Roger Ebert, Pulitzer Prize winner and national treasure, is taking a “leave of presence” by cutting back on his workload as he faces cancer treatments again. He will continue to write selected reviews as well as essays addressing his illness. “It really stinks that the cancer has returned,” he writes, “and that I have spent too many days in the hospital. So on bad days I may write about the vulnerability that accompanies illness. On good days, I may wax ecstatic about a movie so good it transports me beyond illness.” This is heartbreaking news. Get well soon, you old fart. Love, your fanboys.

• Here, listen to Elvis covering Percy Mayfield’s “Stranger in My Own Home Town” while the heaviness of life sits on your head.
• King of Thrones, the television program about fancy toilets. See you in Season 3, Mr. Potato Bowl.
• YOU HAVE ONE MONTH TO RECLAIM YOUR MONKEY.
• How is a tenor sax solo like a sneeze? You can tell it’s coming, but you can’t do anything about it. Especially on the subway.
• Jimmy Fallon will officially be taking over for Jay Leno in spring 2014, when The Tonight Show returns to New York’s 30 Rock. But what about the Roots?
• Conrad Murray, former Michael Jackson doctor and current inmate, serenades Anderson Cooper with “The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot.” (“I’m so sorry for that laddie / Who hasn’t got a daddy.”)
• Good-bye, Walking Dead Season 3, guess we never knew you at all. Related: plans for The Walking Dead‘s fourth season.
• “When you choose to see life outside the box, or, in terms of The Matrix, when you take the red pill as opposed to the blue pill, it can be very, very lonely. And when you find your tribe, you want to connect with them through social media.” —RuPaul
• Let the psycho be unbroken: Huey Lewis and Weird Al return to the videotapes.
• Electric texting skivvies.
• Sketches of sketches.