Grantland Reality Fantasy League: Holy Moly!ABC
You know what? I’ve turned a corner. Week after week, this column is full of pun jokes, insults about physical appearances, and catty comments about the idiocy of the imbeciles of reality TV. I’ve had enough; this week the GRTFL goes heady. I’m going to intelligently tackle the complicated issues we face as a society and go straight New Yorker in this bitch. Time to show my range. Instead of breaking down the way Selma’s boobs turned on her and tried to strangle her while she was rock climbing, I’d rather address the complications she faces as a Muslim woman finding love in a modern American society. Instead of pointing and laughing at Yolanda for her dedication to domestic perfection, I’d rather use her marriage as a jumping-off point for an essay on how the new gender roles at home affect gender roles at the office. Oh, wait, just remembered, no I wouldn’t. Why fix what isn’t broke? Let’s make fun of these assholes …
Tierra (Bachelor, Jacoby), 20 points: Tierra is constantly holding the proverbial hara-kiri sword to her heart, so Sean the Boring Bachelor is forced to come to her aid. Two weeks ago, Tierra faked a concussion to get Sean’s attention; this week, Tierra faked leaving the show to get Sean’s attention (15 points), and somehow next week she gets hypothermia. I fully expect that this trend will continue, and the following week she’ll be forced to go to the rose ceremony covered in pig’s blood with a stage knife sticking out of her chest. The best part about Tierra’s freakout this week is that it all stemmed from her sense of entitlement.
While Sean was headed to the hot tub to get handsy with a bikini’d Lindsay, Tierra declared through sobs (5 points), “I deserve so much more than this, Sean is a great guy, but why should I be tortured every single day? Why?” (15 points)
Why should you be tortured, Tierra? Why should you be competing for a man with 25 other girls? Why should you be on a group date? Why should you have to wait while Sean spends time with another girl? Oh, wait, I know why: BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR. Anyway, her little freakout succeeded in making Sean smooch her off the suicide cliff (5 points) and making every girl in the house want to punch her in the neck. Next week, we get the hypothermia:
Kim (Real Housewives, Jacoby), 30 points: This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Kim detailed a conversation with her plastic surgeon that was so Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-y I had to watch it four times to make sure I didn’t hallucinate it:
“I look myself in the mirror sometimes, and I feel like there are all these changes going on inside my body and outside and all around my life, and I decided to see my doctor. First I asked him to [pulls skin back from face] and he said, “I just, I can’t.” And I said, “Can you do something — what about just the eyes?” and he said, “It’s just, it’s not right,” and I said hmmmmm, “What about my nose?” and he said … “nose I could do.” (30 points)
She’s like a drunk who got cut off arguing with the bartender for one more beer. It’s so Real Housewives of Beverly Hills–y, I can’t take it. Oh, yeah, one more thing was super Real Housewives of Beverly Hills–y: Kim was talking with someone in her house whose lower third read, “Milton: Houseman.” HOUSEMAN!
The cast of Buckwild (Buckwild, Various GRTFL Teams), ?? points: I missed the show this week ’cause I’m at the Super Bowl, but I’m sure it involved driving a truck through mud and domestic beer cans in koozies. Lots of domestic beer cans in koozies.
Yolanda (Housewives, Connor), 6 points: “I absolutely cater to my husband. He is the king of the house; that is the way it should be, and that is what keeps two people together.” Oh, Yolanda, keeping the family together by catering to your husband. She then went on to explain, “Most of my friends have been divorced at some point in their lives, like Heidi and Seal (2 + 4 = 6 points). I mean, it’s heartbreaking, and [I’m] 95 percent for sure this is it for the both of us.” I love “95 percent for sure that this is it for both of us.” Imagine if your spouse said to you, “You know what, I love you and everything but there is a good 5 percent chance I leave you down the road. What? Don’t cry, 5 percent is pretty low.”
Sarah (Bachelor, Simmons), 5 points: OK, buckle up; it’s about to get dicey. You see, there’s a woman with one arm vying to be Sean the Boring Bachelor’s eternal snuggle-buddy. Yes, one arm. Said woman was partaking in the roller-derby group date and guess what? Learning to roller skate is hard with one arm. You fall down a lot. Not only do you fall down a lot, but when you fall, you have only one arm to break your fall, and you land on your hip:
Now watching a one-armed woman awkwardly fall down over and over on television will teach you a lot about yourself; here’s the evolution of my emotional response:
Phase 1: HA! People falling down are funny. One-armed people falling down are even funnier.
Phase 2: Ooh. That looked like it hurt. This isn’t so funny anymore.
Phase 3: Why was I laughing at this poor girl? What type of person am I? She didn’t ask to be born with one arm; who makes fun of someone with a disability? I hate myself.
Phase 4: Why am I watching this again? Why am I still laughing? Oh, no, now she’s crying. (5 points) I hate myself even more now. When did I become a soulless monster? I need therapy or pills or something.
Amanda (Bachelor, Jacoby), 5 points: Amanda fell on her face and cried (5 points) during the roller-derby thing, but I felt fine laughing at her because, you know, she has two arms.
AshLee, Robyn, and Catherine (Bachelor, Various GRTFL Teams), 5 points: All three of these ladies sucked a little face with Sean the Boring Bachelor during the cocktail party (5 points) but only Robyn managed to work in a terrible pickup line, a pun joke, a prop joke, and a hint of racism by asking, “Do you want to taste the chocolate?”
… And then she leaned in for a kiss. I could write another 2,000 words on this moment, but it would just get cut by the editors, so why bother? So square, these super-smart editor types are. [It’s OK, Jacoby. Next time we’ll just let you get burned alive by a mob. Kisses — Your Loving Editors]
Selma (Bachelor, Lisanti), -10 points: “I was born in Baghdad, Iraq, as a Muslim, and, you know, in my culture, it is so strict, we barely even date in public. So to kiss somebody on national television? I think my mom would literally have a heart attack.” Wait, there’s a chick who went on The Bachelor to find her husband but won’t kiss him (-20 points)? How does she expect to … oh, wait, I know what’s happening here! She’s double-dicing him! She’s going with the old, “I will never kiss you” just so when she does eventually kiss him, it will be more meaningful. Crafty.
I’m guaranteeing now that before she’s sent off in the limousine of despair she will kiss him on TV to the horror of her mother. Also, I’m sure that a mother who would have a heart attack if she saw her daughter kiss some dude on TV isn’t too jazzed about the fact that she’s already talking about having his babies after one date. (10 points)
Oh, and on the date, she kept doing this weird lean on Sean:
Doesn’t that look super uncomfortable? GRTFL Super Scorer Caitlin Mangum (@Caitlinmangum) asked, “Why does Selma keep lying all over Sean like she has no ligaments?” When I get hired by Bunim/Murray, Caitlin is totally taking over this column.
Leslie H. (Bachelor, Connor), -40 points: Leslie was basically called a prostitute and dumped this week. When the producers were planning her one-on-one date, I promise you this is how it went:
Producer 1: “We have to plan a date for Leslie, but I don’t have any ideas.”
Producer 2: “Yeah, what do we know about her?”
Producer 1: “Well, we know she has a gigantic mouth.”
Producer 2: “Who else has a gigantic mouth?”
Producer 1: “Julia Roberts.”
Producer 2: “That’s it. Let’s make her the prostitute in a Pretty Woman themed date.”
Producer 1: “Done.”
On the actual date, Sean the Boring Bachelor didn’t give her a rose, and she was sent home in tears (10 – 20 – 40 + 10 = -40 points). I can’t confirm it, but I’m pretty sure he sent her home because she said “Holy moly” three times. Who says “holy moly”?