Too many Apples a day: After adopting Steve Jobs’s fruitarian diet for his role in the biopic jOBS, Ashton Kutcher wound up in the hospital with pancreatic problems. Jobs reportedly experimented with a number of oddball diets: He turned orange from too much carrot juice, lived off of Roman Meal cereal, and attempted to combat body odor with his fruit intake (this last one “was a flawed theory”).

• Red alert! Meta-leakage! Julian Assange has come into possession of a leaked script for the WikiLeaks movie The Fifth Estate. He loved it, obviously: “It is a mass propaganda attack against WikiLeaks, the organization (and) the character of my staff,” said Assange, who also stated that he’s considering the option of posting it online and called it an attack against Iran. Really? What problem could he have with this movie? I have no idea!
• Paul Giamatti’s up for the role of Rhino in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Blatant typecasting.
• How will the Iranian astronaut monkey’s Tumblr stack up against Colonel Hadfield’s? Life in space isn’t all awe-inspiring vistas and floating bananas, however: “Living in a space station would be like being trapped in a small plane run by your least favorite airline for several weeks. Think about that. Think about the point where you’re basically just breathing other people’s farts. While your bones are rotting. And if anything at all bumps up hard against the window, you’ll die. And by ‘die,’ I mean: ‘Your body fluids would boil but your vaporised juices would immediately freeze while your skin and internal organs distended horribly.’”
• Mean Girls: The Musical is a fantasy that we must make a reality. “Paramount’s on board”! Don’t toy with us, Fey.
• Downton Abbey for Super NES, with a very challenging fancy cigar party level, is also not real. It now seems as though our capacity for dreaming up the media we need in our lives is surpassing our ability to create it. We’re reaching critical mass here. Dream engineers, it’s your time to listen to motivational tracks and stay up later doing whatever performance-enhancing drugs you need to deliver on the promises we bake up and serve ourselves. While you’re at it, I’d also like a sequel to Scarface: The World Is Yours for PS3 and an affordable bioprinter that creates singing versions of these. Thanks in advance.
• Elias Koteas joins the cast of The Killing as a series regular. His character is “well-regarded and well-respected, [and] prosecutors relax when they see his name on the docket because they can trust his work.” And because he helped take down Shredder.
• SAG should probably add a germ-protecting surgical mask to their comedy/tragedy mask logo.
• A selection of movie tribute posters from the Mondo Gallery’s exhibition In Progress is available online.
• Would it be a link roundup if I didn’t sadistically inflict on you the grossest thing I saw today? This lady eats rolled-up nuggets of cat hair, which TLC refers to, awfully, as “hairballs,” every two hours. She forages for cat hair in her apartment, but prefers to mainline right off the animal whenever possible. Also, her sister’s name is Andromeda. I bet you feel pretty good about yourself now, fruitarians.
• How do you like them identifiers, single, poorly complected, bald, toothless bad drivers? Not very much? Didn’t think so.
• Boy Scouts of America is reconsidering its stance on banning gay members. If you like to read infuriated comments, I got you covered on this one.
• Regretsy is crossing through the vaginal fairy door into retirement on February 1. I for one will miss the systematic “raping [of crafter’s] dream[s]” and policing of taxidermied squirrels riding rattlesnakes. R.I.P.