A Considered Discussion of That Unexpected Three-Minute Jay-Z Magna Carta Holy Grail Infomercial From Last Night
A three-minute Jay-Z commercial infiltrated the NBA Finals last night. Rembert Browne and Andrew Sharp got a little excited about it.
Rembert: I’m dead right now.
Sharp: WHAT IS THIS? Is that Rick Rubin??
Sharp: I wanna go back to that studio. I wanna go back to that studio. I wanna go back to that studio. Get Simmons + Magic off the screen.
Rembert: WHO ARE THESE FOUR GUYS, WHERE IS JAY?
Sharp: You can’t convince me Barack Obama wasn’t somewhere in that studio.
Rembert: Or out making deliveries. I mean, you know …
Sharp: They’re saving that commercial for Game 7.
Rembert: Have you seen Fade to Black?
Sharp: NO, somehow.
Rembert: OMG. There are scenes with Jay/Pharrell and Jay/Timbo and Jay/Rick. All are mind-blowing.
Sharp: An extended, uncut version of this commercial would/will be better than the actual album.
Sharp: It’s also great to see Timbaland is back to being fat. The universe makes sense again.
Rembert: He’s Boris Diaw Timbaland right now, which is a healthy Timbo, but not a jacked Timbo, which was exciting but worrisome.
Sharp: PEDs Timbo set a bad example for all the future chubby megaproducers out there.
Rembert: What are the things that exist that give a project more credibility than a lounging, soothsayer-like Rick Rubin? Are there those things?
Rembert: Also, replace Rick Rubin with Scott Storch. THAT’S the commercial I’ve been waiting for.
Sharp: Scott Storch would turn this into an after-hours series on Showtime. And it would be great. They could all meet in the studio on his repossessed yacht.
Sharp: But Rick Rubin.
Rembert: Thank you. He’s worth $400 million, you know.
Sharp: And I don’t think he has showered in years. Maybe we should all stop showering.
Rembert: I have stopped showering, which is why I have three beats on the upcoming MagnaCartaHolyGrail. Also, that name. What do you think?
Sharp: Is Rick Rubin the Dumbledore of rap music?
Rembert: It’s kinda FutureSex/LoveSounds-y to me, which is weird b/c they’re going on tour together this summer. MAGNASEX/LOVEGRAIL.
Sharp: I like anything that actively feeds Jay-Z Illuminati/Free Mason conspiracy theories, and holy shit, he named his album THE HOLY GRAIL. So I’m on board. Also, he’s gonna have 10 million people Wikipedia-ing the Magna Carta in the next three weeks. SMARTEN UP, NAS.
Rembert: Nas should name his next album TrumanDoctrinePlessyFerguson. Or, you know, something similarly bombastic. HE’S GOT THE MAGNA CARTA AND YEEZUS TO DEAL WITH.
Sharp: OK, but do you think Jay told Kanye about this?
Rembert: Kanye had no idea. If he did, he would have been in the studio.
Sharp: What is Yeezus thinking tonight? Is Jay Judas now?
Rembert: Well first off, he’s thinking about fatherhood.
Rembert: But, like one second after that thought, he’s FURIOUS.
Sharp: JAY STOLE RICK RUBIN. RAP DUMBLEDORE.
Rembert: Here’s the thing, though. When Kanye wins, Jay wins. But when Jay wins, Kanye doesn’t win.
Sharp: Life is hard for little brother.
Rembert: Any final thoughts? I haven’t seen the commercial in six minutes. And I need to get back to that.
Sharp: Final thoughts: As usual, we need to organize ourselves and vote Swizz off the island. And Jay’s sweatshirt.
Sharp: Jay, I AM HOME.
Sharp: Almost Famous, the Rick Rubin remix.
Rembert: As long as Ruff Ryders Swizz shows up, I’m fine with him around. I think he and Jay have had that convo.
Rembert: Jay’s sweatshirt is everything.
Sharp: The Holy Grail of sweatshirts.
Rembert: One final thought. Pharrell (40), Timbo (42), Jay (43), Rick (50) … SWIZZ (34). I don’t have a point to make, but all of these ages are startling to look at.
Sharp: So they are the Spurs? I guess taking it back to the basketball game is a good idea.
Rembert: What basketball game?