An Open Letter to Kim Kardashian and Chris Brown

Those of you who follow me on Twitter I’m sure have noticed my sick love of poking fun at celebrities. I am frequently asked why I pick on two celebrities in particular, Chris Brown and Kim Kardashian. More often than not, people ask me why I hate them so much. I felt this would be a great opportunity for me to clear the air. I don’t hate anyone. However, I do take issue with certain situations these two have gotten themselves into. Now, I fully understand that we are all human and we all make mistakes. I am definitely no different. If I were being watched 24/7, I’m sure I’d come across like a silly chick who curses too much and I’d end up addicted to antidepressants. The great thing is, I’m not famous. I’m a comedy writer and I produce a newscast. Everything I do is behind-the-scenes and I prefer to keep it that way. While comedy writing falls into the “entertainment” category, I don’t consider myself an entertainer. Now, if I went and did something really off-the-wall, people could totally find out about it. The thing is, I have something called morals. I would NEVER physically abuse someone and I would NEVER film and distribute my own pornography tape featuring myself. Call me old-fashioned, but that’s just me. With that said, I’d like to break down for you my reasons for making so much fun of Kim and Chris.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Kim clearly believes herself to be a smart-and-sassy businesswoman with clothing lines, fragrances, reality TV shows, and her face in every magazine. But here’s my issue with Kim. She is fucking delusional. No one would have a clue who the Kardashians even were if her dad hadn’t been on O.J. Simpson’s defense team, and especially if she had not made a sex tape with Ray J. These. Are. Facts. Prior to her sex tape, if anyone had said the name Kim Kardashian, you’d have to connect the dots on who she was. “Her dad was a part of O.J.’s legal dream team.” “You remember the attorney with the salt-and-pepper hair from the O.J. trial? Yeah, his daughter.” Then came Ray J. (literally, he came). Kim and Mr. J began dating and decided they are such rad lays they should video their sexcapades (and humiliate the maker of the Burberry bikini) and release it to the public for profit. We’re humans, so of course there was interest in watching Brandy’s little brother bone the daughter of the guy from the O.J. trial, but who would have ever thought that one tape would result in the entire Kardashian/Jenner clan becoming as well known as they are today? It is utterly amazing.

My problem with Kim is how she lives her day-to-day life in this fantasy bubble. She marries NBA player Kris Humphries, resulting in a marriage that lasts as long as it takes a Labrador Retriever to conceive and give birth to puppies. It’s been reported that Kim made a $10 million profit off her sham of a wedding. It’s sick. I can’t bring myself to watch any of her reality shows, but I read about them online. After she and Kris were married, they begin discussing living arrangements and having kids. Anyone with half a brain knows you don’t commit to marriage until all of those details are crystal clear. You know each other’s goals. You know each other’s habits and pet peeves. You know whether or not you want children. And you damn sure know where you are going to live! This is where Kim and Kris really pissed people off. Clearly, if they were really in love with one another, they would know all of those things about each other. Therefore the possibility of the two of them getting married for attention, money, and ratings arises. The general public of non-idiots doesn’t like to be played, and it appears that is exactly what was done, a sham wedding.

The fact that there are people in this world who consider themselves to be Kardashian fans is an idea that I cannot even begin to wrap my head around. They are media whores and nothing more. I don’t wish them harm. They are human beings, but they are delusional and insanely self-absorbed people who live in a wealthy E! bubble funded by Ryan Seacrest Productions. I’d actually have an ounce of respect for Kim or any member of the Kardashians if they would just acknowledge how they got to where they are in their celebrity status. But they don’t. They continue trying to sell the illusion that they are a hardworking American family, and as long as they stay delusional, I will continue to point out (via my Twitter) why they are famous in the first place.

CHRIS BROWN: This fucking guy. I remember a time when Chris Brown was this fresh-faced young man, dating pop star Rihanna, dancing with Mike Myers during the opening of the MTV awards and we all enjoyed him. Then BOOM! Word gets out he was arrested for domestic violence. Was it a misunderstanding? Could this be? Oh … it be. Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna, resulting in multiple cuts and bruises, a busted lip, and facial swelling. Who is this guy? He is clearly not the boy next door, he’s not a wholesome young man, he’s actually a violent criminal. As time passes by, we see the real Chris Brown — a guy full of rage and prone to violent outbursts.

Following a Good Morning America interview with Robin Roberts, Brown became so enraged that he went back into the dressing room and hurled a chair at a window. He then took his shirt off (showcasing his tattoos, which appear to form an Affliction T-shirt) and stormed out of the building. Months later he shouts homophobic slurs at a bouncer in a nightclub, then pisses off his neighbors by playing his music too loud and parking his collection of luxury cars in handicap parking spaces. No, you’re right, Team Breezy, Chris Brown is a national treasure. If I take a verbal shot at Chris Brown via my Twitter page, I know the rest of the day will be filled with Team Breezy @ replies. I have had some real winners reply to me. One evening in particular, Chris Brown himself even replied to me. That was fun. Of the thousands (yes, thousands) of replies from members of Team Breezy, nothing made me happier than being called an “asswhole” by a young Chris Brown fan living in Detroit. It’s sad that Chris Brown’s legacy will always be him beating up his girlfriend and his temper, then his music. I won’t take away from the fact that he is a talented performer, but the only place he should be performing is in a jail cell.

By the way, Kim: If you are reading this, I still have your National Lampoon trophy for Most Inane Celebrity. I accepted the award on your behalf. Let me know when you want to meet up so I can give it to you.

Jenny Johnson is a comedy writer and television news producer. She lives with her husband and 2 dogs in Houston and she doesn’t like ranch dressing. Follow her on Twitter at @JennyJohnsonHi5

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Filed Under: Celebrities, Celebrity Hell, Chris Brown, Kim Kardashian, Reality TV