Beyoncé sings the national anthem live at a Super Bowl press conference, admits to lip-synching at the inauguration, and says, “I love haters.” This is a woman with an infallible, built-in biological PR chip. [Applause.]

• The SXSW feature-film lineup is here. Obviously planted by the hackers. They come for the festivals first.

• GOOP addresses concerns we’ve all been obsessing over for years, such as “How many avocados is too many avocados in a week?” and “what ocean should I throw my kettle bells into to punish them for having given me un-feminine musculature that will make me look hideous as I advance into my ancient (35+) years?”

• Let’s try this again: Roseanne Barr has inked a deal with NBC to develop a comedy series. Place protective brackets around your expectations in remembrance of what became of Downwardly Mobile.

• It’s Zachary Quinto video day: Here he is, stalking a pound puppy, and he’s also over here as Spock, if you care.

• Lena Dunham and Girls co-showrunner Jenni Konner are collaborating on a Betty Halbreich–inspired comedy for HBO. Let the fantasy casting begin.

• Anchor Jessica Sanchez, who spent a week on Bourbon Street one night, exacts some pretty sweet revenge on a videobomber.

• Harrison Ford’s Indiana Jones acting school is now in session, if you can read the handwriting on his script notes.

• Duncan Jones (“known for his thoughtful sci-fi work”) takes on Warcraft.

• The turmoil those Smash scarves concealed is exposed by former (anonymous) insiders. Bottom line: “The Smash office was not a happy place.” O RLY?

• Chinese hackers versus the New York Times.

• Time to start thinking of country-pop hooks that rhyme with “foreskin” (therein, dustin’, urchin) and “circumcision” (bad decision, revision, division). This is me swallowing my pride/standing in front of you asking you to cut it off with a knife.

• Secret beef between the Grammys and Nicki Minaj. SEEEECRET BEEEEEFING.

• The fearsome shark named Mary Lee is coming to eat you, but she’s wearing pigtails and a bib collar.

• Bob Odenkirk, Paul Rudd, and Seth Rogen go for Samsung. Paul Rudd is hitting the commercial game HARD. Get that money, Rudd.

• You, too, can achieve a greater capacity for empathy by wearing a dorky helmet and pretending to fly.

• Oh, Rihanna.

• This mustache wants to put its dirty mustache hands on the New Jersey Senate. Think about that.