Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’s Creepazoid Wedding … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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Us Weekly

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: “With its 300-year-old moss-draped oak trees and stately, columned mansion, the Boone Hall Plantation & Gardens in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, is a favorite venue for couples tying the knot. But it wasn’t just the charming post-and-rail fences and lush lawns that appealed to the couple saying ‘I do’ there September 9th.”

Was it the historic slave quarters then? Boone Hall’s website seriously boasts about the “eight original slave cabins” and the road in front of the plantation property is quaintly named “Slave Street.” I personally find the whole idea of getting married at a Southern plantation totally tacky and repulsive on a soul level, but hey, I’m not Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.

The plantation setting “provided the charm, elegance, and magic of times past” according to the wedding planner, who has apparently never studied American history. “Everyone always knew they would get married.” That’s because Ryan Reynolds rivals Ross Geller for inability to date somebody for five seconds without it turning into an engagement. He is a commitmentphile, or just extremely codependent, although the relationships never seem to go all that deep. Reynolds was formerly engaged to Alanis Morisette (38), and then married Scarlett Johansson (27) for two years, before this quickie wedding to Lively (25). The girls keep getting younger, but Ryan Reynolds stays the same age. At this rate he will be marrying Miley Cyrus on Mars by next fall. You may remember that Lively was dating Leonardo DiCaprio approximately five celebrity-relationship seconds ago.

Lively’s sister Teen Witch Robyn Lively attended, as did Florence Welch (sans The Machine). In order to assure privacy the wedding planners “swathed Cotton Dock, the historic riverside barn used for both the ceremony and reception, in white muslin.” So they threw a Klan hood on the barn, essentially. YIKES. Reynolds wore “custom leather suspenders” as a children’s choir serenaded the couple down the aisle. “Afterward the crowd lingered for a carnival-theme cocktail hour with a shabby-chic vibe.” The wedding-industrial complex is seriously out of control. It’s a goddamn recession, let’s not pretend there’s anything remotely shabby or chic about a plantation event wedding with a $10,000 cake. “Ryan and Blake wanted the event to look and feel like home.” Which is weird considering neither one grew up on a plantation, and Reynolds is Canadian. The guests ate something called “crusted gray triggerfish,” which sounds horrific. And as befits a dumb over-the-top wedding in 2012, there were mason jars. Pictures of Blake’s wedding dress and the aforementioned mason jars will surely overrun and break Pinterest. Did we mention they’ve been dating less than a year and possibly first hooked up during The Green Lantern, when Reynolds was still very much married to ScarJo? “Ryan loves the comfort Blake provides. It’s like ‘You were on the cover of Vogue and you want to cook me dinner? Yes please!'” Wow that quote is almost grosser than getting married on a plantation. Blake has said she wants “30 children.” I’m not a betting woman and I’m not trying to be incredibly cynical here but I predict this union breaks down long before hitting the 30-children mark. Fuck a plantation.

Amy Poehler & Will Arnett: “Earlier this year, the Parks and Recreation star, 41, told Us, ‘My children are perfect — and they’ve gotten all their good stuff from Will.'” The couple announced their split on September 6, after nine years of marriage. “It’s very amicable” according to a source. “The past few months have been rough for them, but I don’t think anybody in their circle saw this coming.” So what is the reason behind the shocking separation that rocked Tumblr to its emotional core? Perhaps this quote about co-parenting from Arnett will reveal some clues: “You have no life, except for your kids, which is the best kind of life.” I detect sarcasm. Or maybe they were both just doing too much. “The pair’s breakout success — both are nominated for Emmys — came at a cost. As Poehler logged long hours on Parks, Arnett began a schedule he described as ‘insane,’ filming Arrested Development on weekends and Up All Night during the week. Which left no time for date nights, he admitted, telling Us ‘It’s hard.'” Hopefully no new damning details leak out. But this story won’t die easily, as Arnett and Poehler “will navigate co-parenting while working on the same NBC lot.”

Bradley Cooper: “I don’t drink or do drugs at all anymore.” He quit cold turkey at age 29 after “he once purposely bashed his head on a concrete floor while wasted.” He was probably just trying to get the lampshade off. “He takes his sobriety seriously.” The big reason is, “I realized I wasn’t going to live up to my potential. It scared the hell out of me. Being sober helps a great deal.”

Britney Spears & Jason Trawick: A source says of Spears’s co-conservator and fiancé, “He has no life. The relationship is his career too.”

Mindy Kaling’s Celeb Crush: “I have taste in men like an adolescent girl. I embarrassingly love blond men — hot pinups like Chris Evans and Chris Pine. I feel like people expect me to have an edgy choice, like Justin Theroux, and I’m like, Nope. I want Captain America!” I’m not sure Theroux qualifies as “edgy” just by virtue of having dark hair and wearing a lot of leather jackets. He’s still incredibly normatively hot and tall. “Edgy” would be like crushing on Werner Herzog or Chief Keef. Although if you’re down for edgy blond men there’s always Philip Seymour Hoffman. Team PSH!

Colin Farrell & Love: “If someone came along tomorrow, I’d be so up for it. I’d be writing bad poems, the works.” Come on, I bet the poems would be good. And I am not just saying that so Colin Farrell will write me a love poem for my birthday today (come on, do it).

Jessica Simpson: “I’m a mom now. I’m not a supermodel. My body is not bouncing back like a supermodel.”

Drake: “I would love to work with Justin Timberlake! I would love to do a song with Sade!” I cherish Sade.

Eva Longoria: The 37-year-old actress “will open a female-friendly steak house SHe, in Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? Somebody invite me to the opening so I can find out. Seriously though, what?

Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Despite Stewart’s public proclamation that the former couple is “totally fine,” she may just have been projecting her own wishful thinking. “He’s leaning towards not taking her back. I think he’s done with her now.” Stewart has “flooded his voice mail with remorseful messages. She calls and texts him saying how much she misses him. She’s being really aggressive and isn’t ready to let go.” Should’ve thought of that a little earlier perhaps. “She’s really ashamed of what happened.” Pattinson still loves Stewart and “wants to forgive her but he just can’t do it. He’s so humiliated by what she did.”

Misc/Etc: “Men like long hair” “She wouldn’t stop talking to herself!” “I put work before him” “They chose to ignore me” “Hooking up with the help” “Too young to tweet?” “My dog follows me everywhere, even into the shower” “I’ll grab a racket, then beat you” “I’m a name-dropper!” “I’ve baked a cake on a plane” “BFF Katy Perry spanked her butt!” “pompadour party time!” “Weight war!” “New man, new look!” “a Beantown cop” “the PDA-prone pair” “I took the duck phone!” “She wants to share everything with him” “She doesn’t miss the gilded cage” “grabbing pizza slices” “She loves having an apartment where she can go up to the roof” “He’s quite the Casanova” “mascara-streaked tears and BFF betrayals” “He’s different from the bad boys” “She has a new guy every week” “I’m such a closeted pop star”

Star


Scarlett Johansson & Jared Leto: “Political activism brings the two ex-lovers back together.” Are the couple “ready for a second term?” At the Democratic National Convention “Scarlett and Jared held hands constantly and she kept resting her head on his shoulder. They were flirtatious and extremely affectionate. It was completely inappropriate behavior for a woman in a relationship.” Scarlett’s PR rep claims it was “very innocent” and that ScarJo’s boyfriend Nate Naylor has nothing to worry about. But is that really true? “Scarlett’s fixation on Jared has long frustrated Nate.” How does she feel about Nate Naylor’s Tumblr that’s mostly pictures of boobs? “Scarlett is still dating Nate.” But he wasn’t happy about her coziness with Leto. “This is definitely going to cause a rift in their relationship.”

Kim Kardashian Loves Fur Eyelashes: Kimmy claimed that “fake lashes are so not her thing and that her boyfriend Kanye West, 35, prefers a more natural look.” Too bad her lashes are actually eyelash extensions made of mink. “Kim is not only for wearing mink clothing, she actually has the animal fur attached to her body. Kim’s eyes look great — they are always perfect, but they are definitely not natural.” This chick would wear maggots if she thought they’d make her look hot.

Brad Pitt’s Boozy Escape From His Family: On location in England and dealing with reshoots of World War Z, which has turned into even more of a disaster movie than originally planned, Pitt has been spotted getting sauced in the land of pubs. “Let’s get some beers” he told a friend, asking the barkeep for “something that tastes like Budweiser.” Brad and his friend “were also given a bowl of chips, which Brad munched on with reckless abandon.” Presumably the same skill at munching with reckless abandon with which he was able to land Angelina Jolie. “It was funny, because the room was so quiet. They were both speaking in hushed voices, but every 30 seconds there’d be this loud crunch from Brad.”

Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez: “Justin Bieber has scores of female admirers, but now his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, is giving the Biebs a taste of his own medicine!” Gomez has been flirting with her Feed the Dog costar Nat Wolff. “Selena says she loves the attention Nat gives her and that they’ve grown close but only in a brother/sister kind of way.” Bieber was also rumored to be jealous of Gomez’s close friendship with her Spring Breakers costar James Franco. “Justin is very jealous of Nat. He was furious after hearing Selena tell a friend that Nat is a good kisser. After that Justin showed up constantly on set to send the message to Nat that Selena is taken.” Selena rolled her eyes. “She’s made it clear that Justin had better chill out and trust her, or she’s leaving him!”

Mariah Carey’s Jack Russell Terrier: Its name is “Jill E. Beans.” That is all.

Prince Harry Still Hung-over From Las Vegas: “The truth is, no one knows if Harry remembers what happened that night.” EXCEPT FOR HARRY. It’s like Memento.

LeAnn Rimes: “She’s abusing laxatives and constantly forcing herself to throw up after eating.” It’s just another part of her creepy relationship with husband Eddie Cibrian. “She says that Eddie loves skinny women and would never want to be with a woman who wasn’t tiny.” A waitress who served Rimes recently said “she ordered nothing but steamed peas for dinner” and the server then “heard her throw up” in the bathroom right afterward. “She came out and cried, explaining she had to do it — otherwise she couldn’t eat dessert with Eddie and still stay skinny.” Ahhhhhhh. “LeAnn, listen to your friends. No man is worth the damage you’re doing to yourself, so stop the madness!”

Gwen Stefani on Fame’s Hazards: “Everyone’s so judged the whole time.”

Did Jessica Simpson Really Lose 40 Pounds? “That she lost 40 lbs. is hard to believe, but she might just have been bigger than we all ever imagined.” Simpson has been wearing “two pairs of full-body Spanx” constantly. “She even sleeps in them — too embarrassed to let her fiancé Eric Johnson see her without them.” Ugh.

Patti Stanger: “Pushing for proposals doesn’t work.” Tell that to Blake Lively!

Misc/Etc: “WHITE HOT MESS!” “You could say the same for her spine” “letting a few lucky customers crawl into bed with him” “not for this A-list baby!” “Crazy ex-girlfriend alert!” “caught her high heel in a grate” “Towel boy” “What part of ‘girls’ night’ don’t they get?” “when her hated boyfriend sauntered in” “showed their displeasure by jumping in the pool topless” “He won’t stand to have his woman disrespected” “Their trashy ways will continue to live on in memories” “Stock up on blue onesies and toy trucks!” “Don’t get into a love triangle or you could lose both of them!” “Get thin or I’m gone!” “Slimmed down or Spanxed up?” “SEXY OR SICK?” “looks crazy curvy and claims she’s psyched” “dark, oak-and-brass spots Ol’ Blighty is known for” “four new faces and we’re not just talking about facelifts!” “A cabin in the mountains where I can quietly unwind.” “I am my last priority” “When life becomes mundane”

InTouch

Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz? “TomCam? Cameron Diaz had a very special guest by her side as she celebrated her 40th birthday” in London. Tom Cruise! “They’re very close. She thinks Tom is awesome.” Penelope Cruz was also there, which basically makes it a Vanilla Sky reunion, just like my augmented dreams. “Cameron is totally Tom’s type — A-list, stunning and strong. I think they’ve hooked up in the past. They have crazy good chemistry.” While I can see Cameron being so bummed out about losing her BFF Drew Barrymore to the institutions of marriage and childbirth that she gets quickie hitched to someone, I’m not sure it will be Tom Cruise. Cameron is far too driven by sex and Cruise by the desire for spawn.

Kristen Stewart at TIFF: “Gone were her signature grungy tomboy makeup and perma-scowl” as she showed up on the red carpet in a floral dress and “radiant makeup” with “a big smile (teeth and all!).” But the new look is “a calculated move. The old Kristen was moody and closed off. The new Kristen is smiling, shaking hands, and signing autographs. She’s desperate to be liked again.” I actually liked the old Kristen just fine and found her refusal to smile in public refreshing.

Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy: “They’re on a break. They’re leading separate lives.” While Frankel has kept the split under wraps, she recently let it slip that she and daughter Bryn “had a magical summer. We spent the last six weeks in the Hamptons laying on the beach. Jason was in the city working, and it was nice. He came on the weekends. It was good for me, because I was ready to crack.” Bethenny has “made no secret of her marital woe, admitting that her second year of marriage was rough.” Back in the city, “their marriage is on shaky ground. When Jason did make it out to the Hamptons on weekends this summer, it was for Bryn. He’s pretty miserable. They’ve both reached their breaking point. They will always try to make it work for the sake of their family, but it’s going to be a long road.”

Beyoncé’s Birthday: She and Jay-Z spent Bey’s natal day on a yacht in the Mediterranean. “Beyoncé jumped ship to take a personal watercraft for a spin.” Beyoncé/Kenny Powers meme please.

Rihanna & Chris Brown: “She embraced and kissed him, running her fingers through his newly bleached hair as if they were still a couple. Onlookers were shocked, but those close to Rihanna weren’t surprised.” An insider says, “It was deliberate, and Rihanna’s way of saying, ‘I’ll do whatever the hell I want.’ Even after what he did to her, she still loves him, and she was flaunting it to everybody. She doesn’t care.” The couple continue to flaunt their intimate bond after Rihanna recently told Oprah “she’s forgiven Chris.” They see the hatred for their romance as more reason to keep going. “Nobody understands their love, and anyone who gets close to either of them winds up getting hurt. They basically have the most twisted relationship ever.” I credit one Christopher Brown for most of the “twisted” aspect.

Misc/Etc: “Her furry ensemble” “Bug-eyes are so last season!” “sparking global interest in his derriere” “a glamour girl all the way” “far graver concerns than his bare backside” “fought like cats and dogs” “She assured everyone that she’s fine” “Now I feel like I deserve to be able to see them” “picking up plenty of buzz after getting a buzz cut!” “quickly captured the attention of the city’s hottest hunks!” “Overcome or overracting?” “shows off her bod during a day at the beach” “visited two coffee shops and a tattoo museum” “on a tropical honeymoon” “chomps on a banana” “Mama’s boy!” “He deserves all the success!” “a 29-year-old dad with no real job and nothing to do.” “the expense of the evening” “The crowd went berserk” “BORED BY HOME LIFE” “make a bit of money, shag a few girls” “adorable chimera cat”

OK!

Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick: He’s been jetting off to Fashion Week, staying up all night in a rented penthouse and comping meals at his sushi restaurant RYU for mysterious pretty girls. “Kourtney has hinted that walking away was an option. But she doesn’t want that even though things are very rough between them to say the least.” In the next season of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, which is very heavy on the Kanye West, they seek couples counseling. “Therapy was actually Scott’s idea, which to be honest, was kind of shocking. It shows he’s committed despite his recent gaffes.” Or that he knows how to appear committed while being filmed for a reality television show? Who ever knows what’s real anymore in the Kardashian matrix. They fake it so real they are beyond fake.

Jude Law on Anna Karenina: “There’s elements to the story, whether it’s scandal, judgement, or gossip — it’s all familiar with the modern world.” Subtext: you banged the nanny.

Serena Williams: “Sometimes I grunt and sometimes I don’t. I’m not conscious when I’m doing it.”

John Mayer & Katy Perry: “If Katy gives him another chance, he’ll treat her better than he did Jennifer Aniston.” Uh-huh. “A week after they split, he started blowing up her phone. He was e-mailing and texting asking for a second chance but she ignored him. Then of course, he started calling her, leaving messages and sending flowers until she finally gave in and agreed to see him.” Well played, Perry. “Ever since then, John, 34, has been behaving like a puppy dog around the singer, 27. At the music festival (L.A.’s FYF Festival) John made a huge effort to be perfect and Katy loved it. He asks her to hang out every day, but she’s playing it smarter than she did last time and keeping her space. He took her out for an amazing dinner at Little Door a few days after the concert. He’s laying it on thick and she’s enjoying it and wants to believe in him. That’s why she gave him a second chance.” Also, SEX.

Jennifer Aniston’s Bachelorette Party: Chelsea Handler is planning it, of course, and it will be as wild as Bachelorette. “Jen’s not going to know what hit her. Chelsea’s already started making plans with Courteney Cox, Sheryl Crow, and Laura Dern for a wild weekend in November.” FILM IT, OMG, FILM IT. The motif will be “tequila” and the venue will be somewhere in Mexico. Chelsea “loves the idea of doing an S&M party and have everyone in bondage gear.” Do you know the story about how Barbara Streisand visited the set of Temple of Doom in dominatrix gear and there is footage of her whipping (Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones)? Now you do.

Daniel Craig: “Fame and fortune, for want of a better expression, is fucking scary.”

Adele: “I’m not married. Zzzzz.” (via twitter)

Ray Liotta & Winona Ryder: “Is that a smile of embarrassment on Winona Ryder’s face as co-star Ray Liotta palms her posterior at the August 30th premiere of The Iceman at Italy’s Venice Film Festival?” It’s probably a smile of wanting to murder Ray Liotta but feeling embarrassed to do it in front of a crowd. Now it is my wish for Quentin Tarantino to write a revenge movie where Winona Ryder kills Ray Liotta.

Misc/Etc: “his recent booze-filled bacchanalia with the Pussycat Dolls in San Diego” “normally look drab” “draws attention to her pretty face” “her toned gams are all she needs” “makes an entrance and an exit” “Hormones, a family member says” “While a projector flashed ‘Fashionable Late’ on a jumbo screen” “(and on his hand tattoo)” “you can act as dorky as you please” “when divas look like insects!” “with clothes on, I’m still a hunk” “you just insert the widget into the phalange” “scantily-clad bad girls” “The winner of the Craziest Abs on a 40-something Mother of Four Award” “in addition to his role in helping make the actual baby, of course” “jump into the pool naked or fake a sex act” “He hates not being in control”

Filed Under: Amy Poehler, Angelina Jolie, Beyonce, Blake Lively, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Chris Brown, Colin Farrell, Daniel Craig, Drake, Gossip, Gwen Stefani, Jay-Z, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Jude Law, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Stewart, Magazines, Mariah Carey, Mindy Kaling, Molly's Magazines, Ok!, Prince Harry, Rihanna, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson, Selena Gomez, Serena Williams, Tabloids, Tom Cruise, Us Weekly, Will Arnett

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert