Dancing With the Stars Does Game of Thrones: A Ballroom Dance With Two-Left-Footed Dragons

We suppose we’re all expected to shit the green wildfire of excitement because Dancing With the Stars decided to do a Game of Thrones tribute last night. But why couldn’t Khaleesi Smirnoff be bothered to go blonde instead of insulting the Mother of Dragons with that disrespectfully inaccurate hairdo? And there are like four swords and a couple of prop-quality daggers bolted to their tragic excuse for an Iron Throne; Joffrey wouldn’t squat upon that thing with Robb Stark’s severed ass.

The worst of it, though, is when Bruno Tonioli, obviously as concerned with Westerosi verisimilitude as the DWTS wigmaster and thronesmithy, calls Khal Drogo “Kingslayer.” What? At that moment, Corbin Bleu was well within his rights to pour molten gold upon the clueless judge’s head and then feed his still-beating heart to the moon of his life. You can’t be the Stallion Who Mounts the World and just stand there like a slack-jawed chump while an Elton John background dancer says you move like Conan the Barbarian. Your khalasar will abandon you after such a show of weakness, even if that guy has a valid point about the flow of your lines. Kill first, tighten them up later.

Filed Under: Dancing With the Stars, Game of Thrones

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Mark Lisanti is an editor at Grantland.

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