Grantland Reality Fantasy League: Alcoholic Aquatic Apes

ABC/MATT BROWN

It was a tension-filled week in reality TV, one that really tested the emotional fortitude of our favorite GRTFL cast members. And guess what? Our favorite GRTFL cast members’ collective emotional fortitude failed with flying colors! Laura on Real World broke down, Housewives’ Heather and Sonja had their third and fourth meeting/argument about Sonja’s logo, and Ed, Bachelor Pad’s Village Drunk, well, he just lost faith in humanity. It’s OK, though; he may or may not be human himself. Allow me to explain:

Top Scorers:

Ed (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby) 45 points: Ed has easily been the Bachelor Pad MVP this season. The first couple hours he was in the house he got inslopsicated, naked, jumped in the hot tub and stayed there for the rest of the episode. At first I thought to myself, “Wow, this guy really has a drinking problem and sure relishes a dip in the ol’ tub.” But as episode after episode passed, and he kept repeating his naked, boozy, hot tub triple-shot of glory, I started to question whether this behavior is something that he chooses to do or something that he needs to do.

Buckle up: I have a theory.

Science would have you believe that humans evolved from ancient apes. Land apes. Ed is proof that this may not be true. Before you get all “that is total bullshit, Jacoby” on me, remember: People used to think that the world was flat, the sun orbited the earth, and tribal tattoos were a good look. Not everything you know to be an absolute truth is an absolute truth.

Now, back to Ed. My theory is that Ed is what is known in (super-shady and extremely wrong) scientific circles as an “aquatic ape.” The Aquatic Ape Theory posits that we lived by water for hundreds of thousands of years and that’s why we evolved differently than other apes — this is supposed to explain why we have little body hair, for example. Starting to make sense, huh? Well, Ed the Aquatic Ape isn’t as evolved as the rest of us — he’s basically a dolphin/human hybrid. The reason Ed is always in the hot tub naked is because, like a dolphin, he will overheat if he is out of the water for too long. The reason he is drunk all the time is because he isn’t a fully developed human and, like the vervet monkeys of the Caribbean, has developed a taste for alcohol that he can’t kick. So, in summary, there is a guy named Ed on Bachelor Pad who proves that at one point all of our ancestors were dolphins. Take that, Darwin!

Anyway, Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape had quite a week. He had a fight with Reid (5 points) and started off the show threatening to leave (15 points), explaining, “Do you really like this? People are, like, flat-out, like, lying. I don’t like this. I can’t do that. So I really don’t think I can compete.” A fully evolved human would not be the least bit shocked that people are “like, flat-out lying” on a reality TV show … but an alcoholic aquatic ape doesn’t have the brain power to understand it! Can’t blame the guy, it’s not his fault he’s an ancient human/dolphin! He stayed on the show, and thank god, because his performance in the challenge this week was legendary. I am going to let Bachelor Pad host Chris Harrison explain the challenge to you:

“You will wade through a vat of ice cream. Then you will crawl out of the ice cream and go down on the other side a slide covered in hot fudge. Then you will crab-crawl through the field of whipped cream. You will then get in a sack. Dump five scoops of nuts on your head. Then, STILL IN YOUR NUT SACK, you will hop to the end of the course, tagging your partner.”

Saying “nut sack” on prime-time network TV with a straight face is unfathomable. The man is a machine. Anyway, Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape was the first to attempt the climb up the hot fudge hill, and struggled as the rest of the field passed him. (More proof he’s a sea creature!) Of this experience he exclaimed, “This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Dude, I have seen seven worse things happen to you this episode.

Upon returning to the house, Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape immediately jumped in the hot tub (obviously) and began a carnal, animalistic search for a mate. Jaclyn was more than happy to coitus Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape (25 points), and he led her to his mating lair from his hot tub home thusly:

Now ask yourself: Does that look like the seduction technique of a modern human being or a drunken, prehistoric dolphin/human? Case closed. We were all once dolphins. Let’s move on.

Jaclyn (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby) 30 points: Jaclyn cried (5 points) and scored with Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape (25 points), during which this happened:

Jaclyn: “Where is it?”
Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape: “I don’t have any underwear on, so … “
Jaclyn: “I see it.”
Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape: “What are you going to do with it?”
(Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape does his signature climactic coital call, the one that sounds like Lil’ Jon and Chewbacca both stubbing their toe at the exact same time.)

Sonja (Real Housewives of New York City, Kang), 15 points: This week on Real Housewives of New York City, Sonja got slammered (10 points), cried (5 points), and was part of one of the most embarrassing, ignorant, and insensitive conversations that has ever aired on this show.

Actually, that probably isn’t true. I wouldn’t know, I really just half-watch this one — but I did catch this cringey exchange:

Sonja (to LuAnn): “Is your mom the Indian side or your dad?”
Ramona: “No, they both were.”
Sonja: “My favorite moment was when I told Ramona that LuAnn is an aborigine. It just sounds so good, you know? It’s like, what is an aborigine? We had to go Google it.”
LuAnn: “Since Columbus came, it has been ‘American Indian.’”
Ramona: “Aborigines are in Australia.”
LuAnn: “Yeah, but there are aborigines in Canada as well.”
Carole: “I think they’re called ‘First Nations’ in Canada.”
LuAnn: “My father said American Indian.”
Carole: “They don’t say American Indian, LuAnn.”
LuAnn: “American Indian.”
Carole: “Anyone over third grade knows not to say ‘Indian.’”
LuAnn: [Does that super-racist hand-over-the-mouth Native American call] “Careful for your scalp, baby!”

This whole thing is so soaked in wrong sauce I’m not even going to comment.

Marie (Real World, Simmons), 11 points: “I think Trey is grimy and I think he is sleazy and I don’t respect him when it comes to women.” Marie does not mince words when it comes to how she feels about her roommate Trey and his relationship with her other roommate Laura while he is still maintaining a “girl back home!” She normally keeps her thoughts to herself, but after a couple dozen shots of truth serum (6 intoxication points) she had an argument with roommate Swifty (5 points), which led to her writing a letter of apology that read, “I was highly intoxicated last night and I apologize. It is none of my business what u do or don’t do with guys, I really am sorry and hope you can forgive me.”

Few things about this: (1) Unpopular opinion alert: Alcohol is never an excuse for your behavior, (2) If I am stranded on an island with you, just talk to me. No need to put pen to paper, and (3) If you do take the time to find pen and paper and write me an apology letter, it better be longer than two sentences.

These are just a couple things to keep in mind in case we are ever stranded on an island and you want to apologize to me. Also, I hope we get MTV, VH1, Bravo, and Spotify on this island or there is going to be very little to talk about.

Rachel (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 10 points: Now is the point on Bachelor Pad where everyone is coupling up, and Rachel the One Who I Haven’t Figured Out What Is Crazy About Her is with Stags. She makes out with him and then breaks down: “I just, I don’t want to be heartbroken again. I have been heartbroken in the past and it is horrible and this reminds me of it. I just don’t want it to end that way. [Sobs.] I don’t know why I am being so pessimistic.” Thanks, Rachel! I just figured out your brand of crazy! Time to move on.

Jamie (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti) 10 points: Jamie’s crazy is not hard to identify — it’s all out there in the open, tap dancing in circles around her everywhere she goes. This week’s GRTFL Top Five is the top five things that Jamie said that made you question whether she was mentally fit to be televised listed from “look, we’re all a little strange, no biggie” to “we should make sure to keep some of her DNA after she dies to test whether insanity is contagious”:

1. Scenario: Jamie is at a fake prom with a man she isn’t interested in.
Quote: “I didn’t get to go to my senior prom because that was when my mom would start to disappear for like a weekend or something. Silly things like this remind me of times like that. [Crying, wiping away tears.] I’m having a good time, though.”
Score on the 1-10 Crazy Scale: 4. You can’t blame a girl for having an unstable upbringing. Totally excusable.

2. Scenario: She’s doing an interview for a reality TV show where people cover themselves in hot fudge, get in a “nut sack,” and look for love.
Quote: “I’m, like, a sucker for love. To fall in love on the show would be so amazing. I want to fall in love on TV and show my kids … show all of America.”
Score on the 1-10 Crazy Scale: 7. Anyone who thinks going on a network television show is the only way to document the courtship process has to be a little nuts. Has she not heard of, ya know, a camera phone?

3. Scenario: Jamie approaches her crush, Chris the Terrible Dancer, while he is in bed.
Conversation:

Jamie: “Are you playing hard to get?”
Chris the Terrible Dancer: “No, I’m not. Swear to god.”
Jamie: “Then what is it?”
Chris the Terrible Dancer: “It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just that, ya know.”

Score on the 1-10 Crazy Scale: 8. When you ask, “Are you playing hard to get?” and the answer is “no,” that means they are playing impossible to get and you should back off.

Scenario: Jamie in an interview after Chris the Terrible Dancer dropped the “It’s not you, it’s me” on her.
Quote: “What the heck? You know that’s unfortunate. So really, I mean, you know, I could have made it happen. I mean, that is what I have done my whole life is make things happen and I just want to be like, bleep you, you’re not the right person for me, ya know. Obviously, I am a little, ya know, awkward in dating because I can’t trust people. I REALLY WANT … I REALLY WANT A FAMILY, YA KNOW, TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH. That would just be nice.”
Score on the 1-10 Crazy Scale: Zero. (I only wrote zero because she is crazy enough to read this, find out where I live, turn me into a voodoo zombie, and keep me in her basement.)

Scenario: Jamie is at the altar, holding Chris the Terrible Dancer’s severed head at eye- level, pleading her case to the priest.
Quote: “You are going to marry the two of us, you bastard, or I will behead you too! I don’t care if he has no body, THIS IS MY HUSBAAAAAAAAAAAAND!”
Score on the 1-10 Crazy Scale: I made that one up; didn’t have a fifth, and “GRTFL Top Four” just doesn’t have the same pop. My apologies.

Laura (Real World, Lisanti), 9 points: Laura is two different people. When she is with Trey — her boyfriend-that-has-another-girlfriend — she is a lovesick puppy who follows him around and plucks his back hairs out. When she is without Trey she is a dancing, flirting, slammereding (9 points) fool ready to take on all comers. While she was in her dancey, flirty, slammeredy state she met a Lax Bro and got his number. When she returned to Trey and morphed back into a lovesick, back-hair-plucking, puppy-dog girl, Trey accused her of being drunk and she did the drunken “I’m not drunk” thing.

There is nothing worse than the drunken “I’m not drunk” type of drunk. We all know those people. I feel like carrying a breathalyzer around 24/7 just so I can never have the “You’re drunk, dude,” “No I’m not, I’m fine” conversation ever again. Anyway, Trey, the guy who may or may not have a pregnant “girl back home,” got all jealous and went out to meet Laura at the club after she was already in her full-on dancey, flirty, slammered-y mode. Seeing her with the Lax Bro he got all jealous and did the whole “I’m going to bleep him up, for serious, I am going to bleep him up” thing while he was walking away from the guy. What ensued was Trey and Laura arguing about their relationship or something. I’m not really sure. I spent the rest of the episode rooting for Brandon the Alcoholic to fall off the wagon and evaluating whether that makes me a terrible person.

It does. I’m a dick.

Trey (Real World, Simmons), 8 points: Trey was inslopsicated this episode (8 points) and had this exchange with Laura:

Laura: “Stop. Or you are going to make me horny?”
Trey: “No, I’m done. I’m tired.”
Laura: “Oh my gosh, that means you will last for like two hours.”
Trey: “I can’t right now.”
Laura: “No, but we have to.”
Trey: “No. [turns to camera] Don’t judge me.”

Sorry, Broseph, judging you.

LuAnn (Real Housewives of New York City, Jacoby), 5 points: LuAnn got into an argument with Ramona (5 points) and is one of the three cast members of this show who has slept with Aviva’s ex-husband, Harry. This week we met Harry when Aviva was dropping off their son and Harry was working on his new project, Poopy the Pig:

I’ll let Aviva explain: “Harry’s background is in real estate and I think that Harry wants to explore his own creative juices. So he has created this animated figure called Poopy the Pig and I think that he is hoping it becomes an app.”

Now, I was full-on fired up to make fun of how dumb an animated pig named Poopy the Pig with magical dancing butt cheeks was until I realized, THIS IS FUCKING GENIUS. Anyone who has spent a half-hour with a child between the ages of 3 and 6 knows that the word “poop” is like their heroin. They can’t get enough of it. Add an animated farm animal into the mix and you have a gold mine. In 15 years, Harry is going to have a mansion in St. Tropez with a golden gate with “The House That Poopy Built” encrusted in diamonds on it. I have already preordered the farting Poopy the Pig farting doll for my unborn child. You should too.

Ramona (Real Housewives of New York City, House), 5 points: Ramona in the middle of a fight with LuAnn (5 points): “The fact that I am not, like, screaming and throwing the wine in your face is a different Ramona.” Ramona, you haven’t matured, you have just become more attached to your wine.

Stags (Bachelor Pad, House) 5 points: Stags made out with Rachel (5 points), but who cares? He released a fucking music video! And is, like, serious in it. It’s fantastic/awful. The song is all about staying strong, giving your all, and getting broken up with and stuff. It is totally one of those songs that they are going to play after Trey finally breaks up with Laura under a shot of her wiping her tears away and tearing up a picture of the two of them scuba diving.

Reid (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby), 5 points: Reid got into an argument with Ed the Alcoholic Aquatic Ape (5 points) and got voted off. His parting shot: “I definitely feel like a pretty big loser right now. The Bachelor Pad is a sick deceptive place.” Yes, Reid, yes it is.

Nick and Donna (Bachelor Pad, Connor and Simmons), 5 points: Donna cracks me up; I’m really going to miss her. Not only does she prance around in an omnipresent bikini, she says things like, “Everyone is getting action but me, and that is not how it usually goes down. I cannot leave the Bachelor Pad and not hook up with someone. That would be crazy.” She then immediately makes out with Nick, the guy who hasn’t said a word the whole season. Nick is either the smartest or the dumbest person on this show, which would normally be saying something — but in this case, I feel like the range in intelligence between those two distinctions is negligible.

Sarah (Bachelor Pad, Connor), 5 points: Sarah (through tears) (5 points) on her chances with Ed: “There is some potential for something long-term to happen, but I think I ruined the chances of that ever happening. He must look at me like, ‘Oh god, who did I hook up with?’ It makes me feel like a really terrible person.” If it makes you feel any better, Sarah, he is a prehistoric, alcoholic aquatic ape and doesn’t have a memory. No biggie, girl.

Filed Under: ABC, Bachelor Pad, Bravo, Mtv, Real Housewives of New York, Reality TV, Reality TV Fantasy League, The Real World

Jacoby

David Jacoby is an ESPN producer who somehow became a writer and editor for Grantland.

Archive @ djacoby

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