Dina Lohan’s Dr. Phil Meltdown … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s TabloidsJosiah Kamau/Getty Images
Dina & Lindsay Lohan: Dina’s weird Dr. Phil segment continues to ripple dark energy throughout the Lohaniverse. “Dina was obviously high on something. It’s hard to tell whether it was drugs or alcohol. It’s very inappropriate to go on a TV show in that state. She must have done it because she knew Dr. Phil was going to ask hard questions about her parenting.” Or because she’s just permanently slizzered. The episode, in which Dina “seemed intoxicated as she flailed her way through the interview” with Dr. Phil, “makes it clear that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.” This is all just sad, and has been for a long time.
Blake Lively’s Gigantic Wedding Ring: “Eat your heart out, Blair Waldorf!” That is, like, way harsh, Serena.
Jennifer Aniston & Courteney Cox: Are the longtime best friends on the rocks now that Aniston is all boo’d/Theroux’d up and Cox is separated from David Arquette? “The Cougar Town star has suffered a meltdown” since Arquette moved in with new girlfriend Christina McLarty, “and her BFF Jennifer Aniston is fed up.” Cox is “driving everyone crazy, calling eight times a day.” Cox had admitted that “she has yet to sleep with another man, while David, 41, hit the ground running.” An inside source says “In Courteney’s prime, she was one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, so now it’s painful to see David with all these young girls.” It’s hard to imagine that Aniston never called Cox late at night while she was struggling with being single herself. “Courteney calls Jen at 2 a.m. in tears, and it’s driving Justin Theroux crazy.” John Mayer once implied in song that Aniston is a fan of the late-night Ambien drunk dial, so maybe Courteney’s calls just hit her too close to home. Or maybe this is just elaborate fan fiction about famous real people, like most gossip journalism.
John Mayer & Katy Perry: Like a frenemy whose passive-aggressive
Chris Pine’s Hair Hell: “Blue-eyed hunk Chris Pine, who played Capt. Kirk in Star Trek, is wishing someone could beam him up some hair. The 32-year-old actor is pining for sturdier follicles” after crew on Jack Ryan “began to notice that his hair was thinning. Chris is pretty freaked out. He never realized how dependent he is on his looks until his hair started falling out. Now he’s panicking about how it will affect his career, his love life, everything.” While he is looking into transplants and using Rogaine, the solution on the Jack Ryan set has been good old “spray-on hair.” Men have vanity too, y’all. Also Chris Pine is a very good actor for someone who could easily coast on being a stone cold babe. I think he’ll be fine. Besides, for Star Trek at least, there’s always CGI.
Mark Sanchez & Eva Longoria: “Eva Longoria is coming on too strong for Mark Sanchez, and it’s freaking him out!” Eva is 37 and Mark is 25, more or less the same age gap as Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. “Eva really likes Mark and constantly calls and texts him. Mark doesn’t want to be serious with anyone right now because his main focus is football and the season just began.” And because he’s a 25-year-old pro football player. “He’s made his intentions clear to Eva, but she still blows up his phone and wants to hang out all the time.” They’ve been dating since July, and Eva hopes to assure a smooth transition into football season. She “wants more of a commitment and gets jealous when he talks to other women.” So, always. “When Mark goes out with his friends, Eva always jokingly asks him if he got hit on. Mark used to think it was funny, but it’s beginning to make him uncomfortable.” This is making ME uncomfortable just reading about it.
Misc/Etc: “So obsessive, she seems doomed to be alone” “How is this woman 46?” “got wet and wild with Mama Mimi” “Pasty white-guy thigh is forgivable” “flaunted a healthy, curvy figure” “proudly displayed her newly shaven head” “looked fuller than ever” “Her dad has the lips, but she’s got the legs!” “Janet Jackson fondled an orange blouse” “a crazy quintuple hat?” “a giggly gossip sesh” “Note to single women: If you meet a guy with his mother’s face tattooed on his arm, run away!” “fit for a sloppy, pot-smoking teenager” “no flirty texts or emails back and forth” “the man who spent his sixth wedding anniversary cheating on his wife” “These women will love him!” “outspoken about his promiscuous past” “In reality she’s all grown up and ready to be a wife” “They’re paid to party”
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: The estranged couple “secretly met for the first time since the scandal broke” and now “the frost between them is thawing, for sure, and Rob has started to break down.” Whatever Bella wants, Bella gets. “Rob has always said they were soul mates and part of him still believes it. So having to cut her out of his life has been excruciating. He hasn’t forgiven her yet, but he seems to be going in that direction.” Stewart wore a necklace Pattinson gave her to the Toronto International Film Festival, seemingly making a public statement about missing him. Movie studio Summit has even offered to pay for couples counseling. “At this point, mark the pair’s relationship status as ‘complicated.’”
Kanye West & Kim Kardashian: “It wasn’t enough to get Kim Kardashian to toss her entire wardrobe. Now Kanye West wants his girlfriend to change her body, too,” by going on the cayenne pepper and maple syrup diet. I’m sure Kim knows all about how to do cleanses, but fuck that. “He says he wants her to be the face of his clothing line, but to do that she has to fit into the clothes. It’s really unbelievable. Her shape is what made her name. He has a long-term fantasy of turning them into the new Beyonce and Jay-Z power couple, but getting Kim to starve isn’t the way to do it.” RUN, KIM, RUN!
Misc/Etc: “She has cravings” “Kim’s backside is the focus” “a harsh taskmaster!” “Britney Spears’ chronically pimpled complexion” “having a gentle foundation misted onto her face” “His renowned torso well hidden for once” “Sometimes you need someone to hit rock bottom” “I’m off the grid!” “Maybe someday their dads can crash their wedding!” “I’m 20 pounds heavier than I was” “SHE CRIES WOLF” “They have had a lot of baby-making time together” “Aren’t sure if his behavior is because he doesn’t care or if he just feels he’s above the law” “stories of late-night romps” “Somebody suggested a midlife crisis” “Red is more than just a color” “The more blood, the better!” “Why should our kids be subjected to that torture (until they have to be)?”
Katy Perry on Water-Park Wardrobe Malfunctions: “I deserve a season pass for that ass.” TRU.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: “The big strong kids would always make fun of the kids who wanted to read instead of play sports. And the fact is, when we grow up, it’s the geeks who run the show!” Hey dweebazoid, maybe quiet down a bit before some jocks come stuff you in a locker. Also, weren’t you in G.I. Joe?
Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher: “She isn’t sure this will last. But she’s going for it.” Considering Ashton seemingly won’t put his phone down for a moment even while he’s making out with Mila freaking Kunis, I think Mila is right that it won’t last. She has always seemed funny and cool while Ashton Kutcher seems like … Ashton Kutcher. Nevertheless, he’s smitten. “He always had a thing for her. It’s a real infatuation.”
Shia LaBeouf: “I come from divorce, I’m only doing marriage once. It’s not a game for me.” Poor Mutt Williams. It must have been so heartbreaking for him when his parents Henry “Indiana” Jones and Marion Ravenwood split up.
John Rich (of Big & Rich): “I have a bar in my house — or as I say, a house in my bar. It holds 300 people and has a disco saddle!” He also relates, “Once, as I drove home from church in Amarillo, Texas, it actually rained frogs. Seriously.” Just like in Magnolia! I can’t wait to hear what Big & Rich thought about The Master on their next podcast.
Sofia Vergara: “She feels having a child will ruin the sex-bomb image she’s worked to create.” Weird, because she already has a son, Manolo Gonzalez. He is a film student and kind of a fox.
Gwyneth Paltrow & Cameron Diaz: Bleach-blonde beach-babe besties! “Gwyneth is a nurturer. Cameron is bummed about being single, so Gwyneth sees her a project. She’s trying to set her up with guys.” Gwyneth is Cher Horowitz, now and forever. Who can Gwynnie set Cammy D up with? It’s not like she knows any hot single guys or has friends. Maybe they’ll fall in love with … each other. ~DrEaMs~
Taylor Swift & Conor Kennedy: They went to (beloved East Coast chain) Friendly’s!!! They each ordered a sundae (a Happy Ending for her; the Forbidden Fudge Brownie for him).” That’s likely the first Happy Ending Taylor Swift’s ever gotten in her mouth. “They sat on the same side of the booth!” Taylor Swift’s life is an Archie comic, and she is equal parts Betty and Veronica. Swift is “obsessed with Conor. She writes him love notes!” They spent a “G-rated weekend” antiquing and going to cafés. Swift is the world’s youngest GILF.
Amy Adams on Juggling Motherhood & The Master: “I’d have to relieve the nanny after I got two hours of sleep, then go to work. There were moments when I was like, ‘This is the perfect movie to make on three hours of sleep.’”
Misc/Etc: “Lookers was not even a strip club” “Love has truly been redefined for both of us” “flashed braless sideboob” “A prebaby lunch” “Let her pastie peek out” “That’s a whole lotta Hamm!” “Where is the trust, people?” “I’m going to get me a Jeep Wrangler!” “I don’t feel like I owe her anything” “my rhinestone stage clothes” “I’ve always wanted to ride a horse on the beach!” “I don’t see the point of Brazil nuts” “I can list all the presidents and all the books of the Bible” “They put a paparazzo in a boat outside!” “Green complements red hair” “She’s turned into a Valley girl” “We watch TV, we cuddle!” “It’s not just that she’s his lover, she’s also his best friend.” “She was waiting to be married to wear it!” “She recently warmed up to her archnemesis” “It’s sexy and built for two” “Corsets! Jewels! Adultery!” “You don’t want to hang with all the homies!” “Be a bad mom!”
Kris Jenner: “As the country observed a somber moment of silence in memory of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, Kris Jenner was perched on a chair at the Today show, cheerfully urging women to ‘check the expiration date’ on their breast implants.” Later, “she changed into a body-hugging leather minidress for some cringe-worthy bumping and grinding on the dance floor.” Her kids are totally embarrassed, perhaps wary that she is their own future. “She is always drawing attention to herself.”
Kate Hudson: The erstwhile Penny Lane says she “hates the word Bohemian.”
Lisa Lampanelli Got the Lap Band: “I wasn’t overweight growing up, so I always felt like there was a thin person inside of me. It sounds weird, but internally I didn’t feel fat.” She says the biggest perk of losing weight is that “no one recognizes me, so I can be a total bitch everywhere I go!”
Misc/Etc: “She still looks fat!” “cool masculine-meets-feminine mix” “sporting prom hair?” “I pretended to be a tennis ball” “anything but psychedelic” “chow down on this fake foot” “Pint-sized PDA!” “Keep flaunting those abs, Derek!” “scarfs down a slice” “If I looked like her, I would be embarrassed to leave the house.” “I’m just your everyday woman” “lazing topless by a pool” “like he didn’t have a care in the world” “spending a lot of time partying with pretty women” “The ring was so shiny” “wrote ‘help me’ in blood” “There was zero affection or touching the entire night” “It’s so awkward for him to see pictures of her wearing his clothes” “He eats really good dog food cause I’m rich” “Gastric surgery is a girl’s best friend” “She uses jokes and goofiness to hide the fact that she’s really sensitive.”