Bradley Cooper Is a Student of the Tao of DiCaprio … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids
Bradley Cooper & Leonardo DiCaprio? “Bradley Cooper is getting a lesson in no-strings-attached hookups from Hollywood’s ultimate bachelor, Leonardo DiCaprio! The guys [both are 38 years old] got to know each other during awards season, and Leo took Bradley under his wing. Bradley was moaning about finding Mrs. Right. But Leo told him to chill out and enjoy all the beautiful women. Leo, who has romanced a string of catwalkers, explained his master plan to the Silver Linings Playbook hunk.” Leo says, “He’s going to date as many supermodels as possible before he’s 40, then he’ll settle down with a good woman.” Ohhh, good for yoooou! “Bradley’s been following his pal’s advice — good times with no committment.”
The Great American Novel: “Britney Spears perused the toy section at Walmart in her hometown of Kentwood, La., presumably for some lucky little girl.”
Russell Brand: “I think you could, for leisure reasons, use heroin and crack on a weekend.”
Kim Kardashian: The cover headline is “I’ll Eat As Much As I Want!” and says Kim “ignores dire health warnings” because she is “getting paid to binge on junk food.” The vain reality star has decided to have an “early C-section.”
Miley Cyrus: “FOCUSED ON MUSIC & MUSIC ALONE,” she tweeted. Loud and clear, Miley. The Girls In Hoodies love your new song.
Jessica Simpson’s Hair Falling Out: “She’s not going bald, but she’s starting to freak out. Her own locks are coming out in clumps.” It’s a hormonal change associated with pregnancy, but all those extensions probably didn’t help.
Matt Stone & Trey Parker: The South Park and Book of Mormon team is reportedly working on a musical about Scientology.
Lena Dunham: “I WANT TO BE PRETTY!” I really don’t think this story is factual but the headline is funny in a horrible way. It reminds me of I WANT TO LIVE! “The 26-year-old has posted numerous flattering ‘selfies’ on Twitter to garner compliments from followers, but some fans think she looks desperate and wonder if their idol is selling out.” She also posted a POV shot of her shoes while she was on the toilet, so I think we’re cool here.
Angelina Jolie Takes Her Engagement Ring Off: And replaced it with a “simple gold band.” It’s because she was visiting the Democratic Republic of Congo and Rwanda, and “didn’t want to wear a giant jewel while visiting one of the poorest places in the world. Angie thought it was tacky to have such conspicuous wealth when she is visiting a third world country on a charity mission.” True that. It’s always tacky to have conspicuous wealth. That’s why there are Real Housewives! Oh but the real reason is because she hates the ring Brad designed, because it’s tacky. “It’s so big and gaudy, just not her style at all. She tries to get out of wearing it as much as she can. Angie knows Brad spent a lot of time designing it for her, and she would never hurt his feelings by telling him she isn’t crazy about it. But she really doesn’t like the ring. She thinks it’s ugly.”
Misc/Etc: “Sharon Stone gave a terrific speech” “he’s come to realize he has an unquenchable thirst for women” “Every [unemployed] celeb with the gift of gab” “She tried to get a talk show on her own but didn’t get any bites” “she knows some are desperate for work, but she says she’s doing them all a favor” “screamed like a baby when swarmed by some overly friendly Macaws” “Bikini Bride?” “and a set of new breast implants” “What breakup?” “lingered at the turtle pond” “all the dolls you can carry!” “Pretty Little Texter” “Tom Cruise was all smiles” “Chris Rock played third wheel” “MAJOR TRUST ISSUES (He Wants An Open Relationship)” “He’s getting fatter and fatter and she is fed up” “He would like to have a family, but he loves women too much” “a solid, Southern family man” “Justin Bieber is now mothering a monkey”
What Other Time Periods Would Mad Men Stars Like To Do?
- Elisabeth Moss: “For purely superficial reasons, I’d love to do the 1930s, just because of the hair and the outfits — beautiful long, slinky, and sultry gowns!”
- Vincent Kartheiser: “The roaring ’20s. And the ’30s would be fun too because you could use that radio speaking voice. Everyone talked really fast, like Guys and Dolls: ‘Yeah, see here, Mr. Wise Guy. Or I’d like to do a real period piece, like the 1800s.” That is such a Pete Campbell answer!
- Jon Hamm: “It would be fun to do an Old West thing, like Deadwood. I’d like to be a cowboy and get dirty. It’s different.” We would also like you to be a cowboy and get dirty, Jon Hamm. Somebody put this guy in a Coen Brothers Western.
- Christina Hendricks: “I think the 1920s would be intriguing.”
- Jessica Paré: “Honestly, any time. I love working.” GOOD ANSWER, MEGAN!
Real Housewives Plastic Surgery Confessions
- Vicki Gunvalson (Orange County): “‘I’ve always felt like I’m not pretty enough,’ the fun-loving mom of 2, 51, confesses.” She was hurt when Slade Smiley referred to her as “Miss Piggy.” Recently “the divorced insurance-agency owner — who has had two breast augmentations — took action. Without telling her kids, she had a plastic surgeon inject her body fat into her face to erase wrinkles, thin her nose and insert a chin implant.” Ahhhhhh at “without telling her kids.” Gunvalson says, “I’m still numb — it’ll take a year to fully heal.” She looks exactly the same, by the way.
- Kyle Richards (Beverly Hills): “No nose unveiling party for this Richards sister!” That is a reference to how Kim Richards debuted her new nose on RHOBH. Kyle got a nosejob too though, natch, when she was a rich teenager. “My nose bothered me for a long time. The surgery made me feel better.” She also got lipo last year because “after having four kids, no matter what exercise I did, the love handles wouldn’t go away! I wanted to wear jeans and a tucked-in shirt and not feel self-conscious. I’m very happy with the results!” Well as long as you’re happy, Kyle.
- Lisa Hochstein (Miami): “At age 18, the former Playboy model upped her A-cups to Cs, but shoddy work left her breasts lopsided. Enter plastic surgeon husband Lenny Hochstein, who gave her new size-D implants in 2009.” Hochstein, “who also had a nose job,” claims “they look natural” and that her Botox use is “preventative.”
- Tamra Barney (Orange County): Barney got her breast implants reduced, from a DD down to a C, and then removed them entirely. She’s now a 34B, and says that she had hated the fact that her “breasts were the first thing everybody looked at.” With smaller breasts she says, “I feel more confident when I wear a low-cut shirt.”
- NeNe Leakes (Atlanta): “Gravity is no match for this Housewife,” who admits, “If anything falls, I pick it up!” Leakes, who is engaged to ex-husband Gregg Leakes, cops to “a breast lift, rhinoplasty, and liposuction.” She says “a little nip and tuck is OK” but only “as long as you don’t look plastic.” I miss NeNe’s old nose.
- Brandi Glanville (Beverly Hills): “After giving birth to two sons, Gianville tells Us her breasts “resembled tube socks with balls at the end.” She got B-cup implants at Eddie Cibrian’s request, since he “didn’t like big boobs.” She told the doctor “fill them out, but make them small.” The surgery didn’t keep Cibrian around, and after they split she stole his credit card “to pay for vaginal rejuvenation” figuring that since he “ruined” her vagina, he could “help pay for it.” The rejuvenation “was painful but I had very good results.” She loves Botox, and “smoothed a bump” on her nose “with injected fillers, known as liquid rhinoplasty.”
- Teresa Giudice (New Jersey): “Nursing three daughters took a toll on Giudice’s once perky A-cups.” She says, “After I breast-fed, they looked different. They were deflated. I was just a big nipple. I never liked how I looked in bathing suits.” Her husband, also a dirtbag, happens to prefer big boobs, so when Giudice got hers done she “pumped up the volume to C-cups.” She says “I feel much sexier!”
- Ramona Singer (New York): “I’m vain!” admits Singer, who says she doesn’t get plastic surgery but opts for a variety of superficial procedures. “Every few months she gets Dermapen, a $700 procedure that stimulates collagen using tiny needles.” She also does “SRA laser resurfacing ($2,000 a pop)” and “blasts cellulite with a $200 VelaShape heat and suction treatment.” Heat and suction? Don’t tell me.
Katy Perry & Zooey Deschanel: The doe-eyed, dark-haired doppelgängers celebrated Easter together at a dinner organized by Perry as part of her plan to get over John Mayer as soon as possible (rather than under or on top of — never again). The group, which included Deschanel, Nicole Richie, and Ryan Murphy, wore “pink pastel bunny ears” at the Petit Ermitage in West Hollywood. Hopefully they dished the tea. Zooey brought her boyfriend, screenwriter Jamie Linden. Katy has been subtweeting John Mayer by posting depressing heartbroken-by-a-cad songs like Tegan and Sara’s “I Was A Fool” and Tristan Prettyman’s “I Was Gonna Marry You.” Maybe Zooey’s boyfriend can set Katy up with a regular (for a writer) dude.
Ed Sheeran & Taylor Swift: “I’ve been trying to get her to watch Lord of the Rings. It’s not working!” Ed Sheeran, in Taylor Swift’s friend zone forever and always.
Sarah Jessica Parker vs. Candace Bushnell: “After original Carrie Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker, 48, called Sex and the City prequel The Carrie Diaries ‘odd,’ Candace Bushnell (who wrote the books that inspired both shows) hit back. Parker, she sniped, got her start as the third Annie on Broadway: ‘Her first part was somebody’s else’s.'” The claws will come out tomorrow!
Things You Don’t Know About Jon “Duckie” Cryer (Excerpted)
- “I did not name my dog Charlie, after Charlie Sheen.”
- “I played Lex Luthor’s nephew Lenny Luthor in Superman IV”
- “I collect Russian space program memorabilia”
- “I got beat up by a girl named Vanessa in fifth grade.”
- “I’m neither Jewish nor Republican, no matter what my Wikipedia entry says.”
- “My first film was Robert Altman’s O.C. & Stiggs” [Editor's note: GREAT MOVIE!]
- “My first job on Broadway was as Matthew Broderick’s understudy in Brighton Beach Memoirs.”
- “My second Broadway job was replacing Matthew in Torch Song Trilogy.”
- “I got offered my third Broadway job replacing Matthew in Biloxi Blues.”
- “I’ve never actually worked with Matthew Broderick.”
Jeremy Piven & Prince Harry: They met while out clubbing (naturally) and Prince Harry called Piven by his Entourage character name, “Ari.” Piven says, “It was both awkward and thrilling. Do you correct him? I think he thinks it was a documentary.” IT WAS A DOCUMENTARY, ARI!
Sacha Baron Cohen & Isla Fisher: She says, “It’s definitely not a normal relationship. There are surreal conversations: ‘Are you wanted in any states? Are you alive?'”
Paul Rudd’s Facial Hair: “I’m like Madonna. I like to change it every year. I reinvent myself.” He’s shooting Anchorman: The Legend Continues.
Shiri Appleby: Don’t feel too bad for Natalia from Girls — she is engaged to Jon Shook, one of the “food dudes” from L.A.’s carnivore-centric Animal restaurant. They just had a daughter named … Natalie.
Tina Fey on Motherhood: “They grow so fast. They’re like sea monkeys.”
Hollywood’s Secret Blondes
- Sofia Vergara, the “brunette bombshell” on Modern Family, is really a blonde. She has said Americans are confused by the fact that she Latina and naturally blonde, because they are so locked into Latina stereotypes.
- Amy Adams is not a redhead! But we love her anyway. She claims she dyed her hair red because she “was a terrible blonde!”
- Leighton Meester dyed her hair brown to play Blair Waldorf, all the better to contrast with co-star/rival Blake Lively’s summery blondeness.
- Emma Stone went ginger after “Judd Apatow suggested the actress, 24, try crimson for her role in Superbad. It stuck!” I honestly only like her a redhead. How is Christina Hendricks not on this list? She’s a natural blonde gone red as well. Fake redheads are fine and all, but if you didn’t have to suffer playground taunting, you have earned no actual ginger street cred, and will not be invited to our Illuminati meetings.
Misc/Etc: “MY MOVIE LIPLOCK FLOP” “inspired by the heroines of film noir” “he put his hand on her swollen stomach” “she’d like magazines to blur her dog Hugo’s face” “It was literally like two dogs licking each other” “a spare bra and her vibrator” “Although…I’m still single” “Is Nicki Too Mean?” “bite hot chicks every day” “Spears girls get spiritual!” “It’s electric!” “Ryan Reynolds picked up Burger King” “I never get tired of playing dress-up” “The Good Times Grohl!” “not stressing” “They looked at the rustic pieces” “Ben Affleck is thrilled to have another male in the family” “Yes she got to straddle Channing Tatum” “bribe the girls with ice cream sandwiches”
Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger Will “Make The Perfect Wife” According To Patti Stanger: “My dream was always to be a ’50s housewife. Women were way more cherished back then.” Girl. Stop. Did she have “sex before monogamy” as she advises against? Nope. “We had sex on the sixth date but first we had a conversation about being exclusive. As long as you get the verbal agreement, you’re fine.” NO WAY, GET THAT SHIT IN WRITING. She rates sex with boyfriend David Krausse as a “ten!” of course. She loves him because “he challenges me — and he’s the man in the relationship. I’ve never had that before. I call the shots all day at work and I’m exhausted.” She says that when they fight, he wins because “I cave.” Healthy! They “both like cleanliness. We take showers together every morning and have karaoke sing-offs in there.” OK. She talks about her plastic surgery, but I’m so bored of hearing about how much plastic surgery costs, so let’s just skip it. Patti thinks it took her so long to find her soul mate because she’s adopted. “I think I picked guys who would abandon me so I wouldn’t be accountable. It’s unconscious, but you pick the wrong people on purpose. I also like bad boys — I do admit to that.” She’s not sure if they’ll have kids (Krausse already has two), because they “wonder if we’re too old. But everyone’s pressuring me — they’re worse than my mother!” She is still deciding whether to get married on TV. She is a self-proclaimed “jewelry whore” who loves Cartier. She never Googles herself because she’s too sensitive, but admits “I google everybody else, though!” Here’s the best part: the biggest celebrity who’s ever flirted with her? “I don’t know if it was flirting, but Leonardo DiCaprio stopped me at a Lakers game and told me my show was his favorite.” YES.
Terrifying Photocomposite Of Royal Baby: Not just as a baby, but as an adult. “Will and Kate’s child will likely have Mom’s dimples” according to MIT genetics student Jenny Chen, who made the horrific illustration.
Jared Leto’s Ear: “Someone cut their ear off and sent it to me … a whole ear. The Van Gogh move. The note just said ‘Are you listening?’ I poked a hole in it and wore it as a necklace!” Can you imagine how embarrassed Angela Chase must eventually have been to have ever had it so bad for Jordan Catalano? Sigh.
Sarah Silverman: “Well, it happened. My boyfriend walked in while I was looking through my legs at my vagina in the mirror.”
Beyoncé’s Dad Admits To Tension: “This was not a normal ending of a business agreement,” he says of his daughter’s decision to replace him with Jay-Z as her manager. “This was a dad and a daughter, and it was incredibly painful.” While it coincided with her marriage to Jay-Z, it’s pretty much known that Bey fired Matthew Knowles primarily because he was caught cheating on her mom Tina Knowles.
Misc/Etc: “Molly’s pared-down look is pretty, but with that killer body (at 52!) and her pup, Giggy, serving as an adorable accessory, Lisa has this one in the bag” “GRUMPY CAT” “he killed an alligator on national TV, then joked about turning it into loafers” “Suri was dressing up as different princesses and enjoying every minute of it!” “a fierce case of bed head” “sports a teeny-weeny bikini while frolicking on the beach with her 6-foot-6 boxer boyfriend” “Two visions in white!” “Changing To Save Her Relationship” “drinking more and more at odd times” “stressed and skinny” “Ono, not again!” “I wore wallpaper” “FAMOUS FELINE!”
Carrie Underwood Not A Fan of Being 30: “It just sounds so weird to say ‘I’m 30.’ I don’t feel old or think being 30 is old, I just don’t feel like saying I’m in my 30s.” How did she spend the dreaded day? “I spent my 30th birthday eating cake by myself” because she told her husband Mike Fisher that she “didn’t want to do anything.” She says there is no feud between her and Taylor Swift, citing sisterhood. “People love girl drama. There’s not that many females in the business; there are way more men. It’s a lot harder to make it so, if anything, we should all be supportive. A feud just makes for good headlines, I guess.” True that, Carrie Underwood.
Snooki: “I’m still a meatball, just a slender one, I guess.”
Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush: They are both expecting, with their respective new partners Kanye West and Lilit Avagyan (a total Kim look-alike). Kanye doesn’t love the exes catching up, since he “knows Reggie was always Kim’s ‘one great love’ and the only guy she listened to before he came along.” Kanye, jealous?
Teen Mom Farrah: “The aspiring model and actress, who is the mother of 4-year-old Sophia, has previously defended her right to go out and have a good time, arguing that being a mom is stressful.”
Misc/Etc: “The skirt is too full for mommy-to-be Kim” “maybe the most fun couple we’ve ever worked with” “(her black bikini under wraps)” “I shouldn’t put it out there but I could see us living here one day” “SHE’S A BAG LADY!” “Tom Cruise pressed the flesh” “Black Sabbath chic!” “DISSING YOUR EX IN PUBLIC” “There are always two sides to every story” “The critics were so nasty” “racy party photos” “She thought she had put her nightmare behind her” “It was incredibly emotional” “I’ll always love and respect her” “THEY ALL DRESS UP FOR BRITNEY” “I want her to fire lasers out of her fingertips and to have a spaceship” “access that emotion”