Bottle Fights, Lizards, Snooki’s Devil Child … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Us

Chris Brown/Rihanna/Drake: “Chris Brown was soaking in the revelry” at W.I.P. with his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. He “sent a bottle of Ace of Spades champagne to Drake,” who sent it it back with a note reading “I am fucking the love of your life.” Thus began a bottle fight, which ended with Brown’s cutting his chin and Tony Parker scratching his cornea. “They tore the club apart” and started “a bloody melee” fighting about Rihanna, who is on her Cleopatra shit. She even got a new ankle tattoo of an Egyptian falcon shaped like a gun. Rihanna heard about it and “was cracking up. Men fighting over her? Please. She loves the drama!” A friend of Brown’s says, “These guys are fighting over Rihanna. She is the dude in this sitch and they are acting like girls.” Yes, because men never have petty catfights (LOL).

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom: “They will chronicle their saga to conceive on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Konceive.

Snooki: “You still want to feel pretty even when you feel gross, right?” The pregnant reality star has received tweets saying, “You should have an abortion” and prank phone calls suggesting that her “baby was going to be retarded.” She “got bullied a lot in high school” and therefore has a “thick skin.” She bought the baby “a communion outfit: a white tuxedo with a matching hat. It’s very Ne-Yo.” She says, “I don’t regret my partying or getting blacked out. It was awesome! But now it’s time to be a parent.” More quotes from Snook about pregnancy sex: “I read that your baby can feel your orgasm. What does he think it is? Does he see like, rainbows and unicorns?” Another: “I’ll be having sex in my dream — and when I wake up, I’m actually having sex. Jionni’s, like, doing it with me as I’m sleeping.” OK, ONE more: “The baby is probably horny. That little creep.”

Wynonna Judd’s wedding: Her husband’s name is Cactus. Cool! “He’s my John Wayne. When I saw him in his badass jacket with his .44 Magnum, I melted.”

Rob Lowe on meeting Tom Cruise during 1983′s The Outsiders: Tom was “open, friendly, funny, with an almost robotic, bloodless focus and an intensity that I’ve never encountered before.”

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis: The couple are “keeping it casual.” They’ve been spotted “around Hollywood on his motorcycle” and “sharing meals,” and are “not exclusive, but they are hanging out and seeing where it’s going. They’ve been hot for each other for years. It stretches back to when they were friends on the show!” Something about fictional sitcom couples getting together in real life years after the show ends is kind of incredibly satisfying, even if Ashton Kutcher is involved.

Britney Spears and Mitt Romney: Mittney! “Brit and Mitt have something in common: the state of the art $55,000 Phantom Park car elevator.” And stiff folksiness!

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen: On the prospect of a romantic reunion, Denise says, “I don’t think so. I’m way too old for him. He likes 20 year olds.”

Would Olivia Munn Ever Strip? “Never! I’d have an awkward look on my face. Picking up dollars and crying!”

Robert Pattinson: “I don’t understand who invented that thing, ‘R-Patz.’ I want to strangle them.”

Teen Mom‘s Catelynn: Not pregnant, despite last week’s reports. “If it floats your boat to make up lies so you can sell stories, whatever. But it’s kind of dumb to make up stuff that isn’t true. Next week I’ll be dating Waka Flocka Flame!” Her actual boyfriend, Tyler (not The Creator), says, “the max he can parent is three, and after that he’s getting snipped.” She wants to “get married in a castle.”

Hugh Grant: “Like a lot of middle-aged men, I have turned to fast cars to amuse myself. And like a lot of middle-aged men, I’m very bad at it.”

Misc/Etc: “dyed by hand to a dusty silver-blue” “dramatic train” “Amber is in the slammer” “still feisty” “I once lived on an Indian Reservation” “I love lemons and eat them whole” “a Rush cover band” “crooked bowl cut” “1978 Camaro Z28″ “crawled in the mud in $500 boots” “channelled Betsy Ross” “Paul McCartney rocked cool Birkenstocks” “his diaper changing is already professional level” “He’s always complaining about how girls in Hollywood only care about the glitz and glamour” “It’s important to me that a man is good at taking care of people” “pointing out cakes” “I don’t want to have that type of reputation” “I don’t want to be big and huge” “old-timey and Southern” “if you want to know what death feels like, try it!”

Star

Katy Perry and Robert Ackroyd: “Is Katy Perry about to make the same mistake twice?” She’s been looking for homes with her new boyfriend. “At first Katy wasn’t sure because he’s got such a ladies’ man reputation [sound familiar?] and only recently split from his ex. But he insisted he’d put his bad-boy ways behind him to be with her. Rob even went so far as to take out his iPhone and delete the numbers of every single ex-girlfriend in front of Katy.” That sounds insane? “He told her he just really wanted to be with her all the time and that would be all fun and no drama. She was so taken with the gesture that she agreed to do it.” She has said that her ex Russell Brand became “unbearably petty” during their marriage. “She can’t wait to put this horrible year behind her and go forward with this amazing guy by her side.”

Kim Kardashian’s Web of Lies: “Kim Kardashian’s day of reckoning has arrived.” While she blamed Kris Humphries’s temper for the dissolution of their marriage, sources say SHE’s the one with the unstoppable anger. “She would pound her fists on his chest and throw sharp objects off her nightstand at him. It could have escalated into a scary situation.” And she hates her fans! She once texted Humphries that her “audience is a bunch of boring little nobodies” and “imbeciles.” Plus she cheats. “While she was engaged to Kris, she fooled around with Kanye on a yacht. It was a crazy, sexually charged night — and she told a friend it was the best sex she ever had.” She’s also a “plastic surgery addict” with “a serious pill-popping habit.” Valley of the Butts! “She’s taking Valium and sleeping pills.”

Drew Barrymore’s Bad Honeymoon: “Days after they wed he turned down a bedroom romp!” During their Big Sur honeymoon a heavily pregnant Drew felt “totally rejected because Will wouldn’t have sex with her. She was hoping for some hardcore romance and telling friends that pregnancy has made her want sex more than ever.” She laid out “scented candles and massage oils,” but “when Drew started kissing and cuddling Will, he pushed her away.” She “accused Will of not being interested anymore now that she’s carrying his child.” They ended up having a huge fight. “Drew has gone out of her way to stay in shape, but she’s insecure about how bloated she feels. It was not a great start to their married life together.”

Taylor Swift’s Wild New BFF: “Taylor Swift works hard to protect her angelic image,” but new friend and “ex crack addict” Roxy Olin (formerly of MTV’s The City) “has landed in rehab twice, once for using OxyContin and again for crack and ecstasy.” Olin has admitted, “I crashed three cars while I was high. I had my stomach pumped three times, but I used the next day.” Olin is now sober.

Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman: “Annie and Adam have been bickering a lot lately. It all started when she went on those radical diets for Les Misérables. They made her moody and irritable.” Her fiancé is also “really upset, because they were on this family track and now all Anne can talk about is work.” Patti Stanger chimes in as always to say “putting her career before her guy will end up costing Anne her relationship.” I feel like Patti Stanger hates herself so much for being ambitious.

Lindsay Lohan vs. Grant Bowler: “Troubled starlet Lohan is clashing with her Liz & Dick costar Grant Bowler. Apparently she was biased against Grant from the beginning, having delusionally believed her own star power was worthy of leading men like Gerard Butler, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Wahlberg, and even Brad Pitt. Consequently she’s been so mean to Grant that her comeback is in jeopardy.” Her comeback is probably more in jeopardy from all the drinking-and-driving accidents.

Kate Middleton: “Duchess Kate fit in with the proletariat by throwing a foam javelin.”

Leonardo DiCaprio and Erin Heatherton: “Leo has been a real holdout when it comes to getting married. But with a girl like Erin who has beauty, brains, and can shoot hoops, he may finally have found his future wife!” Don’t hold your breath, Erin. There’s a lot more Victoria’s Secret models in their early twenties where you came from. Leo keeps getting older, his girlfriends seem to stay the same age.

Johnny Depp Falls Off a Horse: “It has become a problem for Johnny. He wants to do all his own stunts, but he’s been falling off his horse so often that producers worry he’s going to permanently damage his tailbone.”

Misc/Etc: “bossy bad girl” “Forget the ring!” “Artists Against Drugs” “Total Surfing God” “Snakes Alive!” “prematurely aged” “not an inch to pinch!” “her prosthetic leg” “not getting any younger!” “distracts attention from her crazy eyes” “a little Botox won’t kill you!” “going ugly” “ropey dopey” “Tom Cruise’s comical perfect bastard child” “everyone from Lil’ Jon to Jimmy Buffett” “I would like to punch her in the face” “She recites each line as if she’s on Broadway” “the dominant businessman” “curbing her appetite” “battery dies mid-text” “looking back at high school photos nostalgically, wishing you still had the body you didn’t even appreciate at the time!” “mommy doesn’t even have to put down her bevvie” “hot guys don’t come along every day” “He wants her back, but she doesn’t care anymore.” “Rihanna has the stunning face that launched a thousand bottles”

In Touch

Adele’s Demons: “Abandoned by her alcoholic father at age 3 and forced to move from place to place in a rough section of London with her struggling single mom, Adele’s childhood was anything but idyllic.” She says if she saw her father today she would “spit in his face.” She “began drinking at an early age. Midway through her first tour, she reportedly had a drinking problem.” Her “first love was a bisexual boy who broke her fragile heart by cheating,” but “she loved the drama surrounding boys who treated her badly.” Can she date Rihanna? Adele was also bullied as a kid about her weight. “She had a fairly good self-image and seemed to handle it okay on the surface, but I’m sure it bothered her on a deep emotional level.” New boyfriend Simon Konecki apparently “loves Adele for who she is.”

Casper Smart’s Friend Josh Warns J.Lo: “Casper is a snake,” says Josh Ayers, who worked as a dancer with Smart at club Boulevard3. Smart “walked out on his then-girlfriend of two years, choreographer Aisha Francis, after she landed him a dream job dancing backup for Jennifer. After Aisha let Casper move into her San Fernando Valley home, the pair went through a brief rough patch. But Aisha had no idea what was happening right under her nose until she turned on the TV one day and watched in shock as she learned that Casper had moved on with J.Lo.” Josh and Casper’s friendship broke up over a blog. “Casper is a great self-promoter, but his talent is questionable. He just got lucky.” Josh says Casper always expertly “manipulates women to get what he wants” and that “Jennifer is getting played if she really believes Casper’s Prince Charming act. Before he met J.Lo, Casper was always saying that he was never having kids. It’s fishy that all of a sudden he does. If I was J.Lo’s friend I would be concerned. He’s willing to do whatever Jennifer wants as long as it furthers his own career.” Seems like it’s working!

Jennifer Lawrence: “My run is so weird. I do karate hands!”

Justin Theroux Loves Jennifer Aniston: “I always go to bed thinking I’m the luckiest guy in the world.” Nothing cynical to report here; that’s just very sweet.

Misc/Etc: “A bit dowdy” “a little red” “flaunt your hot new bod” “Dude, you forgot to blend” “went to Skrillex’s barber” “Fried chicken and cornbread” “She’s scared he’ll distance himself from her” “Dad I’d Like to Friend” “extra-ordinarily expressive” “she doesn’t want to be a fat bride!” “at a friend’s bat mitzvah” “the reality of losing the weight has proved more difficult than she anticipated” “He wants to embarrass her the way he feels she embarrassed him” “she seems to thrive on conflict” “it’s like she’s on cloud nine” “her boobs are bigger than ever!” “She’s so emotional, she doesn’t want to go to the gym” “all of the responsibilities Jessica has as the family breadwinner” “Cap’n Crunch, banana pudding pie” “bit by the fame bug.” “a simple hashtag, #LOVE” “she likes her men rich and famous” “chug three Red Bulls” “She’s hoping a baby will fix everything” “turn into a garbage disposal”

OK!

Philip Seymour Hoffman: “You do Death of a Salesman, you’re supposed to win the Tony, but you don’t, just like Philip Seymour Hoffman. So you wear bad shorts and commiserate with your daughters.” At least he’s not wearing a beanie and there are no readily visible stains on his shirt.

Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest: “It’s so funny! We are in my sister’s car in Nashville, blasting One Direction songs.”

School Dress Codes: “After administrators banned bare midriffs and miniskirts at Stuyvesant High School in NYC, students at the elite high school staged a scantily-clad one-day protest called Slutty Wednesday.”

Kim and Kanye: “Controlling Kanye West is like taming a tsunami — it’s impossible. The music megastar fashion designer film director — have we left anything out? — is one of pop culture’s loosest nukes.” He is over Kris Jenner’s “meddling mother” ways and “wants no part of the Kardashian invasion. They’re a force — a gang, kind of. They swoop in and dominate, and Kanye won’t be dominated.” C’mon, Kanye, let yourself be dominated! 50 Shades of Kanye! “Kris thinks Kim has lost her mind on Kanye and that it’s hormonal; they have crazy sexual chemistry. The family likes him, but thinks Kim is moving way too fast. It’s not like Kanye’s forbidding her to see her family. He just wants her to see much more of him, since he’s her future — and much less of them — since they are soon going to be her past.” MY PRESENCE IS THE PRESENT KISS MY ASS.

Rihanna’s Nip Slip: “Not that she would ever try to draw attention to herself or anything, but Rihanna opted to stroll around NYC’s SoHo and West Village neighborhoods wearing nothing upstairs but what appeared to be a lacy transparent bra. Amazingly, even hip New Yorkers acted like out-of-town tourists and gawked at the Battleship diva as she poked in and out of shops and checked out some flowers in her latest over the top look.” O NA NA. Don’t hate!

Lorenzo Lamas’s Lizard: “His personality is kind of like mine. He’s a bit aloof and very independent,” says Lamas of pet lizard Lil D. “He likes people and is very comfortable with large audiences praising him. He loves the sun. Shawna and I think he is affectionate because he likes to be handled and never bites. I never thought a reptile could have a personality. I thank my wife for wearing me out about getting him. Lil D has given me a new outlook on cold-blooded creatures.”

Misc/Etc: “dancing in the street and impeding traffic” “showed herself off in an abbreviated bikini” “did what Swedish models do” “you slimy cheating weasel” “giving us the shoulder and we like it!” “the reportedly uninvited ousted former housewife!” “endless glasses of white wine” “Ryan Gosling dishes up some tongue” “I’M EXPECTING LOADS…OF LOVE!” “I call myself fake skinny” “dying prostitute” “ultimate computer nerd” “Leave ‘em wanting more!” “accidentally bopped on the head” “designer stripper shoes” “sunshine yellow with splashes of pink” “the couple smeared cake on each other” “the historic Cooper House in Myrtle Beach” “he was very present through it all” “the reality empress”

Filed Under: Adele, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen, Chris Brown, Drake, Jennifer Lopez, Johnny Depp, Justin theroux, Kanye West, Kate Middleton, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Leonardo Dicaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Mila Kunis, Molly's Magazines, Rihanna, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert