Grading the Charts … in DANCEHALL!

1. I-Octane, “Gal A Gimmi Bun”

What kind of monster would drink another man’s chilled fruit juice? That’s cold-blooded.

Grade: B+

Best YouTube Comment: “look pon who she a give him bun wid…cravin’ big belly fancy cat” — AshleyJames

 

2. Vybz Kartel, “Mr. Bleach Chin”

This is a viral promo for Vybz Kartel’s ill-advised upcoming line of skin bleaching products. Kartel has already had one failed foray into the product-licensing market with Vybz Kartel–branded condoms, which were known for breaking at crucial moments. Kartel, who is currently behind bars awaiting the outcome of his murder trial, has said that he bleached his skin for a “new image” and that skin bleaching is “tantamount to white people getting a sun tan.” Other artists such as Bounty Killer have criticized this faulty logic and accused Kartel of endorsing colorism and self-hate.

Grade: D

Best YouTube Comment: “ti is called mr. bleachin because michael lee chin is jamaica’s first recognized billionaire so because of the fact that he is a bleacher (kartel) he just created a moniker to suit his position” — RAMON2011ification

 

3. Aidonia, “Tip Pon Yuh Toe”

TEACH ME HOW TO DUTTY WINE.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “bad bad bad donia a di boss when it come on to girl song” — bookbrain4

 

4. Konshens, “Jiggle”

This extreme dancehall workout “Jiggle” session makes the erotic aerobics class–themed video for Eric Prydz’s “Call On Me” look totally tame and soft in comparison.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “jiggle 2 the fullest” — WAWERUALEX

 

5. Mavado, “Million Dollar Man”

Mavado (a.k.a Gully Gad, Star Bwoy, Real McKoy; real name David Constantine Brooks) on the Raw Cash Riddim. He played the villain in Drake’s ridiculous Jamaica-set video for “Find Your Love.”

Grade: B-

Best YouTube Comment: “i kept repeating this song like a 100 time deh tune gone big up vado ..gully side a that mi sey..” — moenjah burke

 

6. QQ, “Ghetto Gyal”

OK, this is the second time we’ve seen the move where you do a hands-free headstand and then fall all the way over (the first time is 2:11 into “Jiggle”) and it is still the single-most impressive thing I’ve ever seen.

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: “Dem gal de bad” — AngellaCampbel

 

7. RDX, “Broad Out”

In case you get tired of listening to “Bubble Butt.”

Grade: C+

Best YouTube Comment: “boy look at the couch it ugly eeee” — tamje2011

 

8. G Whizz & D’Angel, “Can’t Love You Like Me”

I’m a sucker for back-and-forth duets. This is G Whizz and D’Angel’s “Islands in the Stream.”

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: “I always love to hear d’angel songs this combination is a bom” — AnnettePinnock

 

9. Sean Paul ft. Beenie Man, “Greatest Gallis”

Nah.

Grade: D

Best YouTube Comment: “This shit is harrrrdddddddd!! zagga zow” — justin69214

 

10. RDX, “Kotch”

Wow, this new Terrence Malick movie is incredible!

Grade: A-

Best YouTube Comment: “I can’t split but I can do the other things” — tolulopeakinnibosun9

Filed Under: Grading the Charts, Music

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert

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