Angelina Jolie’s Terrible in Bed?!?! … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids

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THE BEST AND WORST LOVERS IN HOLLYWOOD:

  • Angelina Jolie is “Surprise! Boring in bed.” Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, “sometimes, with the model, the actress, the ‘sexiest person in the world,’ it may be literally like fucking the couch.” FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
  • Channing Tatum “was once a stripper, so he knows how to entice in the bedroom” and “heat things up with erotic dance moves.” He’s also a sweetheart, who often gives wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum “a full body massage after sex.”
  • Colin Farrell “may smolder in his movies” but “the Irish actor leaves lovers cold.” No way is that true, we’ve all seen his sex tape! “He comes across as a tiger onscreen, but behind closed doors he’s as wild as Mickey Mouse.” Yeah, but Mickey Mouse is a freak! Well, this is all according to Woody Allen’s former au pair Angelique Jerome, who had sex with Farrell three times. “We made love three times, but the actual sex only lasted 10 minutes. He has only half a baguette in his lunchbox, if you know what I mean.” No, what do you mean? Please clarify. I’m very confused.
  • Taylor Swift is — surprise! Boring in bed. I guess that’s not very surprising, actually. “All she wants to do is kiss for hours, which is probably why none of the guys she dates sticks around.” Even 18-year-old dudes have their limits, Taylor. Swift needs to date an asexual guy or a(nother) gay guy. “All that kissing provides great material when it comes to telling!” Yeah, but you gotta tell us about lunchboxes and baguettes, too!
  • Charlie Sheen himself says “I don’t need a leather diaper collection and a lot of fantasies to get sexual.” Aren’t you the guy who fucks a ton of porn stars? “I think the more props you need, the less you’ve got going on with your own sexuality.” Then please explain your need for Goddesses. You realize sex workers are just pretending to be attracted to you because you’re paying them, right? Bree Olson says “he’s just so enticing sexually.” (She got paid.)
  • Robert Pattinson is “one hot-blooded vampire, according to an ex-lover” who says “no matter how much we fought, it was always amazing in bed!”
  • John Mayer is perhaps, unsurprisingly, “sensational in bed.” Although maybe it is surprising, since being egocentric might not make you good in bed. Unless your ego is fed by getting women off, which Mayer’s absolutely seems like it is. “Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of her life. I’m not sure how he does it, but after girls sleep with him, they’re ruined — totally hung up on him and left wanting more! Whatever his secret is, he should market it. He could retire from the music industry.” It’s the same thing that makes him a good guitarist: fingerstyle.
  • Rob Kardashian “uses his sister Khloe’s place for his hookups, since he doesn’t have a nice home of his own. What he does have is a fetish for panties. He requests to keep them as a precious memento of his conquest.” And also so Khloe won’t flip out when she finds them in her bed after Rob uses her home as his fuck pad?
  • Jennifer Aniston, who played a “spoiled princess” on Friends, “reprises that role when the lights go off. She just lays there and wants to do none of the work.” That’s called being a pillow queen, and I call bullshit on this one. I bet Jen An puts in work. You know who seems boring in bed? BRAD PITT.
  • Scarlett Johansson likes to do it in public. “Scarlett is very spontaneous and loves to get it on in any environment.” This might sound like fanfic, but “ScarJo concurs” that she likes to do it in fast cars: “I love sex in a car. If I wanted something kinky, the backseat would be it.” We’re still talking about cars, right?
  • Beyoncé “lets Jay-Z be the alpha male most of the time” but “takes charge when it’s Booty Thirty.” Oh, come the hell on. “She loves tying him up. She’s such a demure woman in public, but behind bedroom doors she’s absolutely wild.” I’m guessing she and Jay-Z are both switches.
  • Zoe Saldana says “I love doggy-style or standing up” and “I like being on my knees.”
  • Ashton Kutcher “likes ménage à trois action.”
  • Khloe Kardashian “makes Kim look like a nun. She likes to get down anywhere and everywhere and she’s always horny.” I’d wager her orgasms are realer than Kim’s.
  • Blake Lively “is a real sexpot — a sexual atom bomb.” She “loves getting in sexy costumes” for husband Ryan Reynolds and “uses toys while having sex too.” Yeah because she’s trying to dispel the ghost of Scarlett Johansson in the backseat!
  • Jason Segel is “amazing in bed” according to a former lover. He also “likes to lay around and act goofy — it’s great!”
  • Ryan Gosling is “good on screen” but “even better in real life,” says someone who knows him intimately. “Ryan has laser focus when making love; he’s completely in the moment and absolutely amazing.” But does he do that awful Brooklyn accent?
  • Demi Moore “likes to think of sex as a performance and loves to role-play for her man. She’s pretended to be everything from a naughty teacher, a scuba instructor, even a rodeo clown.” A rodeo clown. This is all the best fictional article ever, yes?
  • Adam Levine is “so obsessed with yoga that he often seems more concerned with stretching than with his partner.” Maybe he just needs to role-play as a rodeo clown.
  • Tim McGraw “is amazing in bed and can go forever,” which makes up for the fact that he “refuses to take his big hat off, even when making love.” His wife, Faith Hill, “is cool about it, and says he’s a cowboy she’s happy to ride.” The way you love me!
  • Bradley Cooper “is dull as dishwater in bed. He talks nonstop in French because he thinks it’s a turn-on, but it’s like being in bed with Pepé Le Pew.” Oh, no way, we’ve all seen Wet Hot American Summer.
  • Jessica Simpson is “sexual napalm,” but we all knew that. She likes pregnancy sex, and says it made her “unstoppable” with “the biggest O ever.”
  • Prince Harry is a firecracker. “The randy young Brit is a prince, even in the boudoir. Harry has a lot of experience with women and their bodies. He’s a very sexual human being, so he loves lotions and scented body oils. He knows how to please a lady and make her feel like she’s the only one.” Well, you know what they say about gingers. They don’t tan.
  • Jennifer Lopez “has a powerful set of lungs and she’s not afraid to use them. If she enjoys what you’re doing, she’ll scream so loud that the windows will rattle. Once in a hotel, a maid charged into her room, thinking she was being murdered.” IT’S MURDA!

Who Does Patti Stanger Think Britney Should Date?

  • Eminem because “they’ve had substance abuse issues, have straightened themselves out and now have kids!” Uh. “Maybe she’ll start a rapping career!” Uh.
  • Dane Cook because “both of them are born performers.” Uh.
  • Kris Humphries because “his Midwestern ways are like the small-town values she craves.” This one makes the most sense, but uhhhh, I dunno, Patti. “Maybe they’d make the baby basketball team he’s always wanted.” Yeah, I dunno about that.

Kristen Wiig & Fabrizio Moretti: “Funnygal Kristen is always making others LOL. We hope her boyfriend Fabrizio Moretti makes sure this Valentine’s Day is full of XOXO’s.” XOXO, LOL.

Heidi & Spencer Pratt:The Hills stars admit they blew $10 million prepping for the Mayan apocalypse.” They still had $10 million left to blow? No fucking way.

Misc/Etc: “She keeps saying that as a 42-year-old woman in Los Angeles competing against twentysomethings, she has to work harder if she’s ever going to get married again.” “I ran into him buying some chocolate with two security guards” “Thirsty yet, ladies?” “she’s really jealous of all the awards and attention” “everyone knows that Tom is Mr. Scientology” “behind closed doors, Gaga is very mean” “To the left, haters!” “the chips are down and they’re delicious!” “LeAnn Rimes burst into tears in Valley Village” “ditched his trunks for a swim in the buff” “grinned through the gloom” “starting to worry they’ll never go on a fancy vacation again” “She wears the pants in the relationship and it’s working for now” “It’s unconscionable to breed with the number of children who are starving to death” “Music makes me feel sexy and confident” “We’ve even done it on a Jet Ski” “Me and your wife had sex!”

 

Us Weekly

Lady Gaga Sued by Ex-Assistant: During the deposition, Gaga said her former assistant Jennifer O’Neill is “a fucking hood rat who is suing me for money that she didn’t earn.” O’Neill says she worked overtime constantly without getting paid, and the worker-employer relationship lacked proper boundaries. During the testimony, Gaga asked O’Neill, “Are you going to stare at me like a witch this whole time? Because this is going to be a long fucking day.”

Gaga said the job didn’t involve overtime and that O’Neill, 41, is “a disgusting human being” who was “majorly unqualified” to look after Gaga, 26. She claimed O’Neill shirked responsibilities like unpacking and organizing Gaga’s things on tour, but reaped benefits such as “Egyptian cotton sheets” and eating caviar. Gaga sounds pretty defensive in the deposition, and personal assistant jobs are notorious for turning into amorphous relationships that blur the line between boss and friend. If Gaga constantly had O’Neill on call without obvious billable hours, her assertion that “this whole case is bullshit” might be bullshit, too. Gaga isn’t making herself look great by saying O’Neill “didn’t want to be a slave, because in my work I’m the queen of the universe.” She sounds like Marie Antoinette.

Leonardo DiCaprio & Bradley Cooper: “TRUE BROMANCE!” I guess Leo isn’t so bitter about his Oscar snub that he won’t hang out with the nominated Cooper. The pair hung out in Miami with Jonah Hill, Gerard Butler, and “a group of 30 models.” They then went clubbing, where “Bradley made out with three different girls at the club and left with one of them.” Why not leave with all three? “Leo was actually the most responsible of the bunch.” What do you think the Pussy Posse’s initiation rituals are like? Kinda like Bohemian Grove’s?

New Girl’s Max “Schmidt” Greenfield’s Mom Is a Modern Family Fan: “She goes, ‘Look, it’s good just to be nominated. What an honor.’ I go, ‘What, do you think I’m not gonna win?’ And she goes, ‘Well, that Eric Stonestreet is the full package.’”

Mark Wahlberg on Justin Bieber: “I really think he can act.” OK.

Blair Waldorf Dating Seth Cohen: The two fan favorites from the Josh Schwartziverse are an IRL couple. “They’re hanging out,” says a source, which means they’re probably at the very least banging and smoking lots of weed. While Leighton Meester (Blair on Gossip Girl) and Adam Brody (Seth on The O.C.) have been friendly for a few years, their relationship only recently turned romantic. This basically makes up for the travesty that was the end of Gossip Girl and the mishandling of Dan and Blair. Who cares now that there’s Blair and Seth Cohen? XOXO.

Channing Tatum on Fatherhood: “If that thing comes out anything like me as a kid, I’m putting it right back up there.”

Julianna Margulies: “I feel bad because people are like, ‘Oh, your husband is so hot. Truth is, he is unbelievably bright.” COOL HUMBLEBRAG, NURSE CAROL. (He is hot, though.)

Guy Fieri Not Welcome in NOLA: “Chef Guy Fieri caused a ruckus after he was barred from the VIP section of a party” during Super Bowl week. “He didn’t have the right bracelet and nobody in New Orleans knew who he was.” That’s because they have actual chefs in New Orleans who make delicious food and don’t rely on donkey sauce or backward sunglasses. “Guy threw a fit. He was acting crazy and caused a total scene.” I hope Paul Prudhomme laughed and just strolled right in past Guy.

Miley Cyrus: “I don’t know why anyone thinks I’m going to have this huge, extravagant wedding. That is so not who I am.” I love u Miley.

Things You Don’t Know About Meredith Vieira (Excerpted):

  • “I prefer purple popsicles.”
  • “When I was a child, another girl called me fat and I never got over it.”
  • “In fourth grade, my glee club director told me to mouth the words.”
  • “My heart wants me to become a vegan, but my stomach craves lobster salad.”
  • “When I fly, I carry a stuffed Sylvester Puddy Tat. My mom gave it to me when I started at CBS News because I had to travel and was scared of flying.”
  • “My first day in New York, a pigeon pooped on my head.”
  • “My sexual awakening came at 10 when I saw the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. I hugged my pillow, pretending it was Paul McCartney.”

Misc/Etc: “Bitter breakup?” “the confidence of beauty, youth and talent combined!” “My mom is bipolar and it turns out I am too” “Kissing Ryan! In bed with Ben!” “from supported to sidekick in one email!” “hankers for spuds” “found love in a controversial place” “it’s caused us a crisis in our sex life” “Heels are my version of cleats!” “it’s systematic!” “They get windblown!” “He had time to really fall in love” “a Diet Coke (him) and an iced tea (her)” “We love romance” “always rude to her” “in full-on party mode” “Melo comes to our house to visit Egypt” “wht at, no scone?” “relationship status was a gray area” “hook up with my girlfriends so that my husband could watch”

 

InTouch

Charlie Sheen on Lance Armstrong: “Lance Armstrong is kind of a douche. If he was a better guy, he’d be forgiven a lot faster and easier — kind of like me!” Charlie Sheen is such a Roger Sterling.

Inside the Twisted Mind of Kris Jenner: InTouch has an official court document that’s a psychological evaluation of Kris Jenner from her divorce to Robert Kardashian in 1989 or 1990. “Kris is described as immature, demanding, manipulative, and selfish.” Not surprisingly, she is also “narcissistic, with a marked elevation of the narcissistic scale” which involves “the tendency to take others for granted or exploit them.” The evaluation claims Kris is “reckless and non-motherly,” but “believes she is a loving mother.” It notes that “her sense of self is based much more on fantasy than realistic considerations” that she acts out with an “impulsive nature” and “has a need for immediate gratification in relationships.” Everyone knows “she doesn’t act her age.” While she’s a “life-of-the-party type of person, the relationships tend to be superficial” and she suffers from “a Cinderella complex” where she expects fairy tale endings from complicated real-life situations and glosses over any damage incurred.

Honey Boo Boo: “I want to go to Disneyland because it sounds like the coolest place ever, but I love mudboggin’.”

Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez: The “heartbroken teen still misses the Spring Breakers star” even though they broke up because he was cheating on her. “They’ve exchanged text messages and discussed meeting up, but Selena is against the idea.”

Whoopi Goldberg on Her Trademark: “I’m a farter. When you work in the theater, you do quick changes and you’re running around and sometimes you’re just letting go.”

Beyoncé: During her Super Bowl halftime performance, “the star wore four to six pairs of panty hose.”

Misc/Etc: “She does not deserve a penny just so she can go to Intermix and buy herself a new tube top.” “a windowed wall with underwater views of the pool” “looks like she just took a dip in the pool””a glass catwalk” “what’s up with her granny peeptoe slingbacks?” “She’s not my fucking friend” “Tyler Perry’s Hollywood Hills home is a bachelor’s dream” “99% say creepy” “the championship of men” “old as Hell? Really?” “I’m just a lucky guy — right place, right time” “riding the choo-choo” “She’s more of a dude than me!” “wearing a blonde wig and fake breasts” “Baby, you’re a waxwork!” “She should’ve written her phone number, too!”

 

OK!

Taylor Swift & Harry Styles Had a Secret French Rendezvous: “She told Harry it was best if they pretended not to be together,” as they attended the Cannes music festival and stayed in the same hotel. Has Taylor been watching Mad Men and French New Wave movies? Probably. “Taylor has learned from her mistakes, and feels like the only way they stand a chance is to keep everything away from the public until their romance is on solid ground. They had a great time hanging in each other’s rooms. But in public they made sure not to even cross paths. It was very well coordinated.” That’s what they should have just done in the first place, assuming it wasn’t all for publicity to begin with. They broke up over “Harry’s alleged cheating” but “Harry insists he didn’t cheat and after an intense grilling, Taylor now believes him.” I imagine an intense grilling from Taylor Swift to be a lot like one of Maya’s interrogations from Zero Dark Thirty.

Johnny Depp’s Private 45-Acre Bahamian Island: It has six beaches.

Gwen Stefani on Motherhood: “As they grow older, it really does start to change your life. Like, ‘Oh my God, they have school, they have to get through first grade, they have to learn to read.’ It starts getting so serious and you’re like ‘Ahhh!’”

Misc/Etc: “Chapman enjoys road biking and yachting in Palm Beach, snow-boarding and snowmobiling in Aspen, motocross, spear fishing and free-diving in the Bahamas” “He asked to come here and get fit.” “honored the year of the dragon” “I love edgy clothes” “it could be an occupational hazard from all that posing” “Today I am 30 years old. I am so thankful and full of joy!” “open (coat) season already?” “CHIHUAHUA FACTOR” “I’m taking a ski trip with all my girlfriends” “motherhood has made me so much hotter” “Sire, I have your umbrella-ella” “I’d rather have it live, maybe imperfect but real as opposed to lip-synched and flawless” “Linsday Lohan, 26, is accused of lying to police about crashing her sports car into a dump truck.”

Filed Under: Adam Levine, Angelina Jolie, Ashton Kutcher, Beyonce, Billy Bob Thornton, Blake Lively, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Charlie Sheen, Colin Farrell, Demi Moore, Eminem, Gossip, Guy Fieri, Gwen Stefani, Harry Styles, Jay-Z, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Justin Bieber, Khloe Kardashian, Kris Humphries, Kris Jenner, Kristen Wiig, Lady Gaga, Leonardo Dicaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Miley Cyrus, Modern Family, Molly's Magazines, New Girl, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson, Selena Gomez, Star, Super Bowl, Tabloids, Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise, Us Weekly, Zoe Saldana

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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