Demi Moore’s in Miami, John Mayer’s Old Tricks … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids


Us Weekly

Demi Moore Out Of Control in Miami: “Dancing wildly and downing Red Bull after Red Bull at 1:30 A.M., Demi Moore — wearing a thigh-baring romper and black glasses — made quite a spectacle of herself in Miami Beach.” There for Art Basel, the “50-year-old mom of three grinded against fellow reveler Stacy Keibler, 33, as Lenny Kravitz, 48, looked on.” How come nobody’s calling nearly 50-year-old father Kravitz “out of control” for still going out and partying? Oh right, he’s not a woman. Then again, Demi did just get out of rehab, so the age-shaming can be also be played off as genuine concern for her health. “Demi partying was really something else. Lenny was rolling his eyes.” Moore’s boy-toy Vito Schnabel, 26, “was keeping a safe distance from the self-proclaimed puma.” He tried to ditch her, but “she won’t let it go. He told her to leave him alone, but she went to Miami anyway.” I would totally watch this if it were a movie, but the reality is pretty hard to take. “Demi is insecure about getting older.” OH YOU THINK? “That’s why she hangs out with so many young people.” A friend defends her by saying, “She was having fun.” She looks like she was having fun twerking like an awkward white lady. Before Schnabel, she hooked up with Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who dated Lindsay Lohan. Moore’s daughters were in Miami to party, but they have exiled their mom. “They’re not talking. She and Scout haven’t spoken in a long time.” This is very sad. Actresses get punished for getting older but mocked for acting young. Demi Moore obviously has a lot of problems, but shaming her isn’t gonna help. 

Rob Kardashian and Rita Ora: “Bitter breakup!” Bitter splits run in the Kardashian family, as Rob ripped into his ex-girlfriend Rita Ora on Twitter, suggesting she “cheated on me with nearly 20 dudes.” What does the “nearly” entail? “Sock designer” Rob (he wishes!) lost his shit about Ora’s supposed unfaithfulness. He quickly scrubbed the tweets, but the hashtag “#RitaWhora” started trending anyway.

Amy Poehler on Her High School Yearbook: “I did not win a superlative, but I come in third runner-up for most casual.”

Isla Fisher on Husband Sacha Baron Cohen: “I cannot tell you how embarrassing he is in social situations.” Wow wow wee wah!

Christina Aguilera on Hillary Clinton: “What charisma. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.” New OTP!

Jessica Simpson Celebrating Being Pregnant: By eating “a grilled cheese sandwich with onion rings” at the Polo Lounge. I guess she told Weight Watchers to fuck off, and I don’t really blame her. I wonder if they’ll still pay her out, though?

Scarlett Johansson and Romain Dauriac: “They’re hot for each other!” Scarlett and French writer Dauriac have been spotted around Paris, slow-dancing to The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” at Le Baron “in a world of their own.” After splitting with ad exec Nate Naylor, Scarlett is happy with her new love interest. “She likes his depth.” Oh, is that what we’re calling it now?

Taylor Swift and Harry Styles: “Swift is One Direction’s biggest groupie.” I’m guessing Swift has seen Almost Famous like a trillion times. Just a hunch. “For now she is totally caught up in love. It’s how she is. She doesn’t go at a normal pace in these relationships. It’s zero to 60 in seconds.” She’s just horny, y’all. She’s 22! At the Crosby Street Hotel, “Taylor was all over him. They made out for two hours.” Did you time it or something? “Taylor only wants to date younger guys so she can be in control and not get hurt like when she was with Jake Gyllenhaal.” I’m not sure dating a younger guy necessarily means you’re in control. Just look at Demi Moore. “She’s older than Harry and has more power. She feels like she has the upper hand.” That’s a rookie mistake, Taylor! “He’s way into her, but he also knows this is good for his career. It’s a perfect match for a gal who loves the spotlight.” Her friends think she’s following a pattern of falling too fast and hard for someone based on an idealized fantasy. “It won’t last, but it feels right for now.”

Jack White: “The only people who should tweet are comedians. It’s all about one-liners.”

Things You Don’t Know About Cee Lo (Excerpted)

  • “I think Jamie Lee Curtis is one of the sexiest women ever”
  • “I appreciate Johnny Depp’s casual, cool style”
  • “I own more than 75 different tracksuits”
  • “I have a diamond implanted on two of my left front teeth”
  • “My favorite movie is Forrest Gump.”
  • “Both my parents died when I was 18.”
  • “When I travel, I bring a big stuffed-animal panther with me.”
  • “Growing up in Atlanta, I went to school with OutKast’s Andre 3000 and TLC’s Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas”
  • “I love eating at Ruby Tuesday in Times Square.”

Misc/Etc: “a felony shoplifting charge for allegedly swiping ink cartridges and makeup at Walmart” “I went blind for 36 hours!” “Midstunt I ripped my ass cheek” “plaster and resin pills” “We call him boss baby!” “Gwynnie Does Dubai!” “Katy Perry and Jack Nicholson hung at a Painted Turtle Camp benefit” “Loving animals is so embedded in me!” “pinched off sprigs to sniff” “She’s very focused, but he’s just not driven” “loved being pregnant” “Channing Tatum dining with a large group of guys at Meat and Potatoes in Pittsburgh” “welcome to life as a pregnant princess” “a bitter war between the women” “how he stays fresh to death” “John Mayer pranced around wearing miniature reindeer” “an old cellphone”

 

Star

Bradley Cooper’s Receding Hairline Playbook: “Former sexiest man alive Bradley Cooper has demanded that his hairstylist keep a lid on rumors about his receding hairline.” His stylist on The Hangover Part III was forced to “sign a confidentiality clause” promising she wouldn’t reveal the details of her job. Cooper “comes from a long line of bald guys and has used Propecia for years. Brad’s thrown himself into work and is desperate for an Oscar nod in February, but he’s paranoid about going bald. He thinks it could kill his leading-man status.” He’s been dealing with the fear by “getting a cutting-edge hair-loss treatment and taking a battery of natural supplements.” Just do what all the other male stars do and get plugs!

Lindsay Lohan’s NPD: “She saw two doctors, and her L.A. doctor diagnosed her with full-on, severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” which the DSM says is “characterized by self-centeredness, lack of empathy and an exaggerated sense of self-importance.” She was prescribed Lexapro and Wellbutrin, but stopped taking them when she “ended up getting a little pudgy.” The fillers probably didn’t help. “Her L.A. doctor told her that ‘without continued therapy, you will die — most likely behind the wheel of a car.’ She thought the man was out of his mind.”

John Mayer and Katy Perry: “You can’t teach an old horndog new tricks — especially if that dog is John Mayer. Despite his rep as a notorious womanizer, Katy Perry still fell head over heels for the singer. But now she might be learning a lesson the hard way.” I predict a duet with Taylor Swift in Katy’s future. “Katy, 28, has long been paranoid that John, 35, will cheat on her.” At a recent dinner she “snooped through his cell while he was in the restroom.” Like he’d leave his cell at the table! “Katy caught John sexting something else. He basically was telling another woman how hot she was. Katy flipped out and confronted him” but Mayer “shrugged it off” and claimed it was innocent banter with a friend. Perry “expected an explanation but all she got was a lame excuse. Now she’s more worried than ever that he’s a serial cheater.” John Mayer seems to make every girl feel like she’s the exception who can change his ways. I maintain that his head game must be crazy. “No doubt John snared Katy with similar ‘romantic’ messages, but the question now seems to be not if he’s cheating on her, but with whom?” Does it really even matter who?

Steve-O’s Favorite Movie Of 2012: Argo. I’m comfortable enough with my own sexuality to say that Ben Affleck just keeps getting hotter and hotter.

Heather Graham and Jordan Bratman: Hollywood really is a small high school. Rollergirl hit on Christina Aguilera’s ex-husband at a holiday party. She is “sick and tired of dating Hollywood playboys” like James Woods, Kyle MacLachlan, and Edward Burns. She was “so excited when she got to the party that she was actually nervous to talk to Jordan.” They exchanged numbers and went on a dinner date.

Misc/Etc: “Embarrassing. Weird. Sad.” “devastated when he publicly dissed her” “She was forcing herself on him and it made him very uncomfortable.” “some dirty stray kitten she found” “sitting, looking depressed” “It was obvious that she wanted him far more than he wanted her.” “She is oozing desperation.” “smiled weakly but bravely” “She’s a cat person, then?” “best (and ugliest) impressions of bratty girls” “Tonguing with the fans!” “What’s an age difference of 60 years when love is at stake?” “It was like 10 Simon Cowells!” “HOT MOM ALERT!” “hell-bent on being supermom” “her kids turn into drug addicts and alcoholics” “from the South, with strong TV roots” “He likes modern and minimalist; she likes antiques and clutter.” “set her phaser to dump” “he thinks of himself as an artiste” “the most evil celebrity”

 

In Touch

Miranda Kerr: “My grandma said, ‘Men are very visual, so don’t forget that. Every day, put a little makeup on, put on some nice underwear, and you’ll keep your husband.” COOL STORY, SUPERMODEL’S GRANDMA.

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom: Khloe said, “I’m very obsessed with my husband, in a healthy way!” Maybe too obsessed? Lamar was “spotted lingering in an alley in the middle of the night with two gorgeous girls” and has been sneaking out to party at clubs constantly. “Lamar has been emotionally checked out for months. Khloe is trying to act like it’s not a big deal, but she’s having to try harder and harder, and Lamar isn’t reciprocating at all.” She goes to all his games, but he has been absent from tapings of The X Factor, which Khloe co-hosts. Their attempts to get pregnant have not been working out. “He has been trying to escape the pressure by going out. He’s been wanting to hang with his boys and party his pain away. Khloe is just letting him and not saying a word about it.” Burying her head in the sand is not the best strategy, but on such a public stage it must be hard to deal with all the gossip. “Her big fear is Lamar being surrounded by groupies, especially on the road. She gets jealous and she has every right to.”

Wendy Williams on Beyoncé: “Beyoncé sounds like she has a fifth-grade education.”

Ke$ha: “If I smear glitter on my face, you will be more attracted to me!”

Gerard Butler: “I’ve always liked older women — preferably 40 or 50 years older.” I wish this were true.

Jenny McCarthy: “As soon as my boobs started to resemble a sack of potatoes, I had to learn techniques to distract guys from seeing them.” Like talking about it?

Misc/Etc: “So you let me get you pregnant and let others hit it raw?” “overwhelming desire for sudden blindness” “It’s tough to cry when you’ve had plastic surgery” “I disrespected my husband” “I’m just a regular dude!” “She secretly loves dating stars” “Colin Farrell nuzzles a handsome horse” “dog snog!” “Taylor always likes the beginnings of relationships” “She uses men to push her career forward” “some very adult time” “the super-skinny star couldn’t sit still” “in that setting, that’s normal behavior” “her clothes coming off, making everyone uncomfortable” “dancing on tabletops trying to hang on to her youth” “I might have to get a shotgun!” “I smelled like a vegan fart” “the more I hated my life, the more eye-makeup I wore!”

 

OK!

Fran Drescher on Her Dog Esther: “Esther is from another planet. They don’t have dogs on her planet. They wanted to observe our culture, so they looked through picture books and came up with something that doesn’t exactly look like a dog to humans. The consequence is that everyone who crosses her path stops, and they all think the same thing: What kind of dog is that? She doesn’t look like a dog, nor does she sound like a dog, nor does she act like a dog? All ages, all ethnicities, all people, globally, cannot resist Esther.” This is amazing, but even more amazing is reading it all in Fran Drescher’s nasal Queens accent in your head.

Ashley Judd: Judd is “reportedly thinking of challenging Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell when the Republican Senate minority leader runs for reelection in 2014. She is doing all the things that a serious candidate exploring a race should do.”

Jennifer Garner: “I’m from West Virginia. If you played ‘Rocky Top’ I could clog right now.”

Naomi Watts: “I’d love to have been a Hitchcock blonde.” Careful what you wish for!

Misc/Etc: “I Respect Women.” “The idea for black diamonds came to him when he was writing a song” “even at age 2, her precocious girl is a vegetarian” “tons of cleavage and super-micro minis” “It’s ok, but it’s perilous” “I’m finally dating. It’s fun.” “joking that she’d love to get pregnant on a one-night stand so she’d never have to share the baby with anyone.” “For many mere mortals, weddings can plunge the family into debt” “red like Uncle Harry” “swear by hypnobirthing”  “eating more avocados than usual” “fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and ice cream” “Leonardo DiCaprio casually strolled the Hollywood Target aisles” “non-goth gentleman”

Filed Under: Bradley Cooper, Demi Moore, Harry Styles, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Katy Perry, Khloe Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Molly's Magazines, Taylor Swift

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert