Grantland Reality Fantasy League: New Year, New Shows, Same Drunk Idiots
Welcome to Season 3 of the GRTFL! What does that mean? To be honest … not much. However, we will be adding a couple new shows to the rotation and bringing back some old favorites. This week we will be adding MTV’s latest in the “Let’s Hope This Catches On Like Jersey Shore Did” genre, Buckwild. Buckwild is basically Jersey Shore if you swapped out all the guidos for rednecks, nightclubs for swimming holes, and alcohol-abusing fame-hungry idiots for, ya know, alcohol-abusing fame-hungry idiots. As we always do when we add new shows to the GRTFL, we drew up some stupid rules and had a stupid draft:
Brandishing Firearm: 10 points
Brandishing Homemade Firearm: 25 points
Detonating Homemade Explosive: 10 points
Disparaging City Folk: 10 points
Disparaging Rich Folk: 10 points
Graduating High School: -15 points
Receiving an “A” Grade in School: -10 points
Racism: 15 points
Sexism: 15 points
Acknowledging Hip-Hop Culture: -5 points
Cross-Pollination With Cast Member of Washington Heights: 100 points
Cross-Pollination With Cast Member of Jersey Shore: -25 points
Brewing/Distilling Alcohol: 25 points
Naming Child Using Traditional Spelling: -25 points
Coitusing Bob Huggins: 1,000 points
Lisanti: Joey and Ashley
This show premiered last night, so I imagine there will be a ton of coverage on the Webinet this morning. So allow me to add my two cents before we get to the scoring.
My official review of Buckwild: Eh. It’s OK.
Cara and Tyler (Buckwild, House and Connor), 25 points: The natural response to watching Buckwild is to observe the way that these folks live their West Virginia lives, point, laugh, and feel a little bit better about yourself. The release of promotional clips leading up the premiere was nothing but a quick cut of muddy pickup trucks, garbled semi-sentences, and post-teen sexcapades that all screamed a slightly varied version of “HEY! LOOK AT THESE CRAZY REDNECKS!”
The thing is, they aren’t that crazy. If Jersey Shore felt like it was from a remote planet, Buckwild feels like it is from a remote table at the high school cafeteria. Buckwild has a guy named Joey who said of his buddy Shain, “Shain is my best friend, ya know? He is a trash man and I work at the spark plug plant. We are two of the coolest guys you will ever meet.” You can relate to a guy that works at a spark plug plant a lot easier than you can a guy who wears sunglasses to nightclubs and has a pierced penis. In that sense, the Buckwild experiment kind of backfired.
Without the spectacle, shock, and pageantry that Jersey Shore boasted, Buckwild has to rely on its cast to carry an audience. And while Shain is the most charming garbage man since the legendary LeRoy, I could care less about his love life. When Anna screamed at Tyler for coitusing Cara in her bed (25 points), I found myself less interested in the tension between the two of them than I was in how the barbecue-flavored potato chip managed to attach itself to the front of Tyler’s sweatshirt.
(Seriously, am I alone on this? Did anyone else see this potato chip? That thing was the spider monkey of barbecue potato chips.)
Salwa (Buckwild, Simmons), 20 points: Toward the end of the episode we were introduced to Salwa, the “exotic” (read: “ethnic”) cast member. I would write a graph about tokenism here, but anytime I talk about race the editors cut it, so I am just going to talk about her boobs. [Ed. note: Your flimsy excuse to talk about her boobs fools no one, Jacoby.] They came out (20 points). They came out in a dump truck that was converted into a pool. Now, I know that I just spent the previous graph explaining how their lives were relatable and all, but there was certainly some redneckery on display. This week’s GRTFL Top Five is the Top Five Normal Scenes of Everyday Life That Were Kicked Up a Notch with Good Ol’ West Virginia Redneck Spice, listed from “No biggie, I do that too” to “That can’t be true — do I have start watching this show?”
5. What happened: Police came to the girl’s house because of a noise complaint.
Added Dash of West Virginia Redneck Spice: As they approached, Anna said, “Is that Officer Davis? Oh my god, I love him.”
4. What happened: The crew went for a dip in a swimming hole.
Added Dash of West Virginia Redneck Spice: Shain swam in his jeans. On purpose. Like they were swim trunks.
3. What happened: They jumped off the roof of a house into a swimming pool.
Added Dash of West Virginia Redneck Spice: The swimming pool was a dump truck.
2. What happened: The crew met a buddy at the swimming hole.
Added Dash of West Virginia Redneck Spice: The buddy was named “Blue Foot.”
1. What happened: Shain explained how he communicates with the world.
Added Dash of West Virginia Redneck Spice: “I don’t have a phone, I don’t have a Facebook or none of that Internet stuff. If I need to talk to my neighbors, all I have to do is come on my porch and say, “Hey, I need a loaf of bread, bring it over here. I need a cup of milk, bring it over here. That’s why it’s called a holler. When you holler, it echoes and everyone can hear.”
Anna (Buckwild, Kang), 10 points: Here’s the thing about physical altercations: You only have them when you are drunk and you are only good at them when you are sober. Anna attempted to push her neighbor, fell down a hill, made a fool of herself, injured her shoulder, and her friend then sat on her until she calmed down (10 points). While semi-entertaining, I swear this was the only scene of the entire episode that didn’t involve mud, vehicular misuse, or cans of domestic beer. Why don’t they just rename the show “Mud, Vehicular Misuse, and Cans of Domestic Beer”? Buckwild doesn’t make any damn sense anyway.
So, Buckwild looks fun and all, but the novelty will wear off quickly. I bet in four weeks I will regret adding this show to the GRTFL and start mailing in the writeups the way I did with Real Housewives of New York City. That will not be the case with The Bachelor.
The Bachelor returns on Monday, and I can’t fucking wait. In advance of next week’s GRTFL Bachelor expansion draft, I have done some scouting. By “scouting” I mean “glanced at their online profiles, Googled for 30 seconds, and then made disrespectful assumptions about them.” That’s how it works in pro sports, right? Anyway, here are my scouting reports for the 26 ladies vying for the heart of Sean, the most boring in a long line of incredibly boring Bachelors:
What jumped out at me from her profile: She is a “fit model”.
What a brief Google search yielded: Zero pictures of her modeling.
Prediction: Final five or so.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Her occupation is listed as “personal organizer.” I have no idea what that means. It could mean “President Obama’s Body Woman” or it could mean “housekeeper.” I’m leaning toward the latter.
What a brief Google search yielded: There is a woman named Ashley Frazier on the Kentucky women’s volleyball team. Different Ashley Frazier.
Prediction: Goes far but doesn’t win. She has been previously married, not sure that is what Sean is looking for.
Name: Ashley H.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Seriously, how many women named Ashley are there?
What a brief Google search yielded: Tons about the other Ashley H. that was on this stupid show, little modeling from this Ashley H.
Prediction: Don’t see her making it to Episode 3. Too pageanty.
Name: Ashley P.
What jumped out at me from her profile: ANOTHER ASHLEY?
What a brief Google search yielded: If you name your daughter Ashley, she will end up on The Bachelor.
Prediction: Sean sends her home on the second day. But only because he got her confused with Ashley H.
What jumped out at me from her profile: She is African American! This franchise desperately needs a prominent African American character.
What a brief Google search yielded: There are places on the Internet that take The Bachelor VERY seriously.
Prediction: Don’t see Brooke breaking the Bachelor color barrier.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Very cute. Cute, however, is not always a good thing.
What a brief Google search yielded: She blogs about vegan doughnuts.
Prediction: Final four, for sure. Sean seems like a guy that likes “cute.”
What jumped out at me from her profile: She is in “commercial casting” but somehow isn’t in actual commercials.
What a brief Google search yielded: She covered a Dwight Howard All-Star Weekend party as a, um, journalist?
Prediction: Doesn’t sleep two nights in the house.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Desiree has a big forehead. (Sorry, Desiree.)
What a brief Google search yielded: Two sites that list her home address. Super creepy. Again, sorry, Desiree.
Prediction: Out early.
What jumped out at me from her profile: She looks just like Miley Cyrus. Just like her.
What a brief Google search yielded: Yep, she looks like Miley Cyrus.
Prediction: Methinks “divorced with two kids” does not bode well for longevity on this program.
What jumped out at me from her profile: “I’m pretty clumsy so I fall a lot.”
What a brief Google search yielded: This woman actually is a “fit model.”
Prediction: I see her going pretty far. Final seven.
What jumped out at me from her profile: She has EXTREMELY curly hair.
What a brief Google search yielded: She also blogs about healthy food. Wouldn’t you rather have a partner who blogs about bacon or vodka or explosions or something? (Note to self: Start explosion blog.)
Prediction: Hair too curly. Not sticking around.
What jumped out at me from her profile: She is a “cruise ship entertainer.” I will spare you the jokes.
What a brief Google search yielded: R. Kelly was going to have his own cruise ship once upon a time. I just got sad.
Prediction: R. Kelly never gets this cruise ship project off the ground.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Q: “What is your greatest achievement to date?” A: “Going back to college … ” $10 says she went back for a football game.
What a brief Google search yielded: She was totally in a Hooters pageant.
Prediction: NO chance with Sean. His blond plus her blonde means their kids would be transparent.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Dark hair and light eyes are always a turn-on.
What a brief Google search yielded: She may or may not have applied to be a Maxim Hometown Hottie. I dare you to watch more than 30 seconds of this video — it’s impossible.
Prediction: Final four, for sure.
What jumped out at me from her profile: She is a grad student.
What a brief Google search yielded: Her last name is Latka. Have you ever tried a latte with vodka? Me neither, but after getting halfway through this list, I could use one.
Prediction: Too ’70s.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Q: “I hate it when my date … ” A: “ … doesn’t offer to pick me up from my house, texts me, and doesn’t come to the door to let me know he’s there.” THAT ISN’T A DATE, LAUREN, THAT IS A KIDNAPPER — RUN!
What a brief Google search yielded: She was a Patriots cheerleader.
Prediction: They are all starting to look the same at this point. How does Chris Harrison remember all the names?
What jumped out at me from her profile: Q: “What is your favorite memory from your childhood?” A: “The whole thing in its entirety.” Oh, Lesley.
What a brief Google search yielded: She brought a football to the show as an excuse to look at Sean’s ass.
Prediction: I think she goes pretty far. Final five.
What jumped out at me from her profile: She is a poker dealer. Anyone who has played poker in a casino knows that this is a uniquely miserable job.
What a brief Google search yielded: There are schools where you can learn to become a casino dealer. A bazillion of them.
Prediction: Makes it to the fourth episode.
What jumped out at me from her profile: I feel like when you spell your name Lindsay, we should all pronounce it Lind-say.
What a brief Google search yielded: Her online presence has been “scrubbed,” according to the Pulaski County Daily.
Prediction: She goes far. Final eight.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Judging by her head tilt in the profile picture, her left ear must weigh about 20 pounds.
What a brief Google search yielded: I guess she was on Bachelor Pad? I barely remember her.
Prediction: She gets booted on the fourth episode and ends up returning to Bachelor Pad.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Q: “What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?” A: “Going on a stake-out to stalk my friend’s ex-boyfriend.” Um, what?
What a brief Google search yielded: She once sat on a couch with Sean. Sorry, spoiler alert.
Prediction: Second show exit.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Age says 26, face says 32.
What a brief Google search yielded: Nothing.
Prediction: Fourth show, she gets the boot.
What jumped out at me from her profile: She listed Jamey Johnson and Miranda Lambert as two of her favorite musicians. I do not know who those people are.
What a brief Google search yielded: She is a Cowboys fan. (Hehe.)
Prediction: Final four. Yes, I realize I have nine women in the final four.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Says she was with a guy for around nine years but was never engaged … hmmmmmm.
What a brief Google search yielded: First runner-up for Ms. Oregon 2008.
Prediction: She doesn’t have to wait nine years to find out she isn’t going to get engaged this time.
What jumped out at me from her profile: Q: “If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?” A: “My future soul-mate! I just want to meet him already.”
What a brief Google search yielded: She cries at one point on the show.
Prediction: She marries Chris Harrison.
God, that was exhausting. Check back next week for actual analysis on these ladies, a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills update, and thoughts on Episode 2 of Buckwild. Have a good weekend.