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The Quest for Mediocrity

The Sports Guy embarks on a mission to try to salvage the most abysmal NFL handicapping season of his career

Could I go 16-0 against the spread this weekend and still finish with the most abysmal handicapping season of my career? Improbably, unbelievably … yes!1 I’m 28 games under .500 with one week remaining, not counting the three times I pooped in the fridge and ate a whole wheel of cheese. It’s been a legendary run of stupid picks, poor instincts and dreadful luck that included my worst NFL weekend ever (2-13), as well as 16 straight weeks without 10-plus wins (which is practically impossible).

The good news? Unlike Gary Kubiak, Mike Shanahan and Leslie Frazier, I can’t get fired from this column. I run Grantland! I’m the Jerry Jones of this place! I can keep going .500 or worse, year after year after year, while repeatedly assigning myself Grantland’s gambling corner without earning it. And nobody can do anything about it. I wish there were a way to sit in a fancy luxury suite watching my terrible picks unfold as my son-in-law picked his nose and hung on my every word.

Anyway, we’re on a slightly shorter word count for the Week 17 picks because I didn’t want to screw over Grantland’s editing staff over the holidays with a rambling 8,000-word opus that included 50 typos and 20 probably-incorrect-and-needed-to-be-checked factual statements. Thanks to Mike Philbrick, Dan Fierman, Megan Creydt, Craig Gaines, Patricia Lee and Danny Chau for saving my bacon dozens and dozens of times over these last few months, as well as for talking me out of at least 15 inappropriate jokes, five really inappropriate jokes and three REALLY inappropriate jokes. Happy holidays to them, happy holidays to you, happy holidays to the writers and editors who helped make Grantland such a consistently good website in 2013, and happy holidays to every reader who sent in a funny/informative/enlightening/insane email that ended up making this column. And remember, tonight thank God it’s them, instead of youuuuuuuuuuu.

(Home teams in caps … )

UTTERLY MEANINGLESS

TITANS (-7) over Texans
D.C. Daceys (+3.5) over GIANTS
VIKINGS (-3) over Lions
2

The Stakes: Put it this way … all six head coaches might be gone by Monday afternoon.

If you watch even two minutes of any of these games, it’s safe to say that (a) you love one of those teams a little too much, (b) you want one last chance to scream at the TV at one of those coaches, (c) you want to make sure your team (in this case, the Texans) gets Teddy Bridgewater, (d) your team needs a starting QB and you’re scouting Kirk Cousins so you’re not blindsided by the $45 million free-agent offer he gets, (e) you have a severe gambling problem, (f) you hate yourself, (g) Bane showed up for one of them and you wanted to see the carnage.

Since we’re here, I’d like to apologize to the entire Lions fan base for writing last week that they had graduated from the Sympathy Zone, just two days before their pathetic collapse against the pathetic Giants prematurely ended their pathetic season. The Lions have won exactly one playoff game in 56 years. They’ve suffered more Thanksgiving humiliations than anyone other than the turkey population. They’ve hired 13 head coaches since 1964 — not including the soon-to-be-fired Jim Schwartz, not one of those coaches landed another head coaching job. Their most successful coach since 1973? Wayne Fontes … who finished 66-67. I could keep going. Just know that three Lions fans emailed me the “When I die, I hope the Lions will be my pallbearers so they can let me down one more time” joke.3

MEANINGFUL BUT INEVITABLE

Broncos (-13) over RAIDERS
SEAHAWKS (-11.5) over Rams

The Stakes: Denver and Seattle clinch no. 1 seeds by winning, so they’re dying for you to throw them into a three-team, 10-point teaser. (Fine, twist my arm.)

A few random points here …

• I love when athletes go out of their way to break cool records. One of my favorite random sports moments ever: Larry Legend unabashedly going for a team-record 60 in New Orleans nine days after McHale scored 56.

So when Peyton Manning threw four TD passes in already-decided fourth quarters in Weeks 14 and 16 to break Tom Brady’s record? I totally supported the stat-padding. You always go after a cool record. Always. Brady’s biggest mistake was not padding his stats more in 2007 — he could have easily gotten to 55-57 touchdowns and put that record away for life. Still, if Brady did in 2007 what Manning did in Week 15 and Week 16, the media would have had a Justine Sacco–level freak-out. It’s just a fact. Remember pieces like this and this? In 2013, you’re the Sportsman of the Year. Pretty funny. Anyway, I predict Evil Manning goes for the 55/55 combo (55 TDs, 5,500 yards) and tries to put that record away. That’s exactly what he should do. When are we seeing 55 TDs and 5,500 yards again?

• Joel in Des Moines has a different prediction for Week 17: “Manning goes 15-for-37 with 213 yards passing, 2 TD and 1 INT … that would give him a season completion percentage of 66.6, as well as 666 pass attempts and a Week 17 QB rating of holy smokes — 66.6! It’s a stretch, but not impossible. I’m rooting for Evil Manning to have the most Satanic season of all time!” So am I, Joel. So am I.

• After I questioned SI‘s choice of Manning for Sportsman of the Year, Drew from Jersey dinged me for missing “the obvious choice — 43-year-old Mariano Rivera recovered from a torn ACL to become a top closer again. While doing this, Mariano met with the crew and staff of every stadium he visited during the season as part of his retirement tour. There is no more universally respected and loved athlete in America. If SI was really trying to pick the man that represented what sports is all about in 2013, the choice is Mariano and it isn’t close.” Totally agree. They didn’t pick Mo for the same reason they didn’t pick David Ortiz — they had already written about him. I’m revising my rankings to Rivera first, Ortiz second, Tim Duncan third, Manning fourth, and Aaron Hernandez last.

• Maybe this helped Manning’s “Sportsman” case: A Minneapolis reader named Owen sent along a picture called “Mustachioed Peyton Manning from the 1870s!” I don’t know where it came from, I don’t know how he found it … but WOW!

Olde Tyme Manning

• Telling email from James in Houston: “I had a layover in San Francisco on my way to Seattle before Christmas. Prior to departing, one of the flight attendants announced we were headed to ‘the home of the future world champion Seattle Seahawks.’ I’m not sure if this was just part of the rivalry between the two cities or a bad omen that the Seahawks fans are already celebrating a championship. Already celebrating a championship is the opposite of ‘nobody believes in us,’ right? When’s the last time an ‘everybody believes in us’ team won it all? One of the last Patriots Super Bowls?”

Maybe James explained why Seattle blew last week’s Arizona game? A football team’s butt can only hold so much blown smoke. The last contender to clinch “consensus favorite” status in December and actually win that year’s Super Bowl? The 2004 Pats. So even if I think the Seahawks are thumping St. Louis in one of those get-back-on-track thrashings, really, their best move would be stinking in this Rams game, sneaking out an ugly victory in the last few minutes, then heading into the playoffs as the no. 1 seed with question marks like “Their offensive line is shaky” and “They don’t have anyone who can make a big play!” In other words, dump more smoke out of their ass. You do NOT want to be the favorite heading into January.

FALCONS (+6.5) over Panthers
PATRIOTS (-9) over Bills
Jaguars (+11) over COLTS

The Stakes: Indy could potentially steal a no. 3 seed (if Cincy loses) or a no. 2 seed (if New England loses, too). Meanwhile, New England and Carolina can lock down no. 2 seeds with wins and maybe even no. 1 seeds if Denver and/or Seattle choke (see above). Your best bet for wonkiness: Atlanta upsetting the Panthers at home. Major Letdown Game potential for Carolina? No Steve Smith? A rocking Atlanta dome? Tony Gonzalez’s last game ever? Thousands of gamblers blindly throwing Carolina into two-team teasers? Be afraid, Panthers fans. Be very afraid.

Quick note on the Pats: Their best 12 players in April were Tom Brady, Vince Wilfork, Rob Gronkowski, Jerod Mayo, Aaron Hernandez, Logan Mankins, Nate Solder, Sebastian Vollmer, Aqib Talib, Devin McCourty, Shane Vereen and Rob Ninkovich in some order. Only four of them finished the Baltimore game last week; six aren’t coming back. As fellow Pats fan Jay Jaroch points out, “We had four guys starting for us in Baltimore — [Sealver] Siliga, Chris Jones, [Matthew] Mulligan, and [Josh] Kline — who were signed off the street. Not rookie free agents, not guys signed off some other team’s practice squad. Four dudes who were signed off their couch.” Manning has Demaryius Thomas, Julius Thomas, Wes Welker, Eric Decker and Knowshon Moreno; Tom Brady has Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, Aaron Dobson, Matthew Mulligan and LeGarrette Blount. And somehow the Pats are 11-4, but in all four losses, they had the ball in the final two minutes with a legitimate chance to win or tie.

Look, I can see Ron Rivera winning Coach of the Year — we’ll always remember the Riverboat Ron transformation, and that wasn’t exactly an easy team to coach (especially with its schedule). He did a fantastic job. But if Andy Reid beats out Belichick for taking over a talented team, being gift-wrapped a cream puff schedule and losing the only two games they played that truly mattered? That’s ridiculous. You’re telling me Andy Reid could have led the 2013 Patriots to a 12-4 record? Please. Would you rather have Belichick or Reid coaching your team right now? Be honest. I thought so. And that concludes another episode of “I Know I’m a Huge F-ing Homer, But You Have to Admit, I Made Some Pretty Good Points.”4

That kind of flawed brilliance deserves a mini-mailbag speed round …

Q: If Tony Romo is “bad sex” as one of your readers so brilliantly put it in last week’s mailbag, what does that make Minnesota’s QBs?
—Kurt, Anchorage

SG: Prison sex.

Q: Is there still time for Cleveland to flip Anthony Bennett for a first-round pick, or are people wise to that trick after Cleveland managed to dump Trent Richardson?
—Jake, Tampa

SG: There’s plenty of time to flip the Notorious DNP for a first-round pick! We just had an NBA team willingly trade for $37 million of Rudy Gay! Anything is possible.

Q: Isn’t the 2013 Bears season a direct comparison to the movie The Replacements? Josh McCown is Shane Falco and Jay Cutler is jerk QB Eddie Martel. Josh/Shane leads the team to a few wins when Jay/Eddie comes back and expects to start (and does). Isn’t this all leading to a halftime meltdown by Jay during the Packers game when he starts insulting his WRs? Then Josh swings in, say he can win with these guys and leads a 2nd half comeback to vault the Bears in the Super Bowl!
—Casey, Elmhurst

SG: When you’re banking on your team’s parallels to a sports movie that yielded the unforgettable Keanu quote, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever,” I can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. By the way, I may or may not have written 2,720 words about The Replacements once.

Q: The NFC West was 30-10 against the rest of the league? That’s insane. They’ll probably send THREE teams to the playoffs!! What is going on here?? Remember when the Cowboys, Eagles and Giants used to own this league?
—Eric Lam, San Francisco

SG: Only three years ago, I wrote a column wondering if the NFC West was the worst division ever. That division has definitely enhanced its performance, there’s no question.

Q: For us living in the Niagara Region — with dual cable from Toronto and Buffalo areas — you grow up rooting and cheering for four franchises out of your 14 Sympathy Zone teams: Raps, Leafs, Bills and Sabres. In other words, one more than Cleveland — scientific proof that Niagara Falls is the worst place in the world.
—Jim, Niagara Falls

SG: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

(Just kidding … we feel for you, Jim.)

Q: I heard you threatening to quit fantasy football again. After playing for 15 years I finally had had enough and stopped playing three years ago. It was by far one of the best decisions I have ever made! Do it. You’ll be amazed it took you this long.
—John G, Carlsbad, CA

SG: Having Aaron Rodgers’s collarbone sink both of my fantasy seasons was the final straw. I’m quitting. Fantasy football makes me feel inadequate, stupid and unlucky, only there’s no Fantasy Football Cialis lady bringing me a fantasy boner pill and a giant plate of nachos to cheer me up at the end. I just hate it. Huge time suck with a 90 percent chance of feeling like a loser when it’s over. What’s the point again?

Q: You will appreciate this. Me and my friends borrowed from soccer and created a relegation/promotion system for our fantasy football league. The A-League consists of the top 12 teams, while the B-League is a small six-man league. Each year, the bottom two A-League teams are relegated. The B-League promotes the regular season champion and playoff champion to the A-League; if one player wins both titles, the 2nd place finisher gets the other promotion. The B-League is not allowed to play for money. There is no trophy. It’s purposely kept at six teams in order to ensure it never becomes respectable. You’re only playing for a promotion. Everyone who gets relegated assumes they’ll waltz through the B-League and be back the next year, but the B-League is the Wild West of fantasy football. With only six teams, large rosters, and generous points, you can’t predict who will win week-to-week because everyone has an amazing team on paper. We are now four years in. We’ve had founding members be relegated, last-place finishers win the playoffs and sneak a promotion, and newly promoted teams make the playoffs. Next year, four of the original six B-League teams will be in the A-League. Thoughts?
—Peter, Madison, WI

SG: One of the five or six greatest ideas I’ve ever heard. I am back in with fantasy football! WOO-HOOO!!!!!!! GET ME IN A RELEGATION LEAGUE YESTERDAY!!!!!!!

Q: I’m not advocating for anything surpassing that Scottie Pippen/Mr. Submarine commercial (from last week’s column), but I have another poorly produced local ad that’s worth your attention. It features Zack Kassian (then a junior hockey player, now of the Vancouver Canucks) and some random Russian guy promoting Subway. It’s an all-timer for awkwardness and prompter reading.
—Cam Stuerke, Kelowna, BC

SG: Absolutely tremendous! Even better — you inadvertently worked in an original Grantland sponsor! And you made me hungry. Well done, Cam. By the way, after the dramatic debut of Scottie’s Mr. Submarine ad last week, I received so many submissions of other poorly produced commercials starring athletes that I’m saving them for their own post. Thanks to everyone who sent something in. Ladies, let’s have a party!

MEANINGFUL BUT INEVITABLE … AND ALSO SUPER-FRUSTRATING

Bucs (+13) over SAINTS
CARDINALS (PK) over 49ers

The Stakes: This is easy …

If the Saints win, they’re the no. 6 seed. If the Saints lose and Arizona wins, the Cards get the no. 6 seed. If the Saints win and Carolina loses, New Orleans gets the no. 2 seed.

If the Niners win, they get a no. 2 seed if Seattle loses and a no. 1 seed if Seattle AND Carolina lose.

If the Bucs win, their season just “really sucked” instead of “totally and irredeemably sucked.”

You know how this will play out — New Orleans and Arizona both prevail, leading to 48 hours of Talking Head Guys saying, “I’ll tell ya what, guys — if the Cardinals were in the AFC? I’d pick them to make the Super Bowl. I would PICK THEM TO MAKE THE SUPER BOWL IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, GUYS!”

But seriously — what a shame that the Cards won’t make the playoffs. Not because there should be a rule that any non-playoff team that wins three or more games than a division winner should get to take that division winner’s playoffs. Not because they have the league’s best defense right now, and not because no team should be able to win 11 games with Carson Palmer in 2013 unless it’s a semi-pro team. No, I’m upset because we can’t bet against Palmer in Round 1. THIS IS BULLSHIT! We were cheated!!!! Come on, Mike Glennon — there’s still time to save this!

Playoffs or no playoffs, the Cardinals still came away from 2013 with the Sneaky-Good Coach of the Year (Bruce Arians). As for the rest of our Sneaky-Good Watch for Week 17: Bruce Arians … a 107-catch season for Pierre Garcon (!?!?!?!?) … all sideline shots of a trying-not-to-seem-pissed-off RG3 … the Eddie Lacy/Le’Veon Bell/Keenan Allen ROY battle … Julian Edelman’s 2013 stats vs. Wes Welker’s 2012 stats (not as far off as you’d think) … Matt Schaub’s chances to become a TV analyst next season … the Brad Meester catch … every Giovani Bernard highlight run … the Bengals’ Round 1 blowout potential (they’ve topped 40 points four times in the past two months) … Marty Hurney’s draft record … Arizona winning in Seattle despite four Palmer picks (??????) … Indy quietly putting together a compelling case as a home dog in Round 1 … Nick Foles having an outside chance to finish with 30 TDs and a 15-to-1 TD/INT ratio … I’m not so sure that this isn’t not going to be Dan Dierdorf’s last regular-season game.

MEANINGFUL IN A TOTALLY CONFUSING WAY

Ravens (+6.5) over BENGALS
Jets (+5.5) over DOLPHINS
STEELERS (-7) over Browns
CHARGERS (-9) over The Absolutely Nothing To Play For Chiefs

The Stakes: By winning, Cincy clinches a no. 3 seed (and no. 2 seed if the Pats lose). Everything else is super-duper confusing. Basically, the Ravens/Dolphins/Steelers/Chargers have to win if they want the no. 6 seed. If all four lose, Baltimore gets it. If all four win, Miami gets it. In any other scenario, the no. 6 seed is decided by every possible super-complicated tiebreaker short of “Each team nominates one player for a ‘Whip It Out’ contest.”5 After crunching the probability odds, my illegitimate son Bill Barnwell reports that Miami has a 67.7 percent chance; San Diego is 15.5 percent; Baltimore is 14.1 percent; Pittsburgh is 2.7 percent; and 88.9 percent of NFL fans will say, “Who cares? Any of those teams will lose in Cincy, anyway.”

My prediction: Pittsburgh blows out The Secretly Tanking Browns, Baltimore barely loses in Cincy and Miami shockingly falls to the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS.6 Hey, there’s life for the Steelers yet! We head into the late games with Pittsburgh’s fans banking on Kansas City’s second string to come through in San Diego … only to watch in horror as Phil Rivers fist-pumps, finger-points and psycho-grins his way to a convincing victory that will inevitably be blacked out in Southern California because Roger Goodell hates everyone who lives in Los Angeles. Your 2013 no. 6 seed in the AFC, defying 6-to-1 odds against it happening … the Chargers of San Diego! Could you talk me into taking Phil Rivers in Cincy in Round 1? Actually … yes! YES YOU COULD!

(Cut to everyone in San Diego screaming, “NOOOOOOOOO! BILLY ZIMA SKUNKED US! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!)

Without further ado, our last Shakey’s Pizza Watch of the 2013 season: Miami’s offensive line … Matt Stafford: 23 turnovers and counting, 10.6 QBR in last six fourth quarters, effectively below-average unless Calvin Johnson is 100 percent … Rex Ryan’s dwindling chances of getting fired (especially if they upset Miami) … Mike Tomlin’s clock management at the end of the Green Bay game (and in general) … a Week 16 without the token “Don’t Get Divorced” Saturday game … NBC choosing Dallas-Philly as its flex game over Green Bay–Chicago, then Romo going down within 24 hours … Carolina’s passing attack without Steve Smith … Brady’s high fives … New Orleans now likely needing to win four times away from the Superdome to win the title (yeah, right) … Seattle’s offense against any good defense … all the love on Monday for Candlestick Park (a hellhole and a dump by all accounts) … every S.F. fan who gets mad at the previous sentence even though Candlestick Park, by all accounts, was a hellhole and a dump … Von Miller blowing out his ACL during the same season in which he magically added 16 pounds of solid muscle to his already muscular body … me creating the Jim Caldwell All-Stars for “Most Lifeless Sideline Demeanors” but somehow leaving off Dick Jauron, Dave Wannstedt, Dom Capers and Lovie Smith.7

Special thanks to Shakey’s for fake-sponsoring that segment all season, and thanks to Jon from Scottsdale for sending along this ancient picture of Lynda Carter wearing a Shakey’s Pizza T-shirt.

Lynda Carter

Seeing an iconic ’70s babe in a historically gross pizza chain’s T-shirt really put me through the gamut of emotions. If you built a Hall of Fame for ’70s Babes, our first induction class would be Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, Cheryl Ladd, Lynda Carter and Jayne Kennedy. One year later, Catherine Bach, Jacqueline Bisset, Pam Grier, Cheryl Tiegs and Bo Derek would get in. And at that point, Jonah Keri would write a 4,500-word column comparing the twice passed-over Stevie Nicks to Tim Raines and claiming that Randi Oakes had a higher career Babe WARs than Bach. Yeah, right. I’m just happy to introduce a whole new generation of horny guys to the days when Lynda Carter was throwing 102 MPH.

WIN OR GO HOME

BEARS (+3) over Packers

The Stakes: The NFC North. Who wants it? (Waiting.) Seriously … who wants it? (Still waiting.) Um … does anyone want it?

You have to admit, the Packers couldn’t have played this any more perfectly. They didn’t rush Rodgers back or risk his health long term. They inadvertently proved that Rodgers heals at the same rate as normal human beings, moving him into a two-way tie with Derrick Rose on the “Well, At Least We Know HE’S Not Cheating” Power Rankings. They developed a legitimate star running back in Eddie Lacy, and they somehow didn’t blow their playoff spot, even after trotting out the likes of Seneca Wallace, Matt Flynn, and Scott Tolzien these last seven weeks. Now they only have to win five straight games and they’re Super Bowl champs? Stranger things have happened. I can’t think of anything specific right now, but stranger things have happened. Let’s break this baby down.

Why the Packers will win: They’re a Team of Destiny at this point. They only have to waltz into Chicago and beat a staggering Bears team that just gave up 85 points in the past two weeks to Nick Foles and Jason Campbell? Really? That’s it? The Bears only won five of their last 12 games, beating Eli and the Giants, Green Bay in the Broken Collarbone game, Baltimore in overtime, Dallas in a Monday-night romp, and a tankeriffic Cleveland team by seven. Any of those victories knock your socks off? Me neither. Throw in the bizarre “Wait a second … are we sure Jay Cutler is better than Josh McCown???” subplot and the Packers have this locked up.

Why the Bears will win: Has there ever been a more glaringly obvious bandwagon pick than the Packers? How often have we overrated one bad performance for the following week? Shouldn’t it mean something that Football Outsiders’ DVOA system ranks Chicago 12th and Green Bay 21st, and has the Packers as football’s fourth-worst defense (and that was before Clay Matthews’s broken thumb knocked him out for the regular season)? What about Lacy limping around on a sprained ankle, or Rodgers and his collarbone repeatedly bouncing off the hard turf in the Probably Freezing Windy City? Wouldn’t the Bears winning a topsy-turvy home game that they reclaim and blow eight times — including at least one Devin Hester kick return TD, one defensive touchdown and one Cutler pass picked off in Green Bay’s end zone — be the most Bears-y possible outcome here?

The Pick: Billy Zima likes grabbing the home dog here. Besides, as Paul-Michael in Wisconsin writes, “After jinxing the Packers season by building your fantasy teams around Aaron Rodgers and Randall ‘Don’t Call Me Reggie’ Cobb, you owe it to Packers fans to put your stink on da Bears and take the points.” Done. Chicago 36, Green Bay 31. Now I can’t lose. Well, except for the searing hatred of everyone from Chicago.

Eagles (-6.5) over COWBOYS

The Stakes: For Philly, the NFC East title. For Dallas, a humiliation/ass-kicking/public degradation from the 49ers in Round 1.

A Portland reader named Max B. put it best: “Is there anything more fitting than the Cowboys losing Romo just as he’s figuring out how to be clutch? Even the Cowboys’ Injury Bug isn’t clutch.” What a bummer. So much for the Romo Chronicles, NBC’s best drama by default. I have a feeling “The Kyle Orton Experience” is getting cancelled after one week. Let’s break this baby down, anyway.

Why the Cowboys Will Win: Because they’re the Kardashians of football … and like the Kardashians, they never, ever, EVER go away. Because a Niners-Eagles Round 1 battle in Philly would be way too much fun, which means it’s destined not to happen. Because DeMarco Murray is going to run amok against a subpar Eagles D. Because Kyle Orton won’t end up being as bad as you remember; in 2013, any QB can look decent for three hours. (Well, except for Blaine Gabbert.) Because Dez Bryant is destined to explode for one of those 220-yard, 3-TD games now that fantasy season is over. Because they’re home dogs, and because everyone and their brother is picking the Eagles. Because Romo’s shadow isn’t hanging over Kyle Orton anymore, even if it would have been oodles of fun if Romo never had back surgery and showed up for Sunday night’s game at the last possible minute, leading to Al Michaels giving us the NFL equivalent of this moment.

Why the Eagles Will Win: Because it took me 20 solid minutes to come up with enough points for that last paragraph. Here’s a prediction: Romo or no Romo, I don’t think the Eagles will punt in this game. That Cowboys defense sucked even before Sean Lee went out for the year. Football Outsiders has it ranked 30th out of 32 … and it has Philly’s offense ranked second. Yikes. If that’s not enough, the wife of die-hard Cowboys fan Cousin Sal (see accompanying sidebar) is scheduled to have his third kid on … that’s right, Sunday night!

The Pick: You’re telling me the Cowboys are shocking the world and making the playoffs without Sean Lee and with Kyle Orton as Cousin Sal watches the game from a hospital delivery room on his iPhone browser? That’s the single most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Eagles 48, Cowboys 20. Have a great holiday weekend and thanks for reading all season.

Last Week: 7-9
Season: 102-130-8

Filed Under: Bill Simmons, NFL, People, Simmons, Sports

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Bill Simmons is the editor-in-chief of Grantland and the author of the New York Times no. 1 best seller The Book of Basketball. For every Simmons column and podcast, click here.

Archive @ BillSimmons

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