Grantland Reality Fantasy League: Your Bachelorette Season Preview
This week on Real World, Hurricane Nia didn’t punch anybody, or attempt cannibal fellatio, or even get slammered … she apologized and cried. It was that kind of episode. I swear last week’s “next time on” had her sucker punching Averey in the back of the head with a left hook, but they must have sneaked in a “this season on” voice-over instead of “next time on.” Daft. Anyway, without the Hurricane haymaker, this episode wasn’t particularly interesting. So let’s break down the trailer for the coming Bachelorette instead.
Scene 1: Bachelorettes, They’re Just Like Us
Audio: “I’ve never thought this would ever be my life … ”
Video: Snuggling on a dude while walking in a foreign city, hands clasping during a slow dance.
The Takeaway: When Desiree was growing up in a tent (yes, that is a thing), she didn’t expect to be wooed by two dozen dudes on television.
Scene 2: Panera Bread
Audio: [Des to Handsome Bros] “Welcome to ‘Vinera,’ boys! Woooooo!”
Video: Des at the bow of a boat in a harbor announcing they have arrived at, well, “Vinera.”
The Takeaway: I can’t hear very well, but I really think she may have said “Welcome to Panera Bread, boys!” In that case, they are in for a carby lunch.
Scene 3: The Dream Catcher
Audio: “Picture the best dream you have ever had, now times that by ten … and then live in it, that’s where I am!”
Video: Awkward dancing during private concert for two, romantic beach walk (nice butt, Des), mountaintop makeout, snowy mountain range, and, for some reason, Dracula’s castle.
The Takeaway: What they hell are they doing at Dracula’s castle?
Scene 4: Desiring Desiree
Audio: [Random Handsome Bros] “Desiree is the type of girl I could easily fall in love with … Desiree is one in a million … I don’t think she knows how beautiful she is.”
Video: Luxury car pulling up to hotel, helicopter floating through foreign skies, helicopter makeout, ocean makeout, Dez being salsa spun in a cocktail dress.
The Takeaway: We have our first helicopter makeout!
The helicopter makeout is harder to pull off than you think. You’re scared, you’re wearing silly headphones, and there is a microphone in your way blocking the whole thing. Shout-out to Des for defying all logic and making the first GRTFL helicopter makeout happen. You are a pioneer, Des.
Scene 5: Lucky Me
Audio: [Des’s voice] “I am the luckiest girl alive.”
Video: Making out with some Handsome Bro in a hot tub.
The Takeaway: When you are an attractive woman, the hardest part about making out with a dude in a hot tub is finding the hot tub. It has nothing to do with “luck.”
Scene 6: Dream Catcher 2 (Not To Be Confused With Meek Mill’s Mixtape of The Same Name)
Audio: [Handsome Bro voice] “Yeah, this is awesome … Desiree is my dream girl.”
Video: Long-haired Handsome Bro with a picnic in his backpack comes around corner — cut to same Bro and Desiree watching fireworks.
The Takeaway: Fireworks have rapidly depreciating value. After five minutes of fireworks you find yourself checking your phone. I feel like fireworks should be mini-battles in the sky where the explosives have targets. That would really kick things up a notch.
Scene 7: Who Knows?
Audio: “Who knows where this journey is going to go, but this is something I will never, ever forget.”
Video: Long embrace with a Handsome Bro.
The Takeaway: Uh-oh, we are in for a change of tone in this here trailer. And by “uh-oh” I mean “thank god.”
Scene 8: Introduction of Conflict
Audio: “There will definitely be some confrontation.”
Video: Handsome Bros, dressed as cowboys, pushing each other, and then an injured Handsome Bro dressed, well … like this:
The Takeaway: Dressing the contestants up in silly outfits never gets old.
Scene 9: Choke Hazard
Audio: [Random Handsome Bros] “I am going to bleep you up … you’re not here to fall in love with Des … sit the bleep down … who the hell is that?”
Video: Especially Handsome Bro all intense about what other Handsome Bros are here for and then one Handsome Bro standing up to choke another Handsome Bro.
The Takeaway: The choke has always been a weird selection as a first move in a fight. Are you really trying to kill them? A punch would have been better — and plays much better on camera.
Scene 10: Actual Punches
Audio: “This is not right.”
Video: Two Handsome Bros exchanging haymakers.
The Takeaway: This is a first. Never have actual “I am trying to hurt you” punches been thrown in the history of this franchise. I am proud.
Scene 11: Damage Control
Audio: “He bleepin’ hits me out of left field!”
Video: Crying Beefy Handsome Bro pleading his case to Des one-on-one.
The Takeaway: Either be the guy that gets in fights and throws punches or be the victim that gets punched; you can’t be both.
Scene 12: Establishing a Villain
Audio: “I don’t care if every guy hates me, I am definitely here to win this competition … he has a girlfriend … how does that happen? … he is the kind of guy who is thinking about his second and third wife on his honeymoon.”
Video: Kissing, eye-rolling, shocked reactions, pensive looks, then a smiling Prep School–Looking Handsome Bro:
The Takeaway: Prep School Handsome Bro must have done well with Des to make all the other Handsome Bros hate him this much. This guy is getting a lot of screen time in this piece; methinks we have found a male Tierra.
Scene 13: Male Tierra
Audio: [Prep Scool Handsome Bro] “I am not here to make enemies … [Other Handsome Bro] That’s not what I heard … [Prep School Handsome Bro] This couldn’t be working out better in my favor … I love watching you smile … these guys are dumb [douche laugh] … He chose the wrong person to lie to.”
Video: People talking, Handsome Bros making reaction faces, Prep School Handsome Bro somehow making smiling unlikable and Prep School Handsome Bro making out with Des.
The Takeaway: Prep School Handsome Bro’s GRTFL draft stock just went through the roof.
Scene 14: The GBH (Girl Back Home)
Audio: [Random Handsome Bros] “At this point, it’s about to go down … That’s his girlfriend … It’s gonna get REAL … [girl crying] Why did you do this to me? … [Harrison] You’re not telling the truth … [Des] He’s disrespecting women … [girl crying] He is a lying, cheating, deceitful pig!”
Video: They show everyone saying their bites, but there is one curious piece of B Roll of a Handsome Bro reacting.
The Takeaway: If the “lying, cheating, deceitful pig” is not the particular Handsome Bro they show, the editor owes him an apology.
Scene 15: Wait, There Is Another Villain, Some Dude Named James
Audio: [Random Handsome Bros] “Desire needs to know the things that were said behind her back … James said that if he plays his cards a certain way he is going to come out as the next Bachelor … [Des] James, will you accept my rose? … [James] I will … [Random Handsome Bros] She is going to know exactly what happened, she is going to be crushed … what a bleep … This will erupt, it will absolutely erupt … I would have never made those comments you made on the bus … [James] That’s not what I said! … [Random Handsome Bros] He’s a cancer … this is a big deal … Why did you say that? … [James] You are putting words in my mouth, he heard this … [Random Handsome Bros] Everyone sees through his bullbleep … you thought you were outsmarting everyone … [James] I can’t even deal with this bullbleep.”
Video: Shots of a confrontation among the Handsome Bros mixed in with B Roll of Handsome Bros listening to stuff and James making out with Desiree.
The Takeaway: Two villains and a Handsome Bro with a girlfriend? This looks promising.
Scene 16: Everyone Cries
Audio: [Des] “I don’t even think I can take this right now … [James crying, again] It’s way worse than I thought it was going to be. There is nothing I can say, you know, to make it better …[Handsome Bro] This is not something she is ever going to be able to get over … [Des] I have never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them … [Random Handsome Bro] It makes me feel sick to my stomach, I feel so bad for her … [Des] I don’t deserve to be heartbroken … [Random Handsome Bro] I just pray that she can continue to be her sweet self and I hope she doesn’t let her fear get the best of her … [Des] I almost resent the guys for putting this on me … [Handsome Bro] This is worst possible scenario … ”
Video: Crying, crying, and more crying. There are eight total cries in this section. Some solid man tears, too.
The Takeaway: Men don’t look cool crying.
Scene 17: Defeated Des
Audio: “I never thought this could happen.”
Video: Des doing this:
The Takeaway: Unclear what she never thought would happen, especially since earlier she made it clear that she never thought any of this could happen. Also, is that Des or a stand-in?
Scene 18: Don’t Lose Faith in Love, Des
Audio: [Random Handsome Bro] I don’t want her to lose faith in the guys that are here … [Des] Wow … [Random Handsome Bro] The moments that take your breath away for a second makes you refocus on what’s important … [Random Handsome Bro] I have never had this feeling before, it’s like you have known me my whole life … [Des] I trust you … [Random Handsome Bro] I feel like this is a chance to have a new beginning … ”
Video: There is a shot of Dracula’s castle and Des on top of a mountain. They are really milking this mountaintop moment, and to their credit … it looks amazing.
The Takeaway: Never, ever, lose faith in carefully planned, overproduced love.
Scene 19: Des Finds Love
Audio: [Des] “Because of what I have been through … I did gain a lot of clarity … you bring out the best in me … At this point, I can trust all of them.”
Video: Des doing stuff with Handsome Bros including standing next to a giant sand castle, drinking beer out of a snifter on the beach, taking a selfie, and making out in the ocean.
The Takeaway: In case you were concerned, the Bachelorette finds carefully planned, overproduced love.
Scene 20: Handsome Bros Find Love Too!
Audio: [Random Handsome Bros] “I am as in love as I have ever been … I am never going to hurt you … this is the girl I could be with for the rest of my life … I can honestly say that I am one of the luckiest men alive … This is the best I have felt in many, many years … “
Video: Some foreign churchy thing and doing stuff with Des. Talking with Des about never hurting her, making out with Des, eating a sausage like Lady and the Tramp with Des, going on an amusement park ride with Des, and getting pushed around on a huge wicker shopping cart with Des:
The Takeaway: In case you were concerned, the Handsome Bros also find carefully planned, overproduced love.
Scene 21: Des Loves Love, Wants Everyone to Have Love, and Deserves Love
Audio: [Des] “This is so awesome … love is something everyone should feel … look at where we are right now … [crying Des] I always knew I was deserving of it but I have never felt so loved … ”
Video: Des climbing mountains with Handsome Bros, Des making out in European alleyways with Handsome Bros, Des getting carried around by Handsome Bros and running through orange orchards with Handsome Bros.
The Takeaway: Somehow this thing isn’t over. Also, somehow Des has contradicted herself three times and this is only two minutes long.
Scene 22: America Has Been Waiting to Fall in Love With Des, the Wait Is Over
Audio: [Handsome Bros] “I have been waiting my entire life for this moment … I’m in love with Des … ”
Video: Lovey-dovey shit followed by the Bachelorette graphic.
The Takeaway of All the Takeaways: WE ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING OUR ENTIRE LIVES TO FALL IN LOVE WITH DES.
OK, now, what was the point of all that? Sure there are the typical Bachelor(ette) beats: They are excited about finding love, they establish “connections,” they are forced to publicly break up with people every three days, they get “overwhelmed,” they aren’t sure they “can take it,” they end up finding love, and then they end up breaking up on the cover of grocery store gossip mags. That said, there are a couple things unique to this season that are worth getting excited about: They punch each other, they have GBHs stop by the set, and they, you know, go to Dracula’s castle. All in all, I look forward to watching Des’s season — but not nearly as much as I look forward to talking to my colleagues about it when I should be working.
Anyway, here is the Real World scoring for this week. If Bird’s boyfriend Mark taught us anything, he taught us that if you are going to be on a reality show for one night, don’t make it the drunkest night of your life.
Ana (Real World, Simmons), 50 points: Here’s the thing about “Bird” (she nicknamed herself, by the way, which is never OK) — she isn’t happy with her experience on Real World because she doesn’t get to talk about herself enough. “I thought that we were all supposed to be here to understand each other and get to know, like … I’m wrong, I’m wrong about what this is, I guess. I guess my expectations for this were too high. For all the conversations that I have had with you about your relationships with, like, Tyler, I don’t think you have gotten to know my relationship with Mark either. It’s not just you, it’s everyone here.” SHE IS UPSET BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T GET TO TALK ABOUT HERSELF ENOUGH.
She is really anticipating the visit from her boyfriend because she finally gets to talk about herself, and “All my life I wanted a good relationship with a man [crying] because I didn’t have a dad. So I finally found somebody that I really trust, and being in love with Mark is the greatest thing that I ever had.” When a Real World cast member says something like that and also says, “Excessive alcohol does make me uncomfortable” in the same episode, you can pretty much tell what is about to go down. Yep, SLAMMERTIME.
Mark is going to be on national television once in his life. Once. He does not put his best foot forward. In fact, I would be shocked if he could put either foot forward after the amount of booze he imbibed. The odd thing was that it wasn’t like he had a partner in slammeration, he just got inslopsicated and then went home and got into an argument with Bird (5 + 5 = 10 points). The argument looked like this:
And sounded like this:
Bird: “How many drinks did you have tonight, Mark? You went SO overboard.”
Slammered Boyfriend From Back Home: “What? What are you talking about?”
Bird: “You know exactly what I am talking about.”
Slammered Boyfriend From Back Home: “No. What?”
Bird: “If you don’t know what I am talking about, don’t come back tomorrow!”
So, he bounced. What happened next was curious. He went to a hotel, Bird found him at the hotel, argued with him some more, and then the front desk called and asked her to leave. How these events took place was never explained, so it is easily the GRTFL Questionable Moment of the Week:
How did she know what hotel he was in? Who paid for the hotel? How did he get to the hotel? What role did the producers have in him procuring a hotel? Did he just have a hotel sitting there in case he couldn’t sleep? When she got to the hotel, how did she find his room? Why weren’t the cameras allowed in? Why didn’t she take off her mic pack? Why don’t they make smaller mic packs? Did producers tell her to wear the mic pack and not tell him? Why the hell did the front desk call? Because they heard them fighting? Because a camera crew was outside? Because they knew that them calling was the only way to end this ridiculous argument? Why did they show the exterior of the hotel the whole time? What if that wasn’t even the hotel that they argued in and they just went and shot a random building? That is what I would have done.
Anyone who has been in a relationship knows that after a night of crying (4 x 5 = 20 points) and arguing comes the morning makeup. Bird and Mark did theirs over breakfast. Please have a look at what Mark ordered for breakfast:
PANCAKES ARE NOT A BREAKFAST FOOD, THEY ARE A BREAKFAST SIDE ORDER. After he eats half of that doughy vehicle for syrup, he is going to start eating Bird’s eggs and potatoes. Forget fireworks, pancakes have SERIOUSLY depreciating value. Over the pancakes, Mark asked Bird to go back home to Detroit and leave the Real World, and she obliged (15 points). The second after she kissed him good-bye (5 points), her roommates convinced her to stay. Are they going on a trip this season? There are only a few more episodes left and I need something interesting to happen. This season’s cast has been like Mark’s pancakes, “all exciting at first and then by the end you are fuckin’ sick of ‘em.”
Averey and Johnny (Real World, Lisanti and Jacoby), 25 points: Hurricane Nia used to be running around in her underwear, threatening death by desk lamp and offering fellatio to anyone with a pulse. Now she is all about apologies and maturation and other boring bullshit like that. When she approached Johnny and his Way Too Hot For Him Girlfriend Averey to apologize, she found them in bed with Averey straddling Johnny. She lay down on the bed next to them and said that she had to talk. Averey asked if it could wait. Nia didn’t seem interested in waiting. Averey explained that they were mid-coitus and Nia finally obliged and gave them some privacy (25 points). Now, this sounds crazy, but in Nia’s defense Johnny was wearing a hooded sweatshirt. How can you coitus with a hooded sweatshirt on? Even weirder than coitusing with a hoodie on was where Johnny and Bird sat when he was telling her the story:
You know that you have been in Portland too long when you sit down cross-legged on the sidewalk and have a conversation. This is something New Yorkers simply don’t do.
Nia (Real World, House), 5 points: Nia cried when she apologized (5 points). Read that again. Now read it again. It was so disappointing. Bird spoke for everyone when she said, “Nia, I have never seen you cry. I don’t like it.” Please start punching people, Nia.
Check back next week to see Des The Bachelorette meet her two dozen new suitors. One dude shows up in a suit of armor. Why? Because The Bachelorette.