“I reject Chris Brown’s comeback! Lemon out.” — Liz Lemon, last night’s 30 Rock
I also reject Chris Brown’s comeback! Lambert in! What does it take for Rihanna to unfollow and block Chris Brown on Twitter? How about a freestyle over Kanye’s “Theraflu” from the ex-boyfriend she’s still in love with, even though he beat her to a pulp, that implicates she’s worthless because she screws a lot of guys? Chris Brown’s new lyrics go, “Don’t fuck with my old bitch like it’s a bad fur / Every industry n***a done had her / Shook the tree like a pumpkin just to smash her / Bitch is breaking codes, but I’m the password.” Brown has already denied that the verse was about Rihanna, taking to his Twitter and saying “Assumptions! I didn’t say any names so if u took offense to it then its something you feel guilty about.” Another vague non-apology from a guy with a well-documented history of non-apologizing. Rihanna had wished Chris “happy birthday” just four days ago. He turned 23, which means he should grow up by the time he is 90. She has now blocked him.
The grossness of Brown’s accusations aside (she’s looking for a new boyfriend, dumbass), Rihanna has been weathering her own controversy after she didn’t show up to her SNL dress rehearsal, saying she was sick. She tweeted a picture of a penicillin IV in her arm to prove it, which some gossip sites posted as evidence that she’d been hospitalized for partying too hard. There are also rumors that Jay-Z is distancing himself from working with the out-of-his-control Rihanna in favor of her tamer Albanian clone, Rita Ora. Promoting a fifth single from her sixth album while doing the press tour for her film debut Battleship, it’s not hard to believe that an exhausted Rihanna might get sick on the road. It’s also not hard to believe that she might try to use nonstop work to drown her sorrows over getting rejected and then humiliated again by Chris Brown, having gone out of her way to publicly forgive him and help his lame career by doing the “Birthday Cake” and “Turn Up the Music” remixes. Rihanna is not the first person in the world to make up a professional reason to get back in the life of an ex, nor is she the first (or last) person to watch that plan blow up in her face.
Riri is not entirely innocent in this scenario, either, having initially directed her hostility toward Brown’s girlfriend Karrueche Tran, posting some racist-sounding tweets about her. Rihanna has been acting wildly erratic on Twitter lately, getting in fights with followers, and posting photos from a junky Queens strip club tagged with #rolemodelshit as well as pix of her passing out in a hotel bed. You get the sense that she is very lonely, looking for attention from strangers in lieu of specific attention. Her favorited tweets reveal her more sensitive side; the astrological differences between Pisces (Rihanna) and Taurus (Chris Brown), and quotes like “It’s crazy what a woman will put up with for the man she loves” and “it sucks when you can have anyone except for the one.”
There’s speculation that Drake’s verse on the 2Chainz song “No Lie” is also a Rihanna dis. You can judge for yourself: “Oh that look like what’s her name / Chances are it’s what’s her name / Chances are, if she was acting up / Then I fucked her once and never fucked again / She could have a Grammy, I still treat that ass like a nominee / Just need to know what that p***y like so one time, it’s fine with me.” That is cold, Drake! I thought you wanted to be the sensitive, ladies-choice rapper! But I have also always believed you to be at your core a hypocrite! Rihanna has five Grammies and collaborated with Drake on “What’s My Name?” He has said before that Rihanna once showed him a lot of personal attention and then disappeared. She’s still following Drake on Twitter, which means either she doesn’t think it’s about her, hasn’t heard it, or just cares more about Breezy’s head game than Wheelchair Jimmy in general, which you know must make Drake insane.
One thing I know is that people don’t usually talk loudly and often about how much they don’t want to fuck somebody unless they’re being defensive about the fact that they obviously do. People who genuinely don’t care just don’t say anything. Talking about it, or rather rapping about it, is a surefire sign that there’s more going on. The love triangle involving Rihanna, Drake, and Chris Brown is more complex and unresolved than a surface read would imply. Actually, maybe Chris Brown really is just as much of an asshole as it appears. While I’m kind of rooting for Lancelot, a.k.a. Drake (underdog!), and obviously not for any facet of Chris Brown’s career, I am mostly rooting for Rihanna to find a completely new love interest that will make her get over her horrible ex. If Adele can do it, so can she.