B.S. Report Rewind: The American Idol Overhaul Fantasy Draft

Back in mid-March, when the two-month-old American Idol season had started to devolve from “semi-fun way to waste a couple of hours on a Wednesday night” to “unbearable death-slog during which a crow that looks like Phillip Phillips pecked out your eyes and cawed the melody to ‘Ants Marching’ in your ear,” we took some time to suggest four entirely new slates of talent to reinvigorate the obviously declining franchise. As it happens, the show seems to be in immediate need of some new judges! The decks have been cleared, with J.Lo off to make some great new movies about the eventual triumph of true love over the romance-impeding demands of a successful interior-decorating career, Steven Tyler departing to restore Aerosmith to its place as the third-most-coked-out band of 1978, and Randy Jackson to reportedly dawg it up as a mentor. Will Mariah Carey be joining as a judge? Some say that’s “very likely” in the works. Is Aretha Franklin willing to throw a giant hat with a fun bow on it into the judging ring? She e-mailed CNN to indicate she’d be happy to do so, she’s just waiting for someone to call. Will a suddenly budget-minded Idol be able to afford the all-star roster they probably need to make anyone care about what should might be the final season before Rupert Murdoch finally drags the badly wounded Nielsen thoroughbred behind the barn to put it out of its misery? That’s not our concern. We’re only here to helpfully provide an embarrassment of viable candidates to fill those empty chairs behind the judges’ table. Take our free advice or don’t, Fox. But you can’t say we didn’t dedicate an entire podcast to trying to save your show.

Below are our judging teams (presented in order of reader voting). Feel free to mix and match, Rupert! Whatever you need to get this thing back on its feet.

Bill Simmons:

  • Jamie Foxx
  • Justin Timberlake
  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Flea
  • Billy Joel (coach)
  • Shania Twain (wild card)

David Jacoby:

  • Madonna
  • Elton John
  • Lil Wayne
  • Weird Al Yankovic (sideline reporter)
  • Stevie Wonder (coach)
  • Chris Rock (wild card)

Mark Lisanti:

  • Kanye West
  • Dave Grohl
  • Courtney Love
  • Suge Knight
  • Brett Ratner (coach)
  • Jon Hamm (wild card)

Jay Kang:

  • Oprah
  • Prince
  • Katy Perry
  • R. Kelly
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Axl Rose (wild card)

You can listen to this podcast on iTunes or on the ESPN.com Podcenter.

Filed Under: American Idol, B.S. Report, Jennifer Lopez, Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler

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Mark Lisanti is an editor at Grantland.

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