A Brief Journey Into the Dark Heart of JuggaloBook
It was only a matter of time.
Yesterday, word got out to much of the non-degenerate world that after years of domination, Facebook finally had a serious competitor. No, not Twitter2. Or Google++. Or LinquedIn.
If reading that word, potentially this great world’s final portmanteau, doesn’t register with you sourly, then up until now you have lived a full, happy life. You haven’t been cursed to know the ins and outs of the Juggalos.
(Feel free to skip ahead if you’ve already been infected.)
“Juggalos” are devout followers of
rap musical duo Insane Clown Posse and other acts under the Psychopathic Records umbrella.
Some other tidbits of information:
• “[Juggalos come] from all walks of life – from poverty, from rich, from all religions, all colors. […] It doesn’t matter if you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, or a crack rock in your mouth.”
• Characteristics include: “1) Drinking and spraying the inexpensive soft drink Faygo, 2) Listening to horror-themed rap music, 3) Wearing face paint, 4) Wearing HatchetGear, 5) Doing hair in the spider legs style, i.e. like the Twiztid members, and 6) Displaying the gesture of wicked clown, the “westside” sign with the left hand and the C sign in ASL with the right, with arms crossed over.”
• “The Federal Bureau of Investigation’s 2011 National Gang Threat Assessment classifies Juggalos as a ‘loosely-organized hybrid gang” whose transient nature makes them difficult to monitor effectively.'”
Haters gonna hate.
• The annual gathering of Juggalos is a festival, appropriately titled, “Gathering of the Juggalos.”
• Juggalos (and Juggalettes) only rival #TeamBreezy in their musical mob mentality and irrational love for an artist.
• Like #TeamBreezy, as soon as anything is published negatively against Juggalos’ leaders, the ill-speaker is targeted.
• The second this piece is published, my life is in immediate danger.
• Juggalos are still not as bad as #TeamBreezy.
• If the Juggalos and #TeamBreezy ever join forces, it’ll be like that time in ’87 when the Jetsons met the Flintstones, but for evil.
Normally, news of this comical nature wouldn’t divert me from my regular schedule, but I happened to learn of this during hour six of an 18-hour Amtrak train ride. After learning how to clear my web history, it became clear that my final 12 hours on this train would involve me learning everything possible about juggalobook.com.
Some highlights (there are hundreds):
The Homepage: After typing in “juggalobook.com” and hitting enter, you are greeted with a screen that looks quite similar to that other social networking site for non-Faygo spraying, clean-faced punks. One familiar aspect is the map of connectivity, showing the vastness of the network, but with a slightly different title: “JuggaloBook, a Social Network for the Underground Family.” While I respect the customization of the header, I could have also used a realistic customization of the map. I know music is worldwide and all, but I still need more convincing that Juggalos exist in Oslo, Cape Town, Yemen, and Manhattan. Why not just blow up a county map of the Detroit suburbs?
Signing In: While I have few issues putting myself out there on the Internet, something just didn’t feel right with registering an account on Juggalobook under “Rembert Browne.” Call me a coward, but it just wasn’t happening. Luckily, “Amtrak Winklevoss” as a display name wasn’t taken, and neither was “Juggletrak” as a username. I was set.
Gender Role: For some reason, when I scrolled over the gender tab, I thought it would say “male” or “female.” That’s got to be one of the dumber things I’ve ever assumed, because scrolling over it presented me with three very different options: “Juggalo,” “Juggalette,” or “Juggalo (female).” I can’t lie, I respect this. JuggaloBook, already 10 times more progressive than anything else on the Internet.
Confirmation E-mail: Just when I was impressed with the lack of binary gender designations, I got my very welcoming confirmation e-mail: “Hello Amtrak Winklevoss, Whoop Whoop!! Thanks for joining JuggaloBook – A Social Network for the Underground Family!” I felt at home. And then, “Get familiar with your Dashboard, from there you can chat with your homies or post a video or news feed!” Homies? Yes. I’ve been waiting my whole Internet life for a safe space like this.
At this point, I was just waiting for the link to load, finally taking me to the promised land. There’s nothing really like the feeling of waiting for the JuggaloBook homepage to finish buffering. In my mind, it would probably involve fireballs flying across the screen, little children in ICP face paint cursing at me whenever I add a friend or “like” a status, and a social network full of beautiful, intelligent, mid-20s women waiting to meet me and discuss Super Tuesday.
Two Minutes In: This is the wildest site ever. It’s like an angsty, demented Facebook. There’s a news feed, but it’s for everyone, not just your “Homies” (which is good, because I don’t have any yet). The default message in the status update bar is “What up, Ninja,” which I have no issue in calling problematic. There’s a rolling chat on the right side of the screen, complete with conversations of hipsters that shop at Urban Outfitters vs. Hot Topic, Faygo, Whoop! Whoop!, and Juggalos looking for hot ‘Lettes (short for Juggalettes, duh). Oh, and like 10 of the nastiest things I’ve ever seen typed.
Five Minutes In: Just realized that on JuggaloBook, instead of “liking” a comment, you give it a “Whoop Whoop!” Phenomenal. Juggalo Honig’s comment “Yo Yo Yo White Power” has no “Whoop Whoops!” yet, but I have a really good feeling that’ll change. Just hang in there, Ninja.
10 Minutes In: After getting over my stage fright, I finally posted my first chat room post: “None of you know about that HuffPo like I do, #FAYGOSPRAY.” No replies. A conversation about what’s “mainstream” completely wiped me out. I’ll have to work on my angles in the future.
15 Minutes In: Right as I returned to my news feed, prepping to post a public post, a.k.a. a beg for Homies, Mad Clown Disease posted this poll (oh yeah, there are polls):
Who was a more important figure in shaping post-World War 2 America as a superpower?
-John F. Kennedy
-Shaggy 2 Dope
I GAVE IN. I VOTED FOR SHAGGY 2 DOPE. I’M NOT GETTING ANY HOMIES BY SPREADING THE GREAT PRINCIPLES OF JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY.
I thought I’d make it 12 hours, but I was emotionally spent after 20 minutes. I went to to sleep. But I’m not done with JuggaloBook in the slightest sense. I’m sort of obsessed. My plan is to spend one hour on the social networking site each day for a week, make some connections via the interwebs, see if they have a presence at SXSWinteractive, and then report back with my final take on JuggaloBook. In the meantime, I recommend that you get involved and see if you can make it 20 minutes.