Four Things We Wish the Internet Hadn’t Forced Us to See This Week
The Internet — the greatest invention for the discovery of unimaginable wonders since those machines where you could turn a crank for a haypenny and see a flipbook presentation of tuberculotic children limping after a rolling hoop — just as often force-feeds you rancid piles of nightmare fuel as it delivers gilded plates of unexpected delight. For whatever reason, this week has been particularly chockablock with viral horrors, four of which are presented below. It should go without saying that you should immediately close this tab and move on to something more pleasant, like that tiny puppy sitting on the iPhone. But if you proceed onward, do so knowing your day, if not your life, is about to be ruined. You Have Been Warned.
Alicia Silverstone Feeding Her Kid Like a Baby Bird
Explains Silverstone on her website:
I just had a delicious breakfast of miso soup, collards and radish steamed and drizzled with flax oil, cast iron mochi with nori wrapped outside, and some grated daikon. Yum! I fed Bear the mochi and a tiny bit of veggies from the soup from my mouth to his. It’s his favorite and mine. He literally crawls across the room to attack my mouth if I’m eating. This video was taken about a month or 2 ago when he was a bit wobbly. Now he is grabbing my mouth to get the food!
Any viral video titled “bear eats my mouth” should be legally required to feature footage, preferably shot by Werner Herzog, of an actual bear actually devouring someone’s mouth. Though this clip is, in its own way, every bit as grisly as the one we were expecting, ursine carnage has been replaced by psycho-vegan batshittery, with stomach-churning results. Birds are probably watching this and pushing their hungry chicks out of the nest to their death, disgusted by what they’ve unleashed upon the world. One thousand apologies for tempting you to watch this, which you certainly did.
The Octomom Photos
Rather than link to (or even explain) the (probably NSFW, Google at your own peril, sickies) images in question, we instead present a chronological inventory of the emotions we experienced after stumbling upon them yesterday via roughly 500 different websites:
*Disappointment With an Undeniable Undercurrent of Shame
*Denial of Brief Arousal
*An Even Deeper, Soul-Darkening Shame
*A Vast But Vague Sadness, Like When You See a Relatively New-Looking Baby Car Seat Abandoned by the Side of the Road
We realize that “don’t look at these” is usually code for “HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THIS!,” but in this case trust that it’s a sincere warning to stab your curiosity in the throat and hide it in an old refrigerator in the woods.
January Jones Eats Her Own Placenta
Even if the headline (here, and pretty much everywhere the story’s been reported on the Internet, thanks, Mad Men premiere news peg!) weren’t intentionally sensational, and January Jones had spent her first postpartem moments chowing down on her nutrient-rich afterbirth rather than merely taking some placenta-infused vitamins, it would seem pretty quaint after the ground we’ve already covered. It’s not like she Silverstoned it.
Jason Biggs Being Sodomized by a Pie (NSFW)
You’ll never be able to drive by a Marie Callender’s again without a crippling feeling of dread. It’s nice to see the pie finally get some closure, though.