I think that one of the weirdest memes we’ve got going right now is celebrity impersonators doing dramatic readings while in character. Obviously, Morgan Freeman is at the top of the list here. Above, impressionist Joseph Scales channels Freeman for Everyone Poops and delivers his monologue into a no-frills tilty webcam. Scales rose to Reddit fame after re-creating a Shawshank Redemption monologue, and although his mimicry is pretty awesome, I always wonder if there’s a better way to use it. Dear super human soundboards: With great power comes great responsibility. Everybody Poops is old news.  The question is, does anyone not vomit? There must be a few people. Find them. Let’s hear their story. Record it as Susan Sarandon.

• Can a person bicycle with a broken heart?
• Rumors are percolating about Joseph Gordon-Levitt taking on Dr. Strange, while another fictional medical professional celebrates his fifth birthday.
• Jenny McCarthy fills the incendiary-panelist spot at The View.
• If you’re having spoof problems, I feel bad for you, son.
• Spotify killed the Radiohead. Spotify responded to the criticism by saying that the company has “already paid $500 million to rightsholders so far and by the end of 2013 this number will reach $1 billion.” So they can’t rewind. They’ve gone too far.
• How about you don’t do this, Westboro Baptist Church?
• “She sped into the giant pink room and told us to make cupcakes. There was no food in sight. I opened the kitchen drawers and found spoons and forks hidden in see-through plastic boxes. I tried to take off the lid, but they were sealed tight. Leila showed me a screen on the kitchen counter — by making cupcakes, she meant tapping touchscreens to create digital baked goods.” — Inside Barbie’s Dream House
• This is The Weeknd’s first interview.
• Arsenio, man, I was rooting for you on The Celebrity Apprentice and I’m so glad your show is progressing. KIT 143 TTYL.
• Rupert Murdoch has feelings, and they are hurting.
• SLING BLING.
• I guess hindsight is 20/20.
• How to proceed when a cast member dies.
• Louie’s Season 1 stand-up mash-up.
• Oscar-winning short Curfew gets stretched into a feature with Paul Wesley, Ron Perlman, and Emmy Rossum.
• The people’s jam band forever.
• One Direction crowd-sources guesses for the lyrics to their upcoming single.
• Kirstie Allie subtweets for Xenu.
• Everything about this is the worst. The words “owner” and “fake baby” make me wonder if this is some kind of re-born or android. Are all babies fake if they don’t come out of celebrities? Are we real, or are we all just animatronic bears in Kris Jenner’s solipsistic universe, singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah and shivering at the apex of a (K)nightmare?