Afternoon Links: Celebs Read Mean Tweets, Crime-Free L.A., and Rapping Starks
• Where will thrill-seekers move now that Los Angeles is the safest big city in America? Maybe this three-bedroom “terrifying place so relaxing”? Or perhaps it’s FINALLY time to gentrify Mars? Real World: Red Planet: Six groups of four strangers with rudimentary English skills compete in a “global media spectacle” casting event! What could go wrong? Besides pretty much everything?
• Jurassic Park IMAX 3-D experience can make you pregnant with snotty, precocious baby Dr. Ian Malcolms. Right through your eye sockets. Wear protection.
• The kids from the Game of Thrones cast rap, with giggleboxing.
• A woman who was, sadly, born without a clue mistakes a labradoodle for a baby lion.
• Live life on your own terms, Oxygen Network–style: Even before the world collectively shuddered at the prospect of absorbing the fable of Shawty Lo and all his babies’ mommas, the network had committed plenty of crimes against women, including Propos’d, Find Me My Man, and Fat Girl Revenge. And yet nowhere on the lineup do I see a show about the couples who like to have sex in the delivery room, because if you don’t use your vagina constantly for something, it falls off and slips down the heating vent to write graphic novels about your pelvic floor.
• Twenty-four hours with Roberto Cavalli. ONLY 24? 9 A.M.: “I have my bird, a parrot, a big yellow-and-blue parrot, in the living room. Maybe she says hello to me. I go to her with a small cake and she eats it.” 10:30 A.M.: “I don’t want to speak with people because sometimes they interrupt my creation” [giant gaping wasteland for entire afternoon/early evening] 9 P.M.: “I have so many cameras.” Midnight: “I make a lot of tweets, maybe 20 to 35.”