Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you: The Notebook cynics, the marathon kissers locked in a 58-hour-long chapped embrace, the bipartisan curious, the romantic unmanned aerial vehicles that shoot conversation hearts from above, the brat fry lovers (“it was an absolute disaster as a brat fry,” but love finds a way) and the corpses of people whose husbands were cruel to them because laser hair removal hadn’t been invented yet. Having a shitty Valentine’s Day? Well, at least Matt Damon envies you.

• Hewlett-Packard made less than $30 from its penis-checking app, Chubby Checker. “Rock and roll icon” Chubby Checker would like that profit to equal negative $499,999,970.
• Jason Ritter has been cast in the upcoming Fox comedy Friends & Family, sending my Braverman anxiety meter up half a notch despite optimistic reports.
• I guess we don’t have that much to talk about anymore.
• Breaking Bad‘s Dean Norris joins the cast of Under the Dome.
• All of those Kermits place a lot of strain on the joints.
• Johnny Depp’s upcoming “album of sea shanties.”
• A supposedly fun thing they’ll never do again: The stinky cruise from hell saga continues.
• Brush my teeth with a bottle of pee.
• The bad news: Celebrity Wife Swap is really happening. The good news: so, maybe, is a celebrity Survivor.