Freak Show & Tell: Birth Control? What Does That Mean?

Lifetime

Every week, television documentaries present us with so many unusual people, with so many strange and/or disturbing problems, you might find it hard to keep up with all of them. That’s where I come in! Here’s an unflinching look back at TV’s Week in Freak Shows.

Pretty Wicked Moms (Lifetime)

Who Is This Now? Nicole N.

Why Are We Watching Her? She’s thinking about getting pregnant.

How Did She Get Here? Apparently, focusing all of her love and energy on her shih tzu, Sommer, isn’t doing it for her anymore.

What’s the Grossest Thing We See? Nicole’s friend Emily takes her for an informational consultation with Emily’s own OB/GYN, Dr. Marcus, who asks, “Do you use anything for birth control?” Nicole: “What does that mean?” Later, Nicole describes the circumstances under which she’d prefer to become a mother: “I want the stork to bring it. It would be great. And clean, you know? Not all that stuff on it? Just a pretty baby.”

What Have We Learned? If, God forbid, this very dumb woman does end up raising a child, I pray she doesn’t homeschool it.

Watch the whole episode here.
 

Couples Therapy (VH1)

Who Is This Now? Liz.

Why Are We Watching Her? She has just confirmed that she’s pregnant.

How Did She Get Here? She thought it was a good idea to make a life with Flavor Flav; now, she has regrets.

What’s the Grossest Thing We See? Liz’s reaction to her pregnancy is hysterical sobbing, even though she’s in her second trimester, so, presumably, on some level, she did know already. Then she starts acting so strange (nodding out, slurring her words) that an ambulance is called; when EMTs arrive, she’s locked herself in her room. Did she … take something? We don’t know.

What Have We Learned? Having a child with Flavor Flav is apparently an experience Liz really doesn’t want to repeat.


 

Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas (WeTV)

Who Is This Now? Rob.

Why Are We Watching Him? He’s been relieved of his wedding ring, so he’s enjoying a wild, unencumbered evening.

How Did He Get Here? Rob and his wife, Remy, are in a couple’s counseling boot camp; the directors took his ring away temporarily as part of an exercise.

What’s the Grossest Thing We See? Rob finds a woman at the bar, tries to get her to dance with him, and eventually gives her a lap dance, and not, from what we can tell, at her request. Later, as he prepares to return to the boot camp house, the woman offers him his number and he takes it — not for himself, he later explains, but in case one of his fellow boot-camp participants decides not to stay with his wife and immediately needs another lady to keep him company.

What Have We Learned? Rob is gross, but Remy can live with it, and now they’re having twins, so I guess their marriage is great?
 

Princesses Long Island (Bravo)

Who Is This Now? Ashlee.

Why Are We Watching Her? She’s having a fight with her (sort of) friend Joey and involving all their mutual friends in it.

How Did She Get Here? Even though she’s 30, Ashlee still lives at home with her parents, and still socializes with all the same people she knew when she was in high school; thus, she’s still having high school–type fights.

What’s the Grossest Thing We See? The details of Ashlee and Joey’s fight are not important, by which I mean: The fight is stupid. All you need to know is that it takes place over a nice lunch out in the vineyard at a winery that’s quite a drive from everyone’s homes in Great Neck. So after the blowout, Ashlee flees from the vineyard back to the main winery building and calls her parents to cry about how mean everyone was to her. (Ashlee does not mention telling Joey, who has a troubled relationship with her mom, “Your mother was right about you,” which is … pretty crappy.) After getting through a very one-sided version of the day’s events, she demands that her parents get her out of there, as opposed to, say, calling a cab or a car service and dealing with it herself the way any other 30-year-old would. When Hal, Ashlee’s father, suggests that she get someone at the winery to call a car service for her, Ashlee whines that there has to be a “Teterboro” around there somewhere that will have a jet or a private plane she can take home instead. Then, as the rest of her friends are figuring out who’s going where for the rest of the day, Ashlee just takes off and no one has any idea where the hell she went.

What Have We Learned? Ashlee sucks and no one should waste a second looking for her spoiled ass.


 

Celebrity Wife Swap (ABC)

Who Is This Now? Gerardo.

Why Are We Watching Him? He’s being challenged to reconsider his contributions to his household.

How Did He Get Here? He’s traded wives with Sisqo, and Mrs. Sisqo (a.k.a. Elizabeth, Sisqo’s girlfriend) is not as submissive as Gerardo’s wife, Kathy, is.

What’s the Grossest Thing We See? Gerardo tries to disguise his male chauvinism as acceptable behavior for a traditional Latino man, saying things like, “A modern marriage doesn’t work for me. The worst thing my wife could do is make me do chores.” Meanwhile, he orders Elizabeth (who normally doesn’t cook at home) to make dinner for the 50 to 80 members of the Bible study group he hosts at the house, criticizes everything she does, and doesn’t help her prepare the meal, choosing instead to sit in the dining room and get a new tattoo.

What Have We Learned? Gerardo was actually less objectionable in his “Rico Suave” days.

Watch the full episode here.

Tara Ariano is the West Coast editor of Previously.TV.

Filed Under: The Lunatic Channels