Freak Show & Tell: Nannyphobia; Rotten Mouths; and Levi Johnston, Published Author
Every week, television documentaries present us with so many unusual people, with so many strange and/or disturbing problems, you might find it hard to keep up with all of them. That’s where I come in! Here’s an unflinching look back at TV’s Week in Freak Shows.
Pregnant In Heels (Bravo)
Who Is This Now? Donna.
Why Are We Watching Her? She’s expecting her first baby, and though she knows she needs to hire a baby nurse so that she can go back to work right away, she is totally paranoid about home security.
How Did She Get Here? I don’t want to make unfair generalizations. But she lives in L.A.
What’s the Grossest Thing We See? It’s bad enough that maternity concierge Rosie Pope designs what amounts to a sting operation for prospective nanny candidates, putting temptations like cash, pay stubs, and chocolate in the nursery while Rosie and Donna monitor each applicant on video (by this point in the episode, Donna has installed dozens of security cameras all over the house). Making matters worse is Donna’s assertion that her biggest fear regarding the hire of a nanny is that she will steal from her. The baby’s safety is … up to the baby, I guess. The final grossest thing: Donna and her husband Jason — who, as I mentioned, live in Los Angeles — name their baby girl Brooklyn.
What Have We Learned? Whatever Donna pays Meg, the nanny she eventually hires, it surely isn’t enough.
Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp (Lifetime)
Who Is This Now? Bristol.
Why Are We Watching Her? Apparently we aren’t.
How Did She Get Here? She’s letting Lifetime document her time in Los Angeles, where she’s working (not much, it seems) for a children’s charity.
What’s the Grossest Thing We See? Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol’s son Tripp, has just released a book, which Bristol spends the whole episode monitoring obsessively while pretending not to care about it. “Levi wrote a book because he doesn’t have a job,” she says. Bristol knows, because she’s been there!
What Have We Learned? There are people in this world who, when they take a job and keep it for three whole episodes of a reality show while also whining at their sisters to fly down to Alaska to provide unpaid child care, will describe the experience thusly: “I’ve learned that I can do it by myself, completely.” Yes, Bristol, you’re the Amelia Earhart of keeping a job for two days.
Embarrassing Bodies (DFH)
Who Is This Now? Lynne.
Why Are We Watching Her? Even for a British person, her teeth are super-jank.
How Did She Get Here? She drinks “up to 12 cans of fizzy drink” a day, which has already caused her to lose 12 teeth and severely damaged those remaining.
What’s the Grossest Thing We See? The “before” state of Lynne’s teeth is pretty horrible, but that’s nothing compared to the process of pulling the most damaged teeth that are still in her mouth (it’s bloody), and then drilling holes in her gums where her new dental implants will be screwed in.
What Have We Learned? I don’t want to tell anyone how to live, but regularly consuming 12 cans of soda a day is maybe too much.
Tara Ariano will never reveal how many security cameras she’s had installed in her home.