. And wear a sexy yet tasteful outfit.” Is this what she considers sexy yet tasteful?
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … will be hospitalized for non-physical reasons.
Occupation: guidance counselor
She kind of looks like she … is too normal (in a good way) to be on this show. No crazy eyes, nice smile, good skin. Where are her airbrushed boobs, flowing hair extensions, and silly shirt? Was the stylist at lunch before her shoot?
Best bio bit: Her favorite movies are Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls. What About Bob? is so slept on. Great movie.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … Chris takes a liking to and all the other women turn on. By Episode 4, she will lock herself in a bathroom, sob, and wail, “Why are they so meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan?”
Occupation: yoga instructor
She kind of looks like she … has Drake’s eyes.
Best bio bit: One of her three favorite movies is Another Earth. I had to Google it. Sounds weird. Not so sure about Kimberly.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … is really excited to show Chris how to do some yoga when she gets out of the limo, and it just so happens that all the poses put her butt in his face.
Occupation: dental assistant
She kind of looks like she … just heard something really interesting and only the left side of her face reacted.
Best bio bit: One of her favorite movies is Pineapple Express. SHE SMOKES WEED!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … eats her own “special” cookies she brought from home every night after dinner and then giggles a lot.
Occupation: makeup artist
She kind of looks like she … is wearing a one-piece bathing suit to her Bachelor profile shoot.
Best bio bit: She threw up in her purse on a first date. Shout to Megan, very respectful, I would have gone floor there. What’s the benefit of going purse?
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets voted off early and talks waaaaay too much during the “Women Tell All” episode.
Occupation: wedding cake decorator
She kind of looks like … someone’s putting a gun to her head.
Best bio bit: This is how she would impress a man: “laugh at his jokes to make him feel funny, and ask him questions about himself to make him feel special and show I’m interested.” Dear Any Single Woman Reading This, that will totally work. We are that dumb and self-centered.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … talks about what Chris and her children will look like on the first date.
Occupation: real estate agent
She kind of looks like she … is even older than that chick who played Murphy Brown’s painter’s girlfriend. Also, why are they Photoshopping gigantic boobs on every woman? I need an explanation for this policy.
Best bio bit: Her greatest achievement to date is “being successful enough to have the means and ability to travel wherever I want.” Damn, Nicole, wherever you want? Real estate in Scottsdale must be popping.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets called out by the bitchiest girl in the house for being old.
Occupation: former NFL cheerleader (Is that an occupation?)
She kind of looks like she … is a former NFL cheerleader. And Snooki. I am sure she has heard that before.
Best bio bit: One of her greatest achievements is signing at Wilhelmina Models. I bet she was really excited. And at the same time she was telling her family and friends that she is now an official Wilhelmina Model, some intern at the Wilhelmina Models office leaned over his cubicle and told a colleague, “I have the perfect girl to stand next to a truck at next year’s auto show.”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … “accidently” brushes her hand across Chris’s crotch on their first one-on-one date and then stays for another four weeks and none of the other women can figure out why.
Occupation: cadaver tissue saleswoman
She kind of looks like she … is one of those super-alpha chicks who works out twice a day, schedules everything to the minute, and will never admit when she is wrong.
Best bio bit: To impress a man, “I’d keep my mouth shut. :) Seriously, I think just being supportive and listening to what they have to say works best.” I love “works best” at the end of this statement. “Works best” at what? Landing a husband? What about, you know, enjoying yourself and learning from each other and sharing ideas? None of that for Reegan; she will just pretend to be interested in your bullshit because that is what you want. (She’s right, though.)
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … tries to turn one of the other women into a cadaver.
Occupation: fashion designer
She kind of looks like she … might be the best-looking woman in the cast. Light eyes and dark hair always plays. Not that I would objectify anyone like that.
Best bio bit: Huge revelation: “I enjoy romantic situations like candlelit dinners, sunsets, being cozy, holding hands, etc.” By “etc.” she means sex.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … makes it to show-sanctioned coitus but is ultimately dropped. I mean, how many people have flourishing fashion design careers out of Iowa.
Occupation: executive assistant
She kind of looks like she … is the type of chick that Chris would be into. Just a feeling I get. Probably because she is blonde. I feel like there is a lot of blonde-on-blonde dating in this world.
Best bio bit: Her biggest date fear is “peeing my pants from laughing so hard or something.” Tandra, if you’re laughing so hard you pee your pants, you’re having the best date of your life. And if it works out, the two of you will joke about it until you die.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets engaged to Chris Soules. I’m calling it. Actually, I have no idea. I do think Jade is the next Bachelorette, though.
Occupation: sport fishing enthusiast. OK, THAT IS NOT AN OCCUPATION!
She kind of looks like she … has more guns than T.I.
Best bio bit: Two things she can’t live without: (1) whiskey, and (2) her stuffed beaver named “Beave.” I can’t tell if I love or hate Tara. She was clearly chosen to be the “country girl.”
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … shoots, kills, guts, and stuffs one of the other girls.
Occupation: fourth-grade teacher
She kind of looks like she … woah! I was getting bored with all the kinda-pretty blondes, but Tracy is a refreshing break. She basically looks like Tiffani Amber Thiessen 20 years ago, which is oddly exactly what Tiffani Amber Thiessen looks like today too. Tracy will go far.
Best bio bit: I am just going to say it, her picture. This chick is cute, and not cute in that “I am not going to call you beautiful because you have big cheeks so I am going to call you cute” compliment/insult way. She is cute in that, “I bet your laugh is infectious and you are kind of mischievous” way. I am in on Tracy.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … I develop a crush on.
Occupation: special education teacher
She kind of looks like she … is wearing a sports bra under her tank top.
Best bio bit: Her biggest date fear is “eating something that gives me ‘di-di.’” OK, she is like the 15th person to mention diarrhea in her application. That is 14 too many.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … gets di-di.
Occupation: fertility nurse
She kind of looks like she … who cares, she’s the last one of 30. And let’s be honest: They all look the exact same except for, like, four of them.
Best bio bit: Her biggest dating fear is “falling or spilling her drink.” Here, off the top of my head, without even thinking about it, are five things she would enjoy less on a date than falling down or spilling a drink:
- Falling down … off a cliff and dying
- Spilling a drink on an alligator and being dragged underwater
- Being kidnapped
- Becoming a sink-hole victim
- Getting di-di
On the show, she’s going to be the one who … isn’t that memorable but really makes an, uh, impression, on Bachelor in Paradise.
We are only a few weeks away from, you know, getting REALLY judgey about these folks once we hear them, you know, speak. Monday, January 5, is when the show debuts and also the first day after next Friday that anyone (who doesn’t work in retail) does any real work. Before we know it, we will have Real World, The Challenge, and The Bachelor all at once. 2015 is going to be the balls. As always, enjoy your weekend.