The Emmy’s were Sunday night — a big night for Humblebrags. Literally, every single speech given was a Humblebrag. Yet, I felt so immobilized. Since the @Humblebrag account only retweets Humblebrags that are on Twitter, I had no outlet for my rage. I felt like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. So, it’s a relief to let it out here. Here is the main one everyone does that bugs the shit out of me: “I didn’t expect to win, so I didn’t prepare a speech.” You didn’t prepare a speech? You are one of six people on the entire planet who is up for the award and you didn’t think you maybe had an outside chance of winning? Maybe just think about what you would say, like, for a minute. Just a minute of your day. During your morning piss, how about you maybe bat around a couple of ideas so you don’t go up there and just pant for 30 straight seconds.
OK, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Moving forward, this was a very exciting month in Humblebragging. Totes McGotes is back! Though, he was almost beat out by a very promising Humblebrag rookie. Will be interesting to see how this rivalry plays out in the future.
“this just happened. bro at failing commercial bank: ‘why are you a lawyer if you’re pretty and you can cook?’ #rage”
I got a few complaints on Twitter from girls who said that it was sexist of me to Humblebrag this one. And that this girl was just pointing out how misogynistic society can be. That may be, but who cares? She achieved the elusive TRIPLE HUMBLEBRAG, claiming she’s pretty, a good cook, and a lawyer.
So……. Sorry, chicks!
“Argh! just seen someone sitting opposite me on train is reading my book. Quite embarrassed. Watching for signs of enjoyment. He’s frowning.”
Hey man, you know how I know that experience wasn’t actually that embarrassing for you? Because no one knows what authors look like. I promise you that you were in the clear.
Also, “Argh” is the most unconvincing fake-upset sound there is. It’s what cartoons say. You can do better at pretending you aren’t just telling us you have a book out.
Odd Future (aka OFWGKTA) is a relatively new rap group who got famous for bein’ so ka-raaaazzzzyyyy! Anyway, front man Tyler, The Creator is so ba-raaaaggggyyyy!
“I Hope They Don’t Ask For A Photo. I Just Wanna Buy This Movie A Go On With My Day, Cause Then 50 More People Will Ak For One. Fuck”
I assure that you 51 people in any given video store do not know who OFWGTA is.
“How Do I Say ‘No I Don’t Want To Take A Photo, I Am Eating With My Friends, Leave Me The Fuck Alone Dude’ To A Supporter Of Me, In Public?”
Say it to the person asking for a photo, not to Twitter.
“So I Have To Fly Out This Week, I Didn’t Know What Fashion Week Was Until About 3 Hours Ago. Not My Kinda Party, Gonna Be Awkward”
I can’t give him too much shit. He was born in 1991. He is 20 years old. If I got famous when I was 20, I’d also be all “I’m famous!” But still, it’s like, we get it, man — you’re popular! At ease, soldier!
“okay, my reality show is on versus right now..LOL eating Subway, not paying attention
“Last day in Vegas. Did my one-man show UNREAL six times. Six standing ovations. Very humbling reception. Thanks for the support.”
I like when people use the word “humble” in a Humblebrag. Why was this humbling for him? People applauding him made him feel lower than before? I don’t get it. I don’t think he’s using the word correctly. Looks like the only thing his magician made disappear is a DICTIONARY! Magic-burn!!!
Also, you can’t count everyone standing up to leave as a “standing ovation.” Magic-burn number TWO!
“So I have to go to both Emmy awards!!…. Two dresses!!!?!?”
Six punctuation marks!!!?!?
“Just caused a 4 car pile up. Some idiot had his head practically out the passenger side window calling me…. What is wrong with some men?”
Hopefully some of those people died or were at least seriously injured. It would really drive home how hot you are!
Wil Wheaton made the Humblebrag list once before, and subsequently wrote a blog entry defending himself. Fair enough. But, then he later tweeted this:
“I just realized how weird it is that teenidols4u exists and that there are pictures of me there. I mean seriously I don’t even.”
Bam! Irrefutable, Wheaton! Irrefutable!
This is like when O.J. got off for that one thing he did and then got convicted for that other thing he did.
Lot of talk (me to myself) about this guy taking the no. 1 spot this month. He’s good, but let’s see how he holds up.
“Today, a patient asked me if I go to the gym. So awkward when that happens. We’re not here about me. We’re here about you.”
Dr. C, please look at your profile picture and tell me you honestly don’t want people to ask you that. Please. Seriously. Please just do it. Please? Please. I will wait. Please? Come on. Do it. Please?
OK, did you do it? See?
“Looks like I’m going to be working with Taylor Swift I should probably download some of her songs. Life is nuts!”
That it is, buddy. That. It. Is.
“I love that my non college attending, growing up ghetto ass is talking $2.4million dollar ad budgets with a client today. #NoExcuses”
I love it, too.
“Need to head to the golf course. Stressed about invite to Justin Timberlake’s Charity Golf event #ShrinersHospitalsForChildren”
Good luck at the event!
No snark for Totes. Just glad to have him back.
Harris Wittels is a writer for Parks and Recreation and Eastbound and Down. The Humblebrag book will be out in Fall 2012 through Grand Central Publishing.
Previously from Harris Wittels:
Where, Oh Where is Totes McGotes?: August in Humblebrag
The July Humblebrag Power List
The Humblebrag Hall of Fame
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