Afternoon Links: Simon Cowell’s Starf—ing Reform, Steve Carell’s Second Good-bye, and Helen Mirren’s Regal Beatdown
Music news for Monday: The CMT Awards nominations are in; Tan Mom drops some bronze beats into your reluctant ears (sample lyric: “It’s Tan Mom, bitch / Are you ready? It’s Patricia, bitch / [...] I want you to back away / get away from me every day”); Queens of the Stone Age join the rabbit hole video phenomenon; Simon Cowell gives up on celebrity judges; and, most importantly, Liam Gallagher was almost murdered by a blue peanut M&M and now carries an EpiPen (“I’ve got to carry a syringe about with me in case of emergencies. Proper Pete Doherty gear”).
- Michael Scott’s coming back for the Office finale, in case you were worried he might not show up.
- Suburgatory‘s Jane Levy is divorcing her secret husband.
- Helen Mirren, dressed as Queen Elizabeth, yelled at some drummers for raging too hard outside of a performance of The Audience. The musicians, who were promoting a gay music festival, apparently felt as “rotten” about the incident as Mirren did and issued a statement from their spokesman saying “If she’d like to let her hair down and attend the festival she’d be more than welcome.”
- Cops relocates to Spike TV from Fox.
- You Game of Throners just won’t quit: trying to navigate the sociolinguistic tangle of GoT.
- Orphans gets put back into its little woven basket and sent back down the river. Good-bye, dramatic reject.
- Rest up, because The Sims 4 is coming to snatch your evening in its teeth and make an accordion out of the hours from midnight until 5 a.m. while you watch fake people take showers and complain about the stink of pixelated garbage.
- A&E orders a Mark Wahlberg docu-reality series about working-class Boston.
- Math sucks.
- George Takei and Jesse Tyler Ferguson present a PSA to rehabilitate opponents to gay marriage with bow ties.
- “There was a terrible, sulphurous smell, like rotten eggs, and a tremendous pressure against my chest. My arms were trapped but I managed to free one hand and felt around — my palm passed through the wiry bristles of the hippo’s snout. It was only then that I realised I was underwater, trapped up to my waist in his mouth.”
- Bats get tongue boners.
- ENOUGH WITH YOUR STUPID GLASSES!
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“Actually, the last thing we shot with Matthew [McConaughey], which was really great because we got to surprise him, was from episode seven when Marty’s watching the video tape Rust stole from the Tuttle house and Matthew has his back to Woody. We start rolling and I keep it going and we gather the entire crew right outside the storage unit. We slammed the doors open, which kind of shocked him for a second, and then the whole crew was there to clap for him. It was pretty awesome.”