The last time we heard from Grantland’s Chief RazzieWatcher, Dan Kois, the announcement of the Razzies nominations — in which Adam Sandler garnered a record-breaking 11 nods — had caused him serious cardiac issues. He has still not recovered, and we can only imagine what further debilitating infarctions were visited upon our Guru after last night’s (insanely scheduled) announcement of the Razzies winners. Defying all conventional logic, and proudly besting a long history of cinematic shame, Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill somehow, someway won every Razzie possible. The complete sweep! It’s never been done — and, dare I say, may never be done again. So complete was Jack and Jill’s domination that Sandler even managed to win twice in some categories. Just look at this roll call of perfect terribleness:

• Worst Picture: Jack and Jill
• Worst Actor: Adam Sandler, Jack and Jill and Just Go With It.
• Worst Actress: Adam Sandler, as Jill in Jack and Jill
• Worst Supporting Actress: David Spade, as Monica in Jack and Jill
• Worst Supporting Actor: Al Pacino, as himself in Jack and Jill
• Worst Screen Ensemble: the entire cast of Jack and Jill
• Worst Director: Dennis Dugan, Jack and Jill
• Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel: Jack and Jill (remake/rip-off of Ed Wood’s Glen or Glenda)
• Worst Screen Couple: Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino, OR Adam Sandler, Jack and Jill
• Worst Screenplay: Jack and Jill, screenplay by Steve Koren and Adam Sandler

The Sandman has long been a polarizing force in modern American cinema. Most non-curmudgeons are able to find joy and solace in some part of the man’s extensive filmography, whether it be in his early, classic broad comedies, his latter-day dramatic work, or at least one or two of the hummus jokes from You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. And commercially, his track record is unimpeachable; the man makes $100 million movies the way normal people make bad Internet-time-spending decisions. But, at least since 2000’s Little Nicky — Sandler’s first real abomination as a leading man — he’s never been too far from the bottom of the barrel. With all due respect for his talents, his accomplishments, and his passions, Adam Sandler’s potential for producing utter dreck is constantly at peak levels. With Jack and Jill, as Sandler’s historic Razzie haul illustrates, he finally maxed out that potential. Take it all in, folks — you won’t likely see another performance like this anytime soon.