Cindy Crawford Is a Drunken Mess … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids


Star

Cindy Crawford & Rande Gerber: “At a concert at the Malibu Inn in early February, the 47-year-old supermodel was more of a hot mess! While downing drink after drink, she went on a wild dancing and flirting spree with victims including Brody Jenner and Johnny Zambetti, the lead guitarist of the headlining band Terraplane Sun – all while Rande Gerber, her husband of 14 years, looked on unfazed.” Cindy supposedly told Zambetti “My marriage is over!” and he says that “she certainly wasn’t acting like a married woman. She was acting like a single, 21-year-old party girl.” Cindy’s rep claims the couple is just fine, and that they were there to see Shwayze. “Cindy was not flirting with any men or drinking. Cindy and Rande are very happily married.” There have been rumors of turmoil in the Crawford-Gerber union before, including the gossip that they participate in partner swapping with other celebrity couples like George Clooney and Stacy Keibler. Witnesses say Cindy was wasted and kept talking about “hot band guys” while “chasing Brody all around the bar. After a while, he and his two guy friends started to mess with her, buying her shots and making her take them. She was loving the attention!” Also I mean, c’mon Brody, it’s fucking Cindy Crawford. Rande “wasn’t paying Cindy any attention at all. He was completely checked out.” Friends say “Rande’s indifference is precisely the reason Cindy’s behaving like a teenager in the first place — it’s her way of getting back at him for cheating on her throughout their marriage.” Star had an exclusive in 2004 when Rande hooked up with a New Orleans waitress. “Cindy’s put up with a lot over the years.” SOUNDS LIKE IT. “She always flirts with guys, and it’s really sad because I think she does it out of jealousy over Rande flirting with other women.”

Justin Bieber Is Addicted to Shopping: “Swag doesn’t come cheap. 19-year-old Justin Bieber is a certified shopaholic whose over-the-top retail habit is making his management team nervous. Sources say the Biebs is blowing through cash at an alarming rate, spending more than $50,000 a week on designer clothes, hotel room parties, and gifts for his friends.” He buys dumb things like a $25,000 diamond-encrusted chain of Stewie from Family Guy. “Justin has a black Amex with no credit limit. He has an addictive personality and shopping is just one of his fixations.” His mom has tried to get him to cut down, but she can’t exactly ground him. “The word ‘budget’ isn’t in his vocabulary. Hmm, is ‘bankruptcy’?” Yikes.

Jennifer Lawrence Is Depressed: “She’s utterly exhausted from endless interviews, traveling nonstop, and four hours of sleep a night. Plus, her breakup with Nicholas Hoult crushed her. She’s completely overwhelmed and irritable and is fighting with everyone.” Aw, Jen, let’s get some cheesesteaks. Pat’s or Geno’s?

Ashlee Simpson Having a Breakdown: “Her split from beau Vincent Piazza and the divorce of her parents has sent Ashlee Simpson into a boozy tailspin.” A witness who saw Simpson partying at L.A.’s Pink Taco says, “She was downing drinks like there was no tomorrow. She asked for a straight shot and added it to her already mixed cocktail. Then she grabbed a random guy and started grinding on him. People had to hold her up as she left — she was out of control.” She also recently put out a very weird video for her self-released single “Bat For A Heart.”

Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer & Katy Perry: Hollywood is a small town and basically a high school. Jen introduced John Mayer to her favorite restaurant, the Tower Bar at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood, when they were dating, and he has since brought subsequent girlfriends there. “Jen freaked out when she ran into John and Katy one night. Then John poured on the PDA with Katy.” It’s cool, Jen Aniston, you upgraded so hard with Justin Theroux. Still, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel totally weird about running into your ex and his new love. At least they weren’t on a double date with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

Jude Law’s Baby Mama Drama: “His two-week fling with a Hooters waitress” named Samantha Burke “resulted in an unplanned pregnancy” that he demanded a paternity test for, which ended up proving that the baby is indeed his. “Even after the DNA test, he dealt with them in a very businesslike fashion.”

Rihanna & Chris Brown Planning a Wedding? “They want tattoo artists, fire breathers, and a near-naked waitstaff. They’re even talking about having pre-rolled joints at the reception!” Nah, sorry, this is still the worst idea ever.

Keri Russell: “Not every mom is a KGB spy, but every mom has this whole other life. That is what is very relatable.”

Misc/Etc: “He knows how badly he’s always treated the women in his life” “That’s why she didn’t have a single margarita in Cabo” “Not even toddlers can resist Ryan Gosling’s charms” “the other ladies will be so annoyed” “panicking and making up fake story lines” “totally boring, just a yoga-and-granola loving hippie with two kids” “The Duckface” “the thigh’s the limit” “For once the drummer may be the best-looking member of the band” “looked, like, really cool” “picked up a few skills from Buckets, of the Harlem Globetrotters” “HOBBLED BUT STILL HAUTE!” “wrinkle-free and lovely” “the biggest bear and a thousand roses” “Olivia Munn jumped behind the DJ booth” “Taylor Swift channeled her inner daredevil” “Chace Crawford has an important conversation with a show” “She wants to be a billionaire by the time she turns 40″ “Across the runway sat Matt Damon, who mouthed ‘wow.'”

 

OK!

John Mayer & Katy Perry Are Engaged? “John Mayer may be Hollywood’s most notorious womanizer, valedictorian of the College of Bad Boyfriends, the man who infamously kissed and told too much about Jessica “Sexual Napalm” Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, and on and on. But with Katy Perry, it’s different.” I’M DIFFERENT, YEAH I’M DIFFERENT. He recently proposed to the “Teenage Dream” chanteuse. “What made this serial-dating legend decide to toss away his little black book and commit to Katy? More than anything else, it was her strength and spirit.” And her boobs. Don’t forget about her huge awesome boobs. “He loves that she’s so independent and doesn’t cling to him like a lovesick barnacle.” Aw, barnacles are cool. “Katy, of course, loves a bad boy, but she’s not going to let a man stomp all over her. She’s really quite sassy with John – and he loves it! He needs someone to take him down a notch.” Doesn’t every alpha male? “John has changed. There’s a kind of sweet humility about him these days and that’s due to Katy. He said she’s got him, hook, line and sinker, and he wants to spend the rest of his life making her happy.” HE BETTER! Or prepare to face the wrath of the KatyCats.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler Is Pregnant: “The former onscreen mob kid known as Meadow Soprano confirmed she’s having her first child.” MISS YOU, MEADOW.

Kathie Lee on Photobombing: “I’m guilty of it too but I only bomb true friends.”

Misc/Etc: “No actor should be working for free” “waiting for her in her trailer with a huge bunch of pink roses” “for his talent and his body” “gorgeous cashmere baby blankets” “I can assure you that little Kanye Jr. will be fitted with one-of-a-kind couture” “Photobomber-in-Chief Bill Clinton” “they were found hiding in a West Virginia shed along with large amounts of Oxycodone and heroin” “we’re having sex at the studio” “THE SAUCER-EYED DIVA ACCEPTS” “It’s seeing who he is really turning out to be” “no one can talk her out of it” “I don’t know how to answer that without sounding like an asshole.” “I like it in spurts.”

 

Us Weekly

Steve Martin a First-Time Dad at 67: “He’s no stranger to parenthood on the big screen, and now Steve Martin is changing diapers in real life.” The 67-year-old actor is married to 41-year-old writer Anne Stringfield, and the couple “recently welcomed a child.” That baby is so lucky its dad knows The Muppets personally. Martin’s friend Carl Reiner kvelled “It’s his first baby, and he’s a doting father.”

Is Kate Upton a Mean Girl? “The other SI models hate her. They are jealous, but Kate’s also been a bitch to them in the past.” THEY’RE JUST JEALOUS OF HER BOOGIE.

Things You Don’t Know About John Corbett (Excerpts)

  • “Some people think I wear a wig because I have pretty great hair.”
  • “I have a hairdresser’s license.”
  • “I own the record of Elvis Presley’s birth, handwritten by the doctor who delivered him.”
  • “In high school I was a security guard for the band Kansas”
  • “My grandpap taught me how to steal candy.”
  • “When I was 10 years old, I hung out with the Black Panthers.”
  • “I’m related to 1890s boxer ‘Gentleman Jim’ Corbett.
  • “I kind of hate gambling.”
  • “I considered being a priest.”
  • “I want my last meal to be a thin-crust cheese pizza.”
  • “I have the last guitar Buck Owens ever gave anyone.”
  • “I never had a poster of [now girlfriend] Bo Derek in my bedroom.”

John Mayer Loves Katy Perry: “For the first time I don’t feel like I’m in a celebrity relationship. For me, it feels like something that’s very human.” Somewhere his ex-girls Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston, and Jessica Simpson are rolling their eyes.

Fergie Is Pregnant: “It’s bound to be one lovely baby bump!” AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Beyoncé on Blue Ivy: “She’s my road dog. My homey. My best friend.”

Jennifer Lawrence Eats Cheesesteaks to Chill Out: “Eating calms me down. One year, I was wearing a skin-tight dress and then I ate a Philly cheesesteak. But then I had to double-Spanx it!” When asked what she plans to wear to the Oscars she says “Sweatpants! No, I’ll suck it up and wear a corset.”

Joan Rivers on Dating: “Take a good look at me. This hotel has closed!” Joan you look just fine and you’re a legend. Keep the hotel open and the pool heated just in case.

Misc/Etc: “Move over Rizzo and Frenchy!” “I need another person to help me out of this!” “she was torn this way” “DIVAS TO THE RESCUE” “Brenda saves the day!” “I felt like I was being scooped out like a pumpkin and hit by a train” “I still get nervous on Wednesdays because that’s the elimination day.” “running home and brushing my teeth 100 times and crying on my porch” “I showed sideboob, I don’t need to show ass.” “Kurt Russell and love Goldie Hawn fed dolphins” “at an Italian eatery for her untitled crime drama” “Mariska Hargitay and Harry Connick Jr. partied at Mardi Gras” “Fonzworth Bentley threw some shade” “she moved to his lap for the rest of the party” “a roller coaster of heart-stopping makeups and breakups” “Some guys just have it in them!” “it’s not always easy being queen” “still sassy at 79!”

 

InTouch

Kendall Jenner the Next Kim Kardashian? She will be if momager Kris Jenner gets her way. Kris wants to trot Kendall out in Kim’s old outfits. Kendall herself says, “if I could trade places with any of my sisters for a day, it would be Kim. The only time she sleeps is on the airplane. I feel bad for her, but I still want to know what it’s like.” Even Kim thinks this is a really bad idea for Kendall and Kylie, saying “I feel a little bit bad for my sisters. If there’s one thing I’m so thankful I have, it’s that privacy of pretty much my whole life until seven years ago.” If Kim Kardashian disapproves of your fame-whoring, you know you’ve gone too far.

Eva Longoria’s First Kiss: “I always remember it because the guy I kissed had Cheeto breath, and I remember the taste of Cheetos.”

Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon: Cannon says his wife “is the funniest person I know. She does voices. And she prank calls me a lot!” I love this couple. I can’t help it. I just want Mariah to be happy! “My wife is one of the strongest women I have ever met.” AWWWWW. He says Mariah cooks, and “her specialty is linguine and clam sauce.” At home she doesn’t wear makeup and ties up her hair. “I mean, you can’t be dolled up 24/7. Besides, she’s my wife, she really doesn’t need to be dolled up for me!” AWWWWW. He loves being a father, and says the couple shares diaper-changing duties. Hey Nick and Mimi, can I be your third child?

Phaedra Parks from The Real Housewives of Atlanta“If you’re gonna sell a video talking about bottoms, you need to have one that’s homegrown.”

Ke$ha: “Usually people around me say, ‘You smell weird – what’s that smell?’ I smell like a hobo. One time, someone told me I smelled like shrimp on a diaper.”

Misc/Etc: “I got banged.” “Snow was falling and the wind was blisteringly cold” “I wish I could feel the booze high that you have right now.” “does not like her dark story lines anymore” “dry and sultry, with hints of forbidden fruit” “hit her over the head with a wine bottle” “Did John Mayer actually put a ring on it?” “Banana Joe the monkey faced underdog” “No husband? No problem!” “Ryan Gosling manages to make stepping out for lunch into a broodingly sexy occasion” “people around me say ‘You’re disgusting!'” “Rihanna might think about dying her hair red again” “She’s terribly erratic” “When the teens finally arrived they were grumpy and unenthusiastic” “It would be about the adventures we go on!” “rescued fluffy kittens from a bag of trash” “ARE THESE BIG BUTTS REAL?”

Filed Under: Chris Brown, Gossip, Jennifer Lawrence, John Mayer, Justin Bieber, Kate Upton, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Molly's Magazines, Rihanna, Steve Martin, Tabloids

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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