Grading This Week’s U.K. Singles Chart
1. Professor Green feat. Emeli Sande, “Read All About It”
Ever wish somebody would combine the elevator-hip-hop of B.O.B.’s “Airplanes” with the angry-dad-yelling-at-you-to-clean-your-room lyrical stylings of Eminem’s “Love The Way You Lie” and melt down any hard edges until it sounds somefing loike the Black Eyed Mushy Peas? Yeah, me neither. Hackney-born rapper Professor Green tosses in Scottish R&B chanteuse Emeli Sandé and caramelizes it all down into an inspirational lite-rap melange that makes Drake sound like Scarface in comparison.
Best YouTube Comment: “Makes want to start BAWLING this EPIC TUNE don’t you dare compare him to someone aCOMPLETELEY different” —dandamankevin
2. Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris, “We Found Love”
Presumably Brits love this song because of Calvin Harris and its U.K. rave culture-themed video and not just because Rihanna is an unstoppable force of sexual-musical world domination.
Best YouTube Comment: “I don’t get the british accent in the beginning.. just saying” — TruthDream
3. Labrinth feat. Tinie Tempah, “Earthquake”
Proof That Dubstep Is “Over”: a1) Watch The Throne and its baroque dub-step breakdowns; a2) Madonna-step and Britney-step; a3) the fact that it is now a longer-than- ten-year-old “trend”; a4) Brostep. Proof That Dubstep Is Not “Over”: b1) Mary Anne Hobbs; b2) when scenes fracture or explode they beget their own counter-scenes; b3) Ten years of a novelty microtrend? It might just be here to stay; b4) wobble wobble wobble womp womp womp womp womp womp.
Best YouTube Comment: “that sound remind me to the dentist” —pulpfiction57
4. Cher Lloyd feat. Mike Posner, “With Ur Love”
Like many of the U.K.’s most beloved pop stars (example: Robbie Williams) Cher Lloyd is a culture-bound syndrome. The X Factor runner-up is known for her chav style, her resemblance to X Factor judge/Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, and how cute/mortifying it was when she did “Hard Knock Life” on reality TV and rapped the verses. This is better than her previous song “Swagger Jagger” but that is not saying much. Cher Lloyd = Amy Winehouse x Jordin Sparks x Rihanna x Selena Gomez /Kreayshawn + Hilary Duff. Mike Posner is taking this whole nerds-in-rap trend too seriously. Rap is supposed to weed out herbs like Mike Posner! Luckily no one in America will ever hear this song. Until now…
Best YouTube Comment: “THE PERSON IM SITTING NEXT TO IS A SILLY WILLY” —crunchiexox
5. Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera, “Moves Like Jagger”
Speaking of swagger jaguars, fuuuuuuck this soooooong. This is 2011’s “I Got A Feeling” earworm that burrows into your brain cavity and eats all the available space. It’s totally bouncy without any discernible real funk. Blank-eyed soul?
Best YouTube Comment: “This song is a tribute a great Mike Jagger to their music and his time, long life Sir, Mike Jagger” —southamerican888
6. Ed Sheeran, “Lego House”
The video starring Harry Potter‘s Ron Weasley, English alt-ginger Rupert Grint, as a stalker hunting down fellow super-ginger Ed Sheeran adds a lot of much-needed edge to this treacly adult contemporary jam. Perhaps this is the anthem for disenfranchised male gingers aching for representation since they were last depicted as the heroes of MIA’s “Born Free.” Hearing that the sperm banks don’t want your ginger sperm is reason to strum a sad anthem about lego houses.
Best YouTube Comment: “a ginger aspiring to be a ginger = gingerception” —graphiix3D
7. LMFAO, “Sexy And I Know It”
Theoretical Evolution of Party-Rock: Party-Rock (2011), Post-Party-Rock (2012), Post-Punk-Party-Prison-Rock (2013), Barococo Party-Step (2014), Psycho Party-Stepabilly (2015), Repetitive Music (2016), Nu-Party-Rock (2017).
Best YouTube Comment: “my mom thought I was watching porn -_-” —stephbabeeszz
8. Charlene Soraia, “Wherever You Will Go”
This is so British. Comforting novelty singles charting around the holiday season are a U.K. tradition. This is a soft folk cover of the Calling’s vaguely religious-seeming inspirational 2001 modern-rock hit “Wherever You Will Go” that became a hit in tea-loving England after being featured in a Twinings tea commercial (sorry, ADVERT) that is Britishly equal parts creepy and cozy with an animated ginger in a boat making it through a storm to hug herself at the end. Tagline: “Get back to you”. To quote Don Draper: “What?”
Best YouTube Comment: “This is going to be my wedding song and my funeral song.” —BearOriginal
9. Kelly Clarkson, “Mr. Know It All”
AHHHHHHHH KELLYYYYYYYYYYY CLARRRRRKSONNNNNN. Ain’t it somethin’, y’all.
Best YouTube Comment: “WHAT U SCROLLING DOWN HERE FOR. U R MISSING THE MUSIC. KELLY CLARKSON = ANGEL” —diedummplumbum
10. David Guetta feat. Usher, “Without You”
The trees have spoken and it’s fall. Cut this beach-rave bullshit out. Put your heavy jackets on and fire up the wicker man. ‘Tis the season now for raves in icy forests, foggy moors, abandoned mossy castles and gold fortresses inside the moon.
Best YouTube Comment: “going to get a hair cut like usher now” —SpiritMan00