Afternoon Links: Simon Cowell’s Starf—ing Reform, Steve Carell’s Second Good-bye, and Helen Mirren’s Regal Beatdown
Music news for Monday: The CMT Awards nominations are in; Tan Mom drops some bronze beats into your reluctant ears (sample lyric: “It’s Tan Mom, bitch / Are you ready? It’s Patricia, bitch / [...] I want you to back away / get away from me every day”); Queens of the Stone Age join the rabbit hole video phenomenon; Simon Cowell gives up on celebrity judges; and, most importantly, Liam Gallagher was almost murdered by a blue peanut M&M and now carries an EpiPen (“I’ve got to carry a syringe about with me in case of emergencies. Proper Pete Doherty gear”).
- Michael Scott’s coming back for the Office finale, in case you were worried he might not show up.
- Suburgatory‘s Jane Levy is divorcing her secret husband.
- Helen Mirren, dressed as Queen Elizabeth, yelled at some drummers for raging too hard outside of a performance of The Audience. The musicians, who were promoting a gay music festival, apparently felt as “rotten” about the incident as Mirren did and issued a statement from their spokesman saying “If she’d like to let her hair down and attend the festival she’d be more than welcome.”
- Cops relocates to Spike TV from Fox.
- You Game of Throners just won’t quit: trying to navigate the sociolinguistic tangle of GoT.
- Orphans gets put back into its little woven basket and sent back down the river. Good-bye, dramatic reject.
- Rest up, because The Sims 4 is coming to snatch your evening in its teeth and make an accordion out of the hours from midnight until 5 a.m. while you watch fake people take showers and complain about the stink of pixelated garbage.
- A&E orders a Mark Wahlberg docu-reality series about working-class Boston.
- Math sucks.
- George Takei and Jesse Tyler Ferguson present a PSA to rehabilitate opponents to gay marriage with bow ties.
- “There was a terrible, sulphurous smell, like rotten eggs, and a tremendous pressure against my chest. My arms were trapped but I managed to free one hand and felt around — my palm passed through the wiry bristles of the hippo’s snout. It was only then that I realised I was underwater, trapped up to my waist in his mouth.”
- Bats get tongue boners.
- ENOUGH WITH YOUR STUPID GLASSES!