Grantland Reality Fantasy League: Our First League Intervention!
Before we even get to the week in GRTFL scoring, there are some developments in reality TV that must be covered:
First, Emily Maynard is totally Tiger Woodsing Jeff With One F. She got caught getting all sexty on her phone with some other dude. His brother even confirmed it. Oh wait, Jeff says his brother is just trying to “see his name in a magazine.” Whatever. Are you telling me that a television show formatted to make a woman fall in love with four dudes at the same time would lead to a troubled engagement? Nah, that’s just crazy talk.
Second, America’s fifth major sport, MTV’s The Challenge, debuted the trailer for its latest incarnation, “Battle of the Seasons.” I may or may not have watched it 37 times.
But now let’s get to the GRTFL scoring. Yeah, we’re starting with a 10-point performance — but what Stags lacked in the box score this week on Bachelor Pad he more than made up for in disrespectability:
Stags (Bachelor Pad, House), 10 points: Let me offer some context: Stags spent the entire last season of Bachelor Pad trying to rekindle his love affair with his ex-fiancée Holly. It didn’t work out. She dissed him and went and married some dude named Blake. All was not lost, though, because his likability and strategic play earned him the top spot and the prize money. This episode it looked like he was on track to defend his Bachelor Pad championship belt … but that didn’t work out either.
You see, the producers broke out a crucial-but-underused tool in reality television production — the mid-season rule change. Basically, it was obvious who was going home, so they sent Chris Harrison in to keep Chris the Terrible Dancer on at all costs. I could provide the rule-change details but, let’s be honest, you don’t care. After they hacked the Matrix, Stags had to think fast and hatched a plan to stay in the game with his make-out partner Rachel (5 points), which involved voting his “friend” Erica Rose off. Erica sniffed it out, took Stags off the show with her, and left in a blaze of disrespectful glory that must be shared (5 points):
Stags: “Erica, I tried to get you off, I’m not denying that.”
Erica Rose: “Yes you did, and that is what makes you a crappy person and a crappy friend. Michael, you could have included me into your alliance, but you are so fake. The smartest thing that Holly ever did was dump your ass and marry Blake. That was the smartest decision she ever made, because at least she is with a real man who is honest and doesn’t lie.”
I am all for unleashing the lowest of possible low blows in televised arguments, but the most shocking thing about this is how shocked the contestants are that they are being lied to on a reality show that forces you to lie to win. It’s like screaming at someone in a pickup basketball game because you fell for their upfake.
Rob With Two Bs (Real World, Connor), 43 Points: Robb has problems. Problems that he deals with by drinking every single night (8 points), arguing with people (5 points), burning himself, and punching himself in the face. (Like, for real — he punches himself in the face.) His roommates were concerned about this and decided to make history by staging the first Official GRTFL Intervention (30 points):
Brandon: “We just wanted to have, like, a guy conversation, you know what I mean? Just something that the fellas wanted to sit down and talk about. And we wanted to do it before any liquor was in your system … ”
Rob With Two Bs: “You want to talk about my drinking, right?
Rob With Two Bs: “Then me hurting myself?”
You know you have serious issues when you friends stage an intervention and it takes you two guesses to even figure out what they are intervening about.
LaToya (Real World, Kang), 25 points: Writing this column isn’t easy — sometimes you have to make tough decisions that will hurt people. For example, this week in the middle of an argument (5 points), Swift claimed a previous, off-camera act of coitus with his roommate LaToya. An act of coitus that LaToya then denied. The difficult question I face is: Should LaToya be awarded fraudulent-denial-of-coitus points? Or should Swifty be awarded fraudulent-claim-of-coitus points? I’m sure that President Obama deals with this kind of conundrum all the time. Like anyone faced with a difficult judgment call, I intently listened to each argument, carefully reviewed the evidence, and made a sound decision I was positive was the right call.
Oh wait, no I didn’t, I just said she was lying (20 points) because, you know, I had a hunch.
Sonja (The Real Housewives of New York City, Kang), 15 points: Sonja lost her mind this week. While she was being confronted about missing Aviva’s charity spin class (yep, you read that right), the best excuse that she could come up with was that her dog had to pee. Seriously, that was her move: “When a dog loses her bladder function, that is a sign [sniff] they [sob] will [sniff] die” (2 x 5 points = 10).
That was tremendous and everything, but it still couldn’t top her BFF Ramona’s comment after closing the door upon entering a cab: “I’m used to having someone help me with the door. This is hard work.”
I can’t wait until I make enough money that I consider closing a car door hard work. “How was work today, Jacoby?” “Tough, closed three doors today, opened two, and walked through all of ‘em. Can you open a beer for me and pour it down my throat? But before you do that, come over here and push me so I land on the couch in a sitting position; I don’t have the energy to sit.” Future Wealthy Asshole Me is the best.
Chris (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 10 points: Like Erica, Chris the Terrible Dancer is shocked and appalled that people on the show would be less than honest. He twice called Kalon a “big liar” with a straight face and meant it to be an actual hurtful insult (5 points). One time he even went with, “You are just a big liar, homeboy.” (Note to self: A disastrous use of the term “homeboy” should be worth points next season.) Anyway, he then transitioned that display into one of my favorite mid-argument moves (5 points): He turned into the screaming-about-being-quiet-guy. While he was arguing with Ed, he interrupted, “I can bleeping hear you dude. YOU ARE NOT SCREAMING AT ME! I’m A GROWN-ASS MAN, you can talk TO ME LIKE A GROWN-ASS MAAAAAAAN!” Chris puts the moronic in oxymoronic.
Kalon (Bachelor Pad, Kang), 10 points: Kalon’s lips really bother me. Does he wear lip gloss? Did he get injections? Or does he just have weird lips? I still can’t decide what bothers me the most: those lips, how creepy he is as a teen in this video, or the fact that GRTFL Super Scorer Caitlin Mangum actually found this video.
Heather (The Real Housewives of New York City, Lisanti), 10 points: I was going to write something about the two verbal dust-ups that Heather got into this week, but I am still distracted by the image of Kalon’s plump, glossy man-lips. They are Jagger-level haunting.
Rachel (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 10 points: After her snog partner Stags (5 points) was voted off, Rachel got cry-y (5 points) and was all, “I’m really lost right now … I don’t … I just hate this.” Then Stags whispered some supportive stuff in her ear and she decided to stay. The audio wasn’t that good, but I think I heard him say, “Don’t sweat it, girl, I’m not worth it; right when I get home I am going to record a terrible music video, announce a tour, and start a website where you can buy ‘Stag Swag.’ Sure you’re still into me? Didn’t think so.”
Swift (Real World, House), 10 points: Swift got in two verbal fights this week (10 points). One of them was because he spazzed out when his roommates jokingly questioned his sexuality. Violently lashing out over a gay joke at your expense is not going to do much in terms of convincing people of your heterosexuality. Just saying.
Erica Rose (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 10 points: After kicking Stags off the show and arguing with Rachel (5 points), Erica dropped this gem: “I really am leaving Bachelor Pad a better place than I found it. I am taking away a dictator. Now, by removing Michael, people’s minds don’t have to be brainwashed. People can be free to make their own decisions. They don’t have to have a tiny little man telling them who to vote for.”
Dear Erica, you voted someone off a reality TV show. You did not lead the Egyptian revolution.
Lindzi (Bachelor Pad, Connor), 5 points: Lindzi and Kalon swapped spit during their date on a bridge that was shut down so they could have dinner. Me? I would have spent the entire meal feeling guilty, turning to the producers and being all, “Dude, can we eat on the sidewalk? It’s no big deal, there are hardworking people trying to get home after a long day, and here I am eating a chicken breast in the middle of their commute. Why didn’t we just go to a restaurant?”
Ed (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 5 points: Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape got yelled at by Chris the Terrible Dancer (5 points) and then walked off with an adorable declaration: “This game is stupid.” Just Ed being Ed.
Blakeley and Tony (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 5 points: Confession time! There is a Hooters by the Grantland office, and one evening I popped in to watch the NBA playoffs. As I sipped on my delicious Bud Light and watched the Celtics open up a big lead against the Heat, one of the monitors caught my eye. It was the monitor that plays the last eight or so annual Hooters Bikini Pageant shows on a loop. There was something familiar about the bikinied, young(ish) lady walking the runway and smiling wide for the camera, and then it hit me … it was Blakeley.
Naturally, I assumed I hallucinated the whole thing. Well, this week on Bachelor Pad the contestants had to carry a tray with a stack of teacups on it, and imagine my surprise when Blakeley announced, “So glad I worked at Hooters for 13 years!” That one simple statement led to this week’s TWO GRTFL top fives. The first is the Top Five Questions That Popped Into My Head When Blakeley Announced She Worked at Hooters for 13 Years, listed from “just natural curiosity” to “Whoa, I never thought of that; this woman might be an alien sent from the future to kill us all”:
5. “OK, she claims to be 28, she also claims to have worked at Hooters for 13 years and didn’t work at Hooters when she taped Ben’s season over a year ago, so … How old is this chick?”
4. “If she worked at Hooters for 13 years, how come she is so bad at manipulating men to get what she wants?”
3. “How has Hooters gotten by this long selling such shitty hot wings?”
2. “Why haven’t they updated the uniforms? Those socks look downright foolish.”
1. “After 12 years at Hooters don’t they, like, make you a manager, hire you in the corporate office, or, ya know, have you put down?”
The second GRTFL Top Five is the Top Five Most Disrespectful Comments Made About Blakeley’s Tenure at Hooters, listed from “That’s kinda mean” to “Even someone who worked at Hooters for 13 years doesn’t deserve to be talked to like that:”
5. “It just pisses me off that she got a challenge that is so up her alley. If we had a shopping challenge I would dominate this.”
4. “This isn’t fair. Obviously this is going to give the advantage to the person who worked at Hooters for 35 years.”
3. “Blakeley is at an unfair advantage because she has worked a place known for boobs and wings for her whole life.”
2. “That is bleeped-up that she won the competition. She was a Hooters girl for 25 years; of course she won this challenge.”
1. “Blakeley is a little bit on the trashier side. Like masculine tattoos and, you know, she used to work at Hooters.”
That “masculine tattoos” phrase really gets me. I watched that bit four times. I can’t wait to try it out in the wild.
Jaclyn (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 5 points: Jaclyn cried (5 points) because Ed publicly announced he wasn’t there to pursue a romantic relationship with her. Now she is going to have to go out in the real world and find herself another Alcoholic Aquatic Ape that sleeps with her friends. Tough break.
Aviva (The Real Housewives of New York City, Lisanti), 5 points: In the middle of yelling at Ramona about not going to her charity spin class, Aviva screeched, “It wasn’t about ME OR MY CHARITY. IT WAS ABOUT THE CHILDREN WHO ARE MISSING LEGS.” I was all ready to make fun of her for it, but later in the episode they gave a kid a set of “running legs” and he ran for the first time and I almost cried watching The Real Housewives of New York City. Almost.
Marie (Real World, Simmons), 5 points: There is nothing worse than girls that like to see you fight. I once knew this chick (‘sup Jen from Queens) that used to always come over to me at parties and tell me about how so-and-so said they don’t like me and try to get me in fights all night. For the life of me I can’t fathom what she enjoyed about this, but she really loved writing checks that my face had to cash. Marie on the Real World is one of those girls. Check out this exchange:
Rob With Two Bs: “I’m not getting in that boat with him, I want to bleepin’ hit him. I want to bleepin’ hit him.”
Rob With Two Bs: “Because he pissed me the bleep off.”
Marie: “So why wouldn’t you get in the boat with him? Stop. That is what a bitch would do. Hit the kid already.”
And as if that wasn’t enough, the next day she followed-up with this:
Marie: “You feel like you look like a bitch, you know, because you kind of do. ‘Cause you go in there and then you walk out, like, two seconds later.”
Rob With Two Bs: “What am I going in there to try to prove?”
Marie: “That’s what I am saying! Because you’re proving nothing.”
Rob With Two Bs: “I am proving everything to myself.”
Marie: “If you want to be looked at differently, then keep doing what you are doing — because then people are going to think that you’re soft.”
This whole episode made me turn on Marie the International Heineken Smuggler 100 percent. There is a part of me that thinks she is trying to get Rob With Two Bs to hit someone so he gets kicked out and she doesn’t have to deal with him crushing on her anymore. There is another part of me that knows she doesn’t have the foresight to hatch a plan like this. And there’s yet another part of me that is just displacing anger. Damn you, Jen from Queens.