It’s hard to believe it’s been more than 15 years since our proud nation last took a stab at O.G. kaiju franchise Godzilla — give yourself a pat on the back, Hollywood, for a valiant show of restraint. That last attempt didn’t go so well, so perhaps it was wise for Warner Bros. to yoink it away from Sony, then take it down to the lab and class it up a bit. So slice off a hunk of that pungent Bay Area sourdough, fire up that 2001 soundtrack, and get ready to watch your favorite action heroes Juliette Binoche and David Strathairn battle everyone’s favorite nuclear metaphor without the aid of a single giant robot suit! Or wait … I guess I’m jumping to conclusions. Tell us, Legendary Pictures, what exactly is going down in 2014’s Godzilla?

An epic rebirth to Toho’s iconic Godzilla, this spectacular adventure pits the world’s most famous monster against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity’s scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

Wait a second. It sounds like Godzilla is trying to help us out, or at least fight a greater foe. Yeah, maybe our heroes aren’t trying to bring Godzilla down at all; it definitely sounds like the real enemies are these “malevolent creatures.” Hmm, what kind of creature could Godzilla face that embodies humanity’s scientific arrogance?

GOJIRA VS. HEISENBERG

2014