Diddy and Kate Upton’s Affair to Forget … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids
Kate Upton & Diddy: “This much is certain in the wake of reports that Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs and supermodel Kate Upton have engaged in at least one torrid make-out session — Diddy loves the ladies!” Diddy and Upton both denied the “alleged kissing encounter at the Miami club LIV.” But insiders who were there say “that the two did indeed get together at the club at about 3 a.m. on March 24 — just a few days after Diddy temporarily broke up with his girlfriend, singer Cassie Ventura. Cassie and Diddy have split up so many times, and usually it’s because he can’t help his womanizing ways.” Diddy Draper! Knock it off. “Cassie was not happy to read about Diddy and Kate together, says the friend, but Diddy argued that he and Cassie were estranged at the time of the incident. In fact, he told her that it was the fling with Kate that made him realize Cassie was the one for him.” CLASSIC DIDDY DRAPER. “A second source contends that Diddy then asked Cassie to marry him, something he has reportedly done before, only to be rebuffed.” Upton is embarrassed. “She doesn’t want to be painted as some kind of homewrecker.” Diddy “himself has admitted to having a soft spot for women.” He told Cassie Kate Upton was his “final fling.” These women are both way too hot for him.
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: For her birthday, he “managed to get ahold of an original vinyl copy of her favorite Van Morrison song ‘Madame George.’” You mean Astral Weeks? THERE WERE NO SINGLES RELEASED FROM ASTRAL WEEKS.
Adam Levine: “There are men who really love women. That’s me.” We know.
Rihanna Subtweets Chris Brown Live At her L.A. Show: “How many of you are in love? How many of you hate love? How many of you don’t fucking understand it? I’m in that group.” Chris Brown was in the audience.
Misc/Etc: “Butterfly and floral encrusted” “This week’s ho” “HORIZONTAL STRIPE DAY” “He also likes to take the squeaky parts out of toys and de-stuff them” “MARIAH FEATURED A BUTTERFLY” “A tear before rehab” “We just want them to live a happy life” “He’s not only singing, he’s marrying us!” “IT’S NO WONDER SHE’S EXHAUSTED” “She’ll regret doing this one day, but in the meantime, she’s clicking through all the press coverage and patting herself on the back. It’s very sick.” “I will have my best year to look back on.”
Carly Rae Jepsen: “I carry a guitar capo, to adjust the pitch in case I get into a jam session.” Um, call me ALWAYS!
NCIS’s Michael Weatherly: “As an unemployed actor in New York City, I played guitar in the subway. Huey Lewis and the News were a big influence.” Are you Patrick Bateman? “If I could be anyone for a day, I’d be Sting and call my Police bandmates for a quick jam.” Yes, you are definitely Patrick Bateman. Also, “Sometimes I live in Jamaica.”
Is Betty Draper Better Brunette? 95 percent of poll respondents said “No.”
Farrah Abraham’s Porno: “Why would Abraham — a pregnant, frightened high school cheerleader when MTV viewers met her in 2009 — turn to porn? Sources tell Us she’s desperate to revive her career after Teen Mom’s September series finale because her efforts to land a new reality show have gone nowhere. The unattached star — due to be arraigned in Omaha April 29 for an alleged DUI — even campaigned for a spot on VH1’s Couples Therapy.” The hitch being that she’s single. “She tried to recruit a boyfriend for the show. But no one would do it! Hence the sex tape. She wanted to take the Kim Kardashian route.” Her costar is beloved male porn star James Deen, whose sensitive-Jewish-guy-with-an-average-sized-member-fucks-your-brains-out-and-cuddles-afterward shtick was basically pioneered by s porn star Seymore Butts in his Showtime reality sitcom Porn: A Family Business. Abraham’s plan to pretend that Deen was her boyfriend fell through when everyone recognized immediately that it was staged, and she’s been spinning damage control/feuding with Deen/ignoring all the really sad public statements from her conservative religious parents.
Ryan Gosling & Britney Spears: Speaking of sensitive guys beloved by the ladies, Gosling spoke fondly of his Mickey Mouse Club days and the legendary pop Lolita. “She lived right above me, the girl next door. The little girl I used to play basketball and spin the bottle with.” DAMN IT, GOSLING.
Dax Shepard on Fatherhood: “My afternoon trip to Costco felt like a late-night rager at a strip club.”
Blake Shelton & Miranda Lambert: At a post ACMAs party, “Miranda and Blake were all over each other. And what better way to keep her eye on her guy? Country music’s reigning power couple haven’t even celebrated their second wedding anniversary, yet they’ve been plagued by rumors of infidelity.” Whoa, hold on there, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw have not been dethroned! “For all her bravado, pals say Lambert works hard to keep her man from straying. She knows he comes off as flirty. She questions him at times and asks about certain girls. The rumors are hard for her to hear.” Not Blake Shelton! Come on, that guy’s a stand-up guy. Right? RIGHT? “Shelton has earned his jocular ladies’ man rep.” On a talk show appearance “he all but drooled over fellow guest Scarlett Johansson — less than two weeks shy of his first wedding anniversary. He’s also a fan of beauties on Twitter. Lambert told Us in June she checked out the people he follows and, surprise, ‘they’re all hot girls!’” Shelton was also seen flirting over Twitter with his 23-year-old protégée, Cady Groves. “The racy exchange sparked buzz that the twosome were more than just costars.” Blake himself “swears up and down that nothing happened.”
Lambert and Shelton got together when he was still married to someone else, so she might have reason to be suspicious. Lambert has said “I knew he was married. I knew better. Like, this is off-limits.” Shelton divorced Kaynette Williams the next year and linked up with Lambert. “Now well-versed with her husband’s effortless charisma, Miranda is definitely aware of how Blake can act. She trusts him, but she knows how flirty he appears.” They are frequently split up by work. She’s touring in support of her album Four the Record and he’s promoting his own album Based on a True Story … and judging The Voice. “It’s a lot of flying. And a lot of strain.” Blake is a Pete Campbell who admits, “Honestly, I don’t do that well when I’m away from her for more than a week and a half.” In Redbook, “Lambert admitted that their long-distance romance had her questioning a ‘million’ times whether the marriage would survive.” She said “The first year was really hard,” copping to a slight case of “the seven year itch” which probably shouldn’t happen in the FIRST year. “To keep their bond, Lambert says she’ll text Shelton even the most banal details of her day. Even if it’s just, like, a picture of onion rings.” MMM ONION RINGS! Us brings up the break-up curse of stars using the phrase “Divorce is not an option,” said at various times by Jennifer Lopez about Marc Anthony, Courteney Cox about David Arquette, and Jennie Garth about Peter Facinelli. Lambert says she checks Shelton’s Twitter direct messages, which is kind of sketchy on both of their parts. Shelton has said the pair’s bond is real, admitting cryptically, “We did everything we could to not be together at times, and we just couldn’t make it happen.” Lambert says “I think love stories are great, but you gotta be friends at the end of the day. And that’s our secret.”
Selena Gomez Starstruck by Jennifer Aniston: “When she said hi, I was terrified of her. I was scared, so I ran away, and I’m really embarrassed about that. I didn’t know what to do. It’s Rachel!”
Stevie Nicks on Fleetwood Mac: “We’re way too old to be stupidly teenage anymore. We have to grow up.” No way, Stevie, you’re never too old to be stupidly teenage! Or stupidly whatever age!
Julianna Margulies’s Mom: “She said, ‘Oh, honey, every woman should get married. Just try it at least once.’”
Fergie: “Mangoes are like crack to me!” Remember when you were about to do that line?
Big Sean & Naya Rivera: My new favorite D-list power couple!
Katy Perry Spotted Kissing Russell Brand? “Gross! As if” — Katy’s Twitter
Taylor Swift Still Bitter About John Mayer: “Taylor Swift won’t be upstaged by her ex. The star put on a stink at April 7’s Academy of Country Music Awards when she learned John Mayer was slated to perform before her.” Taylor “said she had to go on earlier than him. And though Swift, 23, got her way, the rest of the night was a letdown. After she didn’t win anything, she bailed on a post show dinner party.” She was just really bitter that night.
Jay R. Ferguson on Stan Rizzo’s Tight Pants: “One day I had a rip down the butt!” Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan. This is Stan.
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: They celebrated Kristen’s 23rd birthday with “dinner at Malo Taqueria (their regular hangout) followed by drinks with a group of pals.” When the bar closed, “the couple took everyone back to her house in Los Feliz. They partied until the sun came up.” A few days later, they attended Coachella together, where Stewart was stoked on The Postal Service’s comeback/first-ever live performance.
Misc/Etc: “From Teen Mom to PORN STAR!” “When I was a teenager my dad called me ‘Hollywood’ because I wore sunglasses all the time” “It shows off her exotic beauty” “It would have taken a morbid turn” “the guitar-hip-hop mashup” “I can be very edgy and dangerous.” “I wanted to be a stuntman” “the Walking Grateful Dead!” “She danced all night on top of her banquette” “Vanessa’s a flower child!” “Katy Perry and Ashley Benson hung at a McDonald’s pool party” “Clint Eastwood tried the water guns” “Hollywood goes hippie-chic” “First time we’ve ever kissed with other people watching” “Tom is supercompetitive!” “Phish’s newest roadie” “I like to be simple” “a controlled test of mettle” “Has she been huffing Miracle-Gro?” “We wanted to celebrate the miracle our love created” “Warrior Princess of the Hoochie Tribe” “She’s always there to cheer him on!” “might not be fit to commit” “Harry Crane exhibits the worst of ’60s trends (an ascot, really?)” “The Carmen Elektra Kool-Aid Acid Test”
MILF WAR: “Jessica Simpson and Nicole Richie despise each other. Nicole thinks Jessica is a classless idiot and Jess says Nicole is the most stuck-up egocentric person ever.” According to a spy on the set of Fashion Star, “the feud has been dubbed The MILF War by the crew” because “both of them want to be the hottest mom. Adding to the drama is Nicole’s constant snide comments about Jessica’s clothes being sold to ‘average’ people. Nicole is a fashion elitist and designs clothes for the rich and famous and smirks.”
Warren Beatty Spotted Acting Single: “Former ladies man Warren Beatty is apparently up to his old tricks. According to eyewitnesses, the actor was seen getting cozy with a young brunette on April 6! The Academy Award winner, 76, who has been married to 54-year-old Annette Bening for 21 years, was being affectionate with the model during a party in Brentwood, California.” A spy says “He acted like a single guy. They even exchanged numbers at the end of the night. She flirted back! Old habits die hard.” What’s new, pussycat?
January Jones & Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom: ”Katy Perry and January Jones didn’t let Orlando Bloom’s wedding ring stop them from some serious flirting” at a Santa Monica event he “attended without wife Miranda Kerr. Orlando was sitting with three businesspeople, but that didn’t matter to January. She went straight for him and interrupted his conversation. But an uninterested Orlando made it clear he didn’t want to chat with the Mad Men star, and she quickly scuttled away to down a few more Heinekens.” She loves Heineken, just like Betty Draper! “Katy didn’t fare much better. She was completely starstruck and got supergiggly when he asked for a picture of her — she thought he was digging her. But the pic was actually for a female friend! Katy was annoyed but agreed to the picture and then attempted to flirt after that, but he blew her off and continued his business chat. It’s clear that he’s a happily married man.” Kerr was just fired from being a Victoria’s Secret Angel.
Misc/Etc: “PRUDE ALERT!” “her cocaine problem in the 80s” “strike two blows in one dastardly plot!” “alphabet-soup styled purse” “the pup isn’t hip enough for Hollywood!” “He’s disgusted that she’s let piles of clothes and shoes build up in her small apartment.” “gasping with horror when two sunbathers ditched their bikini tops” “If she’s not careful she’ll price herself right out of a career” “Demi Moore’s autobiography has hit a pretty major roadblock: she’s a terrible writer!” “The grabby Glee star headed to the McDonald’s Premium McWrap Pool Party, where he squirted tequila into people’s mouths with a water gun.” “Brad Pitt may have been one of the older atendees” “Other stars take note: it’s called work ethic.” “IS A TOTAL DRUNK”
Kimye: “Kanye wasn’t even around when the baby kicked for the first time. She’s paranoid and thinks Kanye is spending time away because she’s pregnant. Kanye is certainly keeping his distance. He insists on staying in Paris, but he could write and record anywhere. Kim, already hormonal and upset about her body, is starting to panic. Kanye has been ignoring Kim’s pleas for him to visit her. She thinks getting pregnant was a complete mistake.”
Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Joan Rivers: Paltrow said she won’t do Botox again because she “looked crazy, like Joan Rivers.” Rivers said “I totally get it. This is why, because I don’t want to look like Gwyneth, I no longer put my head up my ass.” POINT JOAN RIVERS.
Rebel Wilson & Russell Crowe: “When Rebel spotted the star dining with pal Nicole Kidman in Sydney, she approached them to thank Nicole for an acting scholarship she’d recently won. ‘Before I could say anything, Russell turns to me and says ‘Fuck off!’” Sounds like Russell Crowe, all right.
Russell Brand on Kardashian Sisters: “I’m vulnerable to the idea of a KKK threesome. I think pregnant women are radiant and the idea of lactation is an interesting one.” AS IF!
Pete Wentz: “I wore drop-crotch sweats. I read anonymous internet comments and cried for hours in my bathroom.”
Number of Years Kim Catrall Has Been on a Diet: “39.” She’s 56.
Ellen & Portia Are Childfree: “You have to really want to have kids, and neither of us did. So it’s just going to be me and Ellen and no babies.”
Misc/Etc: “A tissue, which jokingly waved in the air before dabbling her eyes.” “had cake and toured a real fire engine” “He loves animals, which he gets from me” “messing with Wolverine’s pet!” “lets her inner hippie chick come out” “OMG Oh My Gerard!” “Desert heat was getting to me” “Forgot to wax?” “LONELY WANDERING” “the ginger-haired helicopter pilot is less a roving lothario than a shy, hopeless romantic who’s faced rejection from socialites and shopgirls alike”"Pose, look at your tits!” “it is incredibly hot” “If that means I have to be a businesswoman in the porn industry, I’ll do it.”