Grantland Reality Fantasy League: Attack of the Mythical Buddhist Demon-Creature Kendra!

A stellar Real World relapse and Real Housewives rendezvous made up for what was a snoozy Bachelor Pad this week. With Survivor, Basketball Wives of L.A., and The Challenge set to debut in mere weeks, I’m happily surprised to see the summer crop is still harvesting well. Anyway, the top scorers:

Top Scorers:

Brandon (Real World, Kang), 22 points: This week on Real World, Brandon was attacked by the daughter of the Buddhist demon Mara. No, like, for real. For those not following, let me pull your coat to this whole Mara fella.

There are varying accounts of the story, but here are some basics: around 653 BC there was a dude named Siddhartha Gautama, and he was super chill. Like suuuuuuuper chill. He made Snoop Lion look like Ramona from Housewives. He was doing his chill thing, you know, meditating and stuff, when this demon cat named Mara sent his gorgeous daughters down to tempt Siddhartha Gautama out of his meditation. It didn’t work, ol’ Sid just blew them chicks off, kept on meditating, did a ton of rad other stuff, and eventually turned into Siddhartha Gautama Buddha, you know, the guy that you see in statues all time.

Brandon’s story is a little, well, different.

Brandon hasn’t been intensely meditating but he has certainly cleaned up his act of late. After starting the season as the inslopsicated, morning-drinking, terrible-dressing trouble child of the house, he gave up booze and became a mentorish, moral-compassy fella advising his roommates through their troubles. The Buddhist demon Mara must have heard him tell his friend on the phone, “I’m just not attracted to anyone on this island, I like bad girls,” sensed his weakness, and sent his tempting daughter “Kendra” to cause his ruin. You can tell that “Kendra” is the daughter of a demon god because no actual human would have spoken to a recovering alcoholic the way that she did. I mean, who meets someone at a bar, learns that they had a problem with the ol’ sauce, and then say to them … uh-oh, I think we’re going to have to go to the GRTFL top five for this.

This week’s GRTFL top five is the Top Five Quotes That Demonic Mythical Creature “Kendra” Said to Recovering Alcoholic Brandon That Prove She Is a Demonic Mythical Creature. They are listed from “No biggie, she’s just looking for a good time,” to “Whoa, now I have proof demons exist, space and time no longer have meaning.”

5. Kendra: “You’re fun. I would love to get you drunk. You seem like you’d be fun.”
Was It Mythical Demonic Creature-ish?: More “party girl” than mythical demonic creature.

4. Kendra: “I’m gonna get you drunk.”
Brandon: “My roommates are going to kill me.”
Kendra: “No one is going to kill you, you’re a grown-ass man, you can do what you want.”
Was It Mythical Demonic Creature-ish?: Oh yeah. Offering a recovering alcoholic a drink is one thing, but using the whole “are you man enough?” angle to pressure them into it? Pretty demonic creature-ish if you ask me.

3. Kendra: [staring at him taking his first sip and smiling] “Brandon having his first drink in a whiiiiiiiiiiiile … ” (9 intoxication points)
Was It Mythical Demonic Creature-ish?: Um, only about 75 percent. You really had to hear her say/sing it to appreciate its demonicness.

2. Kendra: “Take a shot.”
Brandon: “We don’t have any rum.”
Kendra: “I didn’t say anything about rum.”
Was It Mythical Demonic Creature-ish?: Uhhh. Yeah.

1. Kendra: “Anyway, rum, ruuuuuuuuuum, and some more ruuuuuuuuuum, lets go.”
Was It Mythical Demonic Creature-ish?: Her voice changed, she started speaking in ancient languages, made out with him (5 points), grew wings, and flew away laughing while pouring scotch down his throat and ascending into the sky. So yeah, it was mythical demonic creature-ish, all right.

After his visit from “Kendra,” Brandon announced, “I am at the point where it’s really hard to be sober. Sober sucks,” and then went on a bender (8 intoxication points). And as if Mara’s demonic daughter “Kendra” didn’t do enough damage, the next episode he is being interviewed by a producer, and you hear the producer ask, “Any reason there is coke in your system?” Brandon is the first pick in the draft that panned out exactly how you hoped he would. He is the LeBron James of the GRTFL.

Rachel (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 20 points: Rachel, stop crying already. Four times in one episode (20 points)? Did you know the dude that you are all in love with and sobby-faced about was totally dating someone else the whole time. And by “totally dating someone else” I mean “said to be dating someone else the whole time by a man named ‘Reality Steve’ who obsessively covers The Bachelor franchise on the Internet.” Total weirdo, right?

Sonja (Real Housewives of New York City, Kang), 15 points: This episode the ladies each packed four huge suitcases, piled into a tiny plane, and headed down to St. Bart’s to rest, relax, guzzle enough booze to fill an Olympic pool (10 points), and argue about nonexistent toaster ovens (5 points). While down in the Caribbean, they encounter a strange creature. There was a French fella named Thomas (of course, pronounced “Toe Moss”) lurking there, who was one part homeless dude, one part gigolo, and two parts Johnny Depp impersonator. This dude REALLY looks like Johnny Depp:

Thomas’s official role was Rich People Nightclub Fun Coordinator. He spent the night getting the ladies shots, flirting with them, dressing them up like pirate whores, and making them dance on tables like strippers. Needless to say, they all had the time of their lives. They ate Thomas’s mascaraed, accented, leather-vested, Johnny Depp party boy swag right up. As the evening progressed and various ladies began to make the stumbling trip from the club back to the house in small groups, one stayed behind, LuAnn, “The Countess,” who is in a serious relationship with a different Frenchie named Jacques. Apparently LuAnn not only out-partied her cast mates she out-partied the crew as well. There was no audio or photographic evidence of her arrival back at the house, which is too bad because she arrived with “Toe Moss” in tow.

The next morning, still semi-slammered, LuAnn tried to play it off by saying that she was with a group of “Italian friends,” but when she came home she was, you know, speaking French to some dude who looked just like Johnny Depp in front of he whole cast. Some of the ladies questioned LuAnn’s commitment to her boyfriend Jacques, but they are totally missing the point, the person that needs questioning is “Toe Moss”:

Dear Toe Moss,

When did you stop fighting it and just say, “Screw it, everyone says I look like Johnny Depp, I might as well own it?” Why St. Bart’s of all places? Have you ever auditioned for a role as Johnny Depp? Don’t you think the mascara is enough? Is the pirate hat really necessary? Or did we just catch you on Captain Jack Sparrow Night and tomorrow you will paint your face white and attach blades to your fingers? When people ask you what you do for a living, do you play it up and be all, “Nightclub VIP Concierge” or level with people and say, “Dress up like Johnny Depp and fuck middle-aged, annoying rich American women who are so drunk they don’t care I’m not really Johnny Depp?” Did you just fool all of us and are actually Johnny Depp making a meta Bravo appearance on some James Franco shit? If you’re in L.A., will you have a beer with me so we can discuss this? Please?

Love,

Jacoby

Chris and Sarah (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti and Connor), 10 points: A few years ago when MTV’s The Challenge had their first spelling bee, it must have been one of those “how dumb are we that we never thought of this before?” moments, like when the first dude (or dudette) put wheels on suitcases. Reality show cast members + spelling bee = hilarious. This equation was not lost on the Bachelor Pad producers, as they employed a spelling bee of their own this week to embarrass the s-h-i-t out of their cast. It succeeded. Ever since I publicly hazed The Challenge cast on the B.S. Report a few years ago, I have made it a tradition to pause the TV and attempt to spell the words in the spelling bee to see how I match up against the great minds on my boob tube. I’m not going to lie, it makes me super nervous every time. Spelling isn’t exactly my thing. [Ed note: Agreed.] This version of the spelling bee challenge was even harder; couples were forced to alternate letters with each other whilst spelling out the words, so I had to employ my wife as a partner. Yes, I am already making excuses, here are some of the results:

Word: Jewelry
Bachelor Pad Idiots Kalon and Lindzi: Got it wrong
Team Jacoby: Got it right (wasn’t easy though)

Word: Elimination
Bachelor Pad Idiots Kalon and Lindzi: Got it wrong
Team Jacoby: Got it right (that one actually was easy)

Word: Aphrodisiac
Bachelor Pad Idiots Ed and Jaclyn: Got it wrong
Team Jacoby: Got it right (barely)

Word: Boutonniere
Bachelor Pad Idiots Ed and Jaclyn: Got it wrong
Team Jacoby: Got it wronger (seriously, no one can spell this, no one)

Word: Entrepreneur
Bachelor Pad Idiots: Got it wrong
Team Jacoby: Got it wrong (not looking good for us at this point …)

Word: Soiree
Bachelor Pad Idiots: Got it wrong
Team Jacoby: Got it right (why are all the words French?)

Word: Lascivious
Bachelor Pad Idiots: Got it wrong
Team Jacoby: Got it right (but only because my wife had the hard letters)

Look, just because I can barely spell better than they can doesn’t mean I am going to stop calling them morons. Anyway, Chris and Sarah won this challenge and a date on which they made out a ton (10 points). True story, in that last sentence I just noticed some red squiggly lines indicating that I spelled “challenge” wrong. Maybe I should stop calling them morons. Just sayin’.

Blakeley (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 10 points: Blakeley sucked face with Tony (5 points) and started crying because Chris won the challenge (5 points). Her intense emotional focus on Chris (the guy that she “hates”) and apathy toward Tony (the guy that she “likes”) proves that Darth Vader was right, there is more strength on the dark side of the force.

Marie (Real World, Simmons), 10 points:
Marie The International Heineken Smuggler [Ed Note: Jacoby spelled that last word "smugler"] got in a quick verbal fight (5 points) and sympathy-snogged Rob With Two Bs this week (5 points). Her relationship with Rob With Two Bs is one of those train wrecks where one party is so much more into the other you you stop feeling bad for the person who is getting played and start getting mad at them. This week, Marie offered, “He is so, like, care bear. It’s almost like sometimes I want him to tell me to shut up.” Hey, Marie: Shut up.

Jaclyn (Bachelor Pad, Jaclyn), 10 points: Real World isn’t the only show sporting a one-sided romantic relationship. Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape has been coitusing Jaclyn routinely this season, but has very different feelings about the whole deal than Jaclyn does. Such different feelings about it that it led to an argument (5 points) and our second GRTFL top five of the week. This top five is the Top Five Most Depressing Things that Jaclyn Said About Her Acceptance of the Romantic Discrepancies in her Relationship With Ed listed from “we’ve all been there once or twice” to “I hope she doesn’t cry herself to death:”

5. “I trust him with everything and I like waking up next to him, so it is what it is.” (You deserve better, girl.)
4. “Why is he acting like such a douche? Why is he acting this way? I just can’t live without him and I just can’t help myself.” (Oh no, this is not trending well.)
3. “I am definitely scared to like Ed, I mean, I just don’t like to put myself out there because I have been burned a lot on the past.” (You know what? Maybe he isn’t right for you. Just a hunch. And by a hunch I mean, “The way he keeps telling you he isn’t into you.”)
2. “I am scared of heartbreak and I am scared of rejection, I hate it, it makes me nervous, it gives me anxiety. I am having a panic attack right now.” (I think you should see a professional. Have you tried Xanax? Acupuncture? Shopping?)
1. (Now intensely crying) “I am an emotional person and I honestly don’t feel like I can recover from this (5 points).” (Are you talking about Ed or the fact that you can’t spell boutonniere? I totally feel you on that boutonniere thing if that’s what you’re talking about.)

Ed (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby), 5 points: During the argument with Jaclyn, Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape gave the male species the following course in sensitivity training:

Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape: “I feel like this is a Facebook status thing, am I in a relationship or not? We’re in the Bachelor Pad house! Are we in a relationship? Are we a couple? Or are we a team? Why make that distinction, it is so stupid, it is childish, it really is.”
Jaclyn: “You are making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit. I don’t want to look like a whore.”
Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape: “I don’t want to look like an asshole.”

Even more proof that Ed is an ancient beach-bound ape still developing into a full-blown human being.

Trey and Laura (Real World, Simmons and Lisanti), 5 points: Trey and Laura made out (5 points) and did that disgusting baby-voiced flirting thing that is so gross it makes you wish you could eat your own eyeballs out of their sockets just to make it stop.

Robb (Real World, Connor), 5 points: Rob With Two Bs ended the episode making out with Marie (5 points) but only after getting herbed by her and making statements like, “You know what was really weird? Last night at Bamboo you were really nice to me out of nowhere.” Poor kid.

Heather and Ramona (Real Housewives of New York City, Lisanti and House), 5 points: Heather got into a verbal fight with Ramona about Sonja’s nonexistent toaster oven. I can’t tell who deserves a spinoff reality show more, the nonexistent toaster oven or Thomas the Johnny Depp gigolo guy. Oh wait, yes I do, the nonexistent toaster oven. Doi.

Lindzi (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 5 points: Lindzi Who Wears Too Much Makeup cried when she was voted off this week (5 points) and I was sad to see her go because I totally forgot that 9 months ago I named her Lindzi Who Wears Too Much Makeup and now she’s gone forever. Shit.

Tony (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 5 points: Tony got it in with Blakeley this episode (5 points) and his hot-pink button-down shirt and black party vest ensemble from the rose ceremony …

…which prompted Lisanti to declare, “What was up with Tony’s outfit? You could do the whole column on that alone.” Sorry Lisanti, I can’t, nothing I could muster would be better than the text Bill sent me, “Why is Tony dressed like Brian Boitano?”

Make sure you check back for the column next Friday. You won’t want to miss how Brandon explains how the coke was in his system. I hope he goes with, “It was given to me by the demonic daughters of Mara. Those chicks know how to party.” Enjoy the weekend.

Filed Under: ABC, Bachelor Pad, Bravo, Mtv, Real Housewives, Real World, Reality Television, Reality TV Fantasy League, The Decline of American Civilization

Jacoby

David Jacoby is an ESPN producer who somehow became a writer and editor for Grantland.

Archive @ djacoby