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Johnny Depp and the Too-Close Costar

And other horror stories from this week's gossip magazines

Every week there are five new gossip magazines covering the same mostly imaginary stories. We scan them for you and select the choicest bits. Consider this your primer for the water cooler.

This Week’s Top 6 Stories

1. Amber Heard and Johnny Depp? The surprise hit of the week. The In Touch story is titled “BISEXUAL ACTRESS: TOO CLOSE TO JOHNNY?” and claims that Amber Heard may have been into Depp because she’s “not 100 percent gay.” Maybe In Touch thinks bisexuals keep a notepad detailing the orientation and number of hookups so as to determine what percentage gay they are at all times. There’s a miserable-looking picture of Vanessa Paradis and her two kids, who “never visited the set,” with Depp. Amber’s homies passive-aggressively joked “We all know how close you two got on set!” Johnny has “not only been out late looking wasted at parties in L.A., but he also partied hard with co-star Amber,” says a fictional source. “The set was wild.” Amber is “a very sexual person” who “is beautiful and she knows it.” The word “wild” shows up a lot. “At the many wild after-parties Johnny threw for the cast, Amber always stayed late, flirted shamelessly with him, and showed off her body. One night she was dancing very seductively.” Just one night? Depp has been with partner Paradis for 13 years, Heard with her girlfriend Tasya Van Ree for two years, but “this is what happens on movie sets.” Meanwhile, “wrapped in a robe,” Heard “shopped for seductive lingerie” and “leisurely browsed the store’s intimates before leaving with her Yorkie” in Soho.

2. Justin Bieber. The Biebster “wouldn’t have had time to say hi to Yeater at the L.A. concert, let alone have sex in the bathroom.” He didn’t have 30 seconds to spare? No! Because he was “busy chatting with Will Smith” and had “an audio crew following his every move.” Yeater’s friends say Justin is obviously not the baby daddy and that Yeater “wasn’t sure who the father was, she said it was between two guys in Ocean Beach. After the accusations broke, girlfriend Selena Gomez “was upset, of course.” If Mariah Yeater can prove she had sex with Justin Bieber, she may be charged with statutory rape.

3. Ten Highlights From 25 Things You Don’t Know About Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger. 1. “I’m the world’s best girlfriend: totally sweet and submissive.” 2. “I used to practice Wicca.” 3. “To get rid of depression I swim with dolphins.” 4. “I love a man with a slip ‘n’ slide chest.” 8. “I was a practicing psychic.” 13. “Give me two shots, and I’ll dance on the table.” 17. “I do a stand-up interactive dating show across the country.” 18. “My favorite drink is cherry-red espresso made with Pucker vodka.” 22. “My favorite show is old Melrose Place. Fuck Beverly Hills 90210.” 25. “When it comes to a man, I’ve got three words: ripped, rich and rugged.”

4. Brad/Angelina. “Angelina Jolie may be one of the most beautiful women in the world but when it comes to her partner Brad Pitt, she’s also one of the most insecure.” She supposedly attacked Brad after catching him “ogling online photos of a sexy co-star.” Wow, really? I thought Brad Pitt hates computers. Not according to In Touch, who add extra fake-sounding details to the tale, where “Angelina went back into the house to grab some water and that’s when she saw Brad on his laptop, looking at photos of Katia Bokor in a black lace bra and panties.” Don’t worry, there’s more: “Since she stole Brad from then-wife Jennifer Aniston six years ago, Angelina has never fully trusted him, fearing that history would repeat itself and he would leave her for a younger, hotter girl.” Her jealousy doesn’t stop there: “Angelina gets jealous of women that are half as attractive as she is.” But she needs to chill, because Brad will “always be surrounded by gorgeous actresses.” But inside their family home “IT’S CHAOS!” (Star) as the kids require different breakfasts. And “Brad and Angelina encourage them to express their feelings with art, so they’re allowed to draw and paint on the walls,” plus the kids are “never reprimanded” so they do things like “yelling at the maids and nannies in French!” Angelina likes to joke that “a big juicy steak” is her “beauty secret.”

5. Kim Kardashian. She’s “coping” (Us), Kris Humpries’ “emails were getting more and more hostile.” She’s lying low because “she feels everyone hates her” but went to Australia “honoring a commitment to promote Kardashian Kollection handbags with younger sis Khloé.” She was hurt by the New York Post saying “No one will believe this shrew is capable of … love” and may quit the spotlight. The whole Kardashian family was “DESTROYED BY GREED” (In Touch). The wedding scandal “showed the ugly truth about how driven by fame and money the Kardashians truly are.” An incredibly staged pic of Kim sucking on a designer lollipop is captioned “So many of the photos of Kim that appear natural are actually staged photo ops to plug products.” Author Jo Piazza compares the Kardashian karnival to “a Ponzi scheme,” and then the magazine points out how Kris Humphries was recently taken in by an actual Ponzi scheme. Their purse designs are ripped off from fancy designer purses! Kim was once “a fun-loving socialite” but now “she has incorporated getting paid into every aspect of her life.” But it’s all momager Kris’s training, since “Kris trains them to take, take, take.” Kim is “walking around in a daze” and staying “up until all hours of the night. She tries to sleep but her mind just won’t stop racing. To Kim’s credit she has not turned to alcohol or pills.” She’s “still in love with Reggie” (OK!). They have “communicated via text message, phone, and computer, culminating in a long, heartfelt conversation via Skype.” She “always looked happier with Reggie.” Reggie “never felt about any woman the way he did about Kim. I haven’t heard him utter one nasty or negative thing since the split happened.” Meanwhile, Kris Humphries is “Home Alone” in Minnesota, where “the counters were custom built for Kris’ tall frame — something that didn’t fit well for the petite Kim.”

6. From Kris Jenner Kardashian’s Memoir: “He was dressed in a blazer and slacks, platform shoes, slicked-back hair, and this big mustache. He looked like the singer Tony Orlando.” “I decided to become an American Airlines flight attendant and flew to Texas to begin flight attendant school.” “He began dating someone else right away: Priscilla Presley.” “Naming her was easy, because I had a girlfriend named Kimberly, and she was beautiful.” “His name was Ryan, and he was a producer. We had wild sex everywhere, all the time.” She claims Nicole Brown said to her about O.J. Simpson, “He’s going to kill me and he’s going to get away with it.” “‘Okay I’m ready to have my boobs done again’, I told my surgeon ‘your boobs look great’ he told me, ‘but let’s do your neck.’”

Us

Best Pictures: A topless and fat-again Kevin Federline wearing round vampire sunglasses and hoop shorts; Justin Bieber wearing diamond stud earrings.
Actual Story: “Pregnant Stars in Sky-High Heels!”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “[A] zest for zigzags!” LeAnn Rimes: “I love taking photos of graffiti.” Mariah on her pregnancy: “I was really into Big Gulps.” Leonardo DiCaprio: “Hoover was a Crock-Pot of eccentricities.” Perfumes recalling “scents that waft when you’re cooking an intimate dinner.”
Miscellaneous: The “Mariah Loses Weight” cover story turns out to be a backdoor infotisement for the new Jenny Craig program. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora are back together, Ryan Gosling loves the “Hey Girl” Gosling meme on Tumblr. One mention of Mark Wahlberg’s Wahlburgers. Katy Perry refusing to talk politics: “I’m just going to stick to whipped cream coming out of my tits.” Kanye went to a Tom Sachs show in New York. Hilary Swank was dumped by her PR firm after accepting payment to go to a “birthday party for Chechen president Ramzan Kadyrov, an alleged murderer and human rights violator.” Jennifer Lopez may produce and star in a movie based on Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? The idea that anyone should or could spend $2,500 on a new Chanel bag because Blake Lively has one. Gaga’s favorite Xmas gift is her “close connection to her fans” (lol), Twilight werewolf Alex Meraz makes being a tween idol sound like being a rentboy when asked if he will keep going to the gym: “Let’s be honest: We are being sold for something more than just acting talent.” Drake “laments” that he is “very single.”

In Touch

Best Pictures: A comparison of Ben Stiller’s high school yearbook photo to Gizmo from Gremlins; the unreleased Kardashian kredit kard with Kim’s tits right smack in the middle; Tom Cruise clutching his daughter’s stuffed panda in one hand; Kate Middleton painting a snail (posh British accent in my mind “I’ve painted a snail”).
Actual Story: “Money Can Buy Happiness!”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “[T]hey’re usually such sullen Cullens,” “I sprayed Crocodilly with my boyfriend’s cologne,” “Mommy needs her wine.”
Miscellaneous: Ricki Lake thinks J.R. Martinez will win Dancing With the Stars because “he’s a better dancer, he’s a war hero, and he’s a great guy.” 56 percent polled think Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart should marry in real life. “My love affair with everything Kardashian is over. I feel like they’ve been exposed to be nothing but money-grubbing fakes,” former fan Ray Miner of Baltimore tells In Touch. Wait what did you think before? Tom Cruise’s son Connor wishes he got more attention from his dad and “can’t ignore the fact that things are different for Suri” juxtaposed with a sad picture of Connor alone and a billion pictures of Tom chillin’ with Suri. “Tom is a very difficult man to get to know on a deep level.” Joe Simpson is “the main reason why it’s taken Jessica Simpson so long to find a man.” Kate Moss is back to partying and “stayed out until the sun came up at a beach rave.” A thing about how “These Guys Make Hotter Ladies Than Adam Sandler” featuring pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, and Johnny Depp in drag. A section called “That’s Incredible” is pictures of posed squirrels (as in, playing a tiny piano).

People

Best Pictures: An extremely uncomfortable-looking Joe Jonas with Britney Spears’ legs wrapped around his neck; a picture of Jon Bon Jovi that I looked at three times before realizing it was not Ellen DeGeneres; Mario Batali and his sons in Crocs; a still from War Horse where the horse’s harnessed-in chest looks like testicles; a shirtless pinup of Harry Shum Jr. promoting the upcoming “Sexiest Man” issue.
Actual Story: “Jim And Michelle Duggar: And Baby Makes 20!”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “Lady Gaga dressed as a satellite landing on the moon.” “Nine days before, she stops eating solids.” “I’ve asked her not to do her booty shake at school.” “The Queen’s flamboyant sister.” “It’s so small there’s no room for servants.” LeAnn Rimes: “I hate bright lights. I love vanilla, pumpkin, and cinnamon right now.”
Miscellaneous: Liam Neeson’s son is named Michael (Irish!). Amanda Knox’s new boyfriend. Adriana Lima’s “lingerie diet.” Another mention of Wahlburgers and a picture of the interior (!) where the names of Mark and Donnie Wahlberg’s projects such as Saw II, The Fighter, “NKOTB,” and Entourage are etched on the ceiling. “The Di Will Be Cast” (on a Princess Di biopic). Jessica Lange in American Horror Story is “funny yet delicately ornate, like a dying tree decorating itself with moss.” Carrie Fisher: “I never went into show business. It surrounded me. A neater trick would’ve been for me to sneak out.” Stephen King channels Eli Cash for his new JFK alternate-history novel: “[B]ut what if you could go back and make sure the killing never happened?” Tom Cruise “will do really crazy and dangerous stunts.” “Not so fast Meryl — could Glenn Close win Best Actress … as a man?” Angelina Jolie’s “script was so authentic” that the film’s star, Zana Marjanovic, “thought a Bosnian wrote it.” Mick Jagger’s daughter Georgia May says “a lot of people my age have never heard of the Rolling Stones before. You’d be surprised.” Tyra Banks: “as a kid I hated Sundays” so she forces her staff to play board games on Monday (lol). Her message is “The bad girls don’t win. If they do, they went through a humbling transformation.” On her shelf: an antique typewriter and a SMIZE teddy bear.

OK!

Best Pictures: Ashley Green and Fergie looking oddly like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in Baby Mama; Jessica Simpson holding a high heel in one hand and a flat in the other; the gigantic Kris Humphries with his two tiny dogs.
Actual Story: “Does Getting De-Friended on Facebook Justify Anger?”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “Stunning!” “Gorgeous!” “Bananas!” “Pies are the new cupcakes in the trendy treat department.” “They enjoyed a Lollipop Passion goblet.” “Poor sexy, talented Cameron Diaz.”
Miscellaneous: Sonja Morgan “emceed the H.U.G. Award Gala.” “With husband Tom Cruise in Dubai shooting his latest Mission Impossible film, Katie Holmes wore an uncharacteristically revealing ensemble.” Jessica Biel “What, Me Marry?” Jessica Biel reads The Atlantic? “It takes some doing to out-cool Pink.” “Dina Lohan is shopping a book in which she blames daughter Lindsay Lohan’s friends, career, and handlers for Lindsay’s excessive partying.” The plot of Jack and Jill is that Al Pacino (as himself) falls in love with Adam Sandler’s sister Jill? I can’t wait for this movie. Lea Michele: “People don’t know this, but a lot of dishes are vegetarian, like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and pasta and sauce.” Megan Furse, movie buff, doesn’t want Ricky Gervais to host the Golden Globes again because “I want to see my stars on a pedestal come awards season.” Jessica Simpson’s wedding is on hold because Eric Johnson won’t agree to a prenup. “He’s laying this whole guilt trip on her about how he believes in true love and she should, too.” During the filming of the Twilight series, Kellan Lutz “always messed around with everyone’s Wikipedia pages.” The sex scene in Breaking Dawn had to be toned down to keep the PG-13 rating, said director Bill Condon, “citing guidelines on ‘thrusting intercourse’” because “Kristen got very into it.” “Top 10 Celeb Problems Money Can’t Solve.” Wide-heeled boots “can embody the rustic romance of the English countryside.”

Star

Best Pictures: Teen mom Farrah’s daughter Sophie looking miserable getting her makeup done; the new two-page holiday Smirnoff ad with Amber Rose; Kendra Wilkinson fielding a catch in long basketball shorts and an oversize T-shirt.
Actual Story: “What the Stars Really Weigh.”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “Event shopping,” “Add a cocktail to the mix and you’re in girl heaven!” “Spotted in spots!” Brad Goreski: “Sometimes I’m Sandy from Grease and other times I’m Danny Zuko.” Ashton and Demi are spicing up their marriage with “late-night picnics in a park under the moonlight where they sip champagne and down oysters.”
Miscellaneous: Sofia Vergara “got frisky with the white stuff” (fake snow). Charlize Theron and Cameron Diaz had a face-off at their shared salon. Nicki Minaj is “spiraling out of control” with a “bizarre” appointment at her condo where “her eyes were dilated, her wig was falling off, her face was covered in red sores and she was perspiring heavily.” Jesse James is an ordained minister. Justin Timberlake is “finally ready to bite the bullet and become a one-woman guy” for Jessica Biel. Having already done one “TV wedding,” Jessica Simpson wants a small, low-key wedding but dad Joe demands a public affair. “Country Princess Ties Knot — Packing Heat!” about the wedding of Georgette Jones, daughter of George Jones and Tammy Wynette. She wore her grandfather’s antique pistol in her garter. “Whoopi is a merciless, cruel woman.” Kristen Stewart: “I’ll just say that Dakota [Fanning] was a great kisser and leave it at that.” A pan of Melancholia that says “you’ll be depressed if you pay to see this movie.”

1. “______ admitted he was wearing _____’s clothes and that she doesn’t mind.”
2. “______ is pregnant, but her husband, _____, is gaining all the weight!”
3. “______ flipped out, hauling off and slapping ______ in the face.”
4. “______, who plays my dad, sent flowers to all of the women on set with a card that said “thanks for last night’ He started with me. He’s hysterical” — ________
5. “______ still loves ______ deeply. She never got over that; she doesn’t think she ever will.”

Quiz

A. Jennifer Garner/Ben Affleck
B. Russell Brand/Katy Perry
C. Kim Kardashian/Reggie Bush
D. Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt
E. Burt Reynolds/LeAnn Rimes

Answer key: 1. B 2. A 3. D 4. E 5. C

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.


Previously from Molly Lambert:
Madonna Returns, With Handclaps
Kim Kardashian’s Subdued Halloween, Bieber’s Paternity Suit, and Other Tales From This Week’s Gossip Magazines
Justin Bieber’s Paternity Suit: Five Terrifying Implications
“Party” Video: Beyoncé’s Trailer Bash
The Kardashian Divorce Fiasco: Blame Mom

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Filed Under: Bieber, Celebrities, Johnny Depp, Justin Bieber, Magazines, Music, Star

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert